Coma physician, Dr. Jimmy, urged Coma citizens to “help identify scurvy symptoms” as the town faces one of the most severe scurvy outbreaks in nearly 3 years.
“The most important thing we can do in our fight against this silent killer is support our neighbors and report any and all scurvy symptoms,” Dr. Jimmy told a captivated audience during a special town meeting on Monday night.
“There are many symptoms of Scurvy that you might want to read about on Web MD but some of the most important symptoms to look out for are swollen, spongy and purplish gums that are prone to bleeding or neighbors with loose teeth or people walking around with bulging eyes,” Dr. Jimmy continued. “Also watch out for people who have very dry hair that breaks off close to the skin. These are people hang out close to the hair salon but do not go in.”
Dr. Jimmy urged citizens who see any of these general symptoms to contact authorities immediately.
Last month, two cases of the deadly disease were reported, although both were later re-diagnosed as symptoms from drug and alcohol abuse.
Last week, three more cases of the disease were reported by town officials at a weekly town council meeting. Those cases are also being investigated but the point of origin for all cases is the same- Bear’s Biker Bar.
This pirate does not have scurvy because he ate an orange.
According to Dr. Jimmy, one of the major challenges during an outbreak of any disease is confusion and false information. He reminded the crowd on Monday night that there is no medical proof that scurvy is contagious and urged people to take the following precautions:
1. Stay inside unless you absolutely have to leave your house.
2. Don’t exchange bodily fluids with strangers.
3. Don’t eat dairy products from strange animals such as goats or chickens.
4. If you get cold, consider wearing a coat or covering with a blanket
5. Drink plenty of water but not water from the ocean.
6. Avoid shaking hands, spitting on people or getting spit on by people, and any action that may result in severing a limb
7. If possible, consider eating some foods that are high in vitamin C.
This card was incorrectly handed out to Coma citizens on how to help them identify Fish Scurvy. The scurvy in Coma has been identified as ‘land scurvy’ which is not caused by inappropriate contact with a pirate.
“This shit seems to be escalating,” Coma used-car salesman, Jax Owen said. “I’ve stopped all contact with my lady friends until this gets resolved. Jax ain’t going out on scurvy.”
Town officials will hold a press conference at the end of the week to update citizens on the crisis and provide “solutions” for concerned community members.
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