By Thomas Steven John
Coma News Daily Future Reporter
Two participants will suffer serious–although, not life-threatening–injuries in the town’s annual competition to place hats on local pets and wildlife.
Both injuries will entail damaged knees to local competitive hatters during the flightless bird segment of the annual Coma Hattin’ contest, during which contestants try to catch and “hat” a selected animal running free in a 30-feet-wide circular pen.
The coming injuries appeared to this reporter in a peyote-fueled fever dream.
Neither of the soon-to-injured competitors believed this reporter’s warnings of the imminent suffering.
“That’s the kind of anti-science zealotry that makes people distrust the media so much,” Natalie Peters said when told of her coming injury.
Peters will tear the MCL, LCL, and ACL in her right knee while chasing a clipped pigeon around the fenced Hattin ‘ ring. Instead of placing a tiny bowler hat on the bird’s head, Peters will be carted off the field in screaming pain.
The other soon-to-be injured hatter, Jax Owen, will suffer a sprained knee while trying slide tackle a chicken and place a small academic mortar board on it.
“What, did Bob put you up to this?” Owen said when a reporter told him about his looming injury. “No way that skinny S.O.B.’s gonna get me to drop out and forfeit the pot.”
Although Coma Hattin’ is a charity event steeped in the town’s pioneer history, illegal betting by spectators in bleachers surrounding the so-called thunderdome is rumored to total tens of thousands of dollars each year.
Betting among the illegal bookies in town will close abruptly after this article is published because it also reports that this year’s overall winner will be Mayor Dave Anderson.