By Coma News Staff
Coma resident Micah Horncraft delivered an impromptu and derisive tirade about the popular Valentine’s Day icon, Cupid, during his lunch break yesterday at the Coma Futurist Society.
Onlookers said the nearly five-minute long monologue was ignited after a discussion about the upcoming Valentine’s Day weekend began in the undersized break room.
“He got noticeably upset,” said one eyewitness who wished to remain anonymous. “His hands started shaking and he just went off about militarized infants and science. It was hard to follow at times.”
In a phone interview with Coma News Daily, Horncraft said he was sorry if his passionate dissertation made his co-workers uncomfortable but his feelings about Cupid have been building up for years.
“Raise your hand if you think it’s a good idea to give flying babies weapons,” Horncraft said during the phone interview. “Are you raising your hand? I can’t tell because I can’t see you through the phone so you’re going to have to tell me if you’re raising your hand. Be honest, please.”
Horncraft, who is married, said he doesn’t have a problem with Valentine’s Day as a special occasion, per se, but drew the line at the unrealistic depiction of cupid and what the small cherub-like character represents.
“So, a little baby that can’t even walk and who probably makes doo-doo in his pants is flying around determining who he will strike with his love arrow?” Horncraft asked. “Scientifically, there are so many holes in that narrative. First, does a small baby understand the concept of romantic love? Second, does he possess the fine motor skills to master the art of archery? There are some serious, serious issues here.”
Horncraft said that while he despises the Cupid character, he would be celebrating Valentine’s Day this weekend by taking his wife to an all-you-can-eat buffet and watching the “Alien vs. Predator” movies.
“I would just be much happier about Valentine’s Day if they had a more believable mascot like Christmas, Easter or President’s Day did,” Horncraft said. “I don’t think a newborn baby could generate enough energy with his bow draw to deliver an arrow that could pierce human flesh. That’s all I’m saying. Do the science.”
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