By Ed Potter
There are dog people, old cat ladies and even folks who like fish as pets. But anyone who’s ever been fortunate enough to raise wild wolverines at home knows that the most honest and rewarding relationship is between a human and a wild, untamed and unpredictable small predator.
Raising wolverines is not like raising other pets. As someone who has lived with these insensitive and ferocious monsters for nearly two decades I can offer some tips and suggestions for first-time wolverine owners navigating their way through a potentially deadly–yet fulfilling–relationship.
No Wolverines in Your Bed
I made this mistake several times. It took losing half an ear a few years ago to realize that sleeping with wolverines is not a good idea. When the animal gets hungry, or playful, it is likely to gnaw on your ear and it unlikely to stop until it has consumed your ear (as was the case with me). While it might seem kind of cute the first time, after the second time you will regret your decision–especially if you wear eyeglasses.
Teeth Your Mouth Not Safe
I lost an incisor last spring after “Daffodil”, a three-year-old female wolverine, clawed and chewed it out of my jaw. Although this attack is relatively rare, the dog-like attraction of wolverines to bones should not be underestimated. The best way to prevent this is to never open your mouth around your pet wolverine. Ever.
Let Wolverine Urinate at All Times
It is not recommended that you attempt to house-train your wolverine. The animals evacuate their bowels everywhere and view efforts to clean it up as a direct challenge to their territory. Best advice is to simply steer clear of any place in your home where your wolverine has urinated.
Stay In Your Room After Dark
If someone were to ask me for just one piece of advice before leaping in to the world of wolverine pet ownership, I would probably plead with them to fear the dark. As soon as the sun sets, go into your bedroom, lock the door and don’t come out until daybreak. You’ll be tempted to open your door or check out that loud-pitch squealing or wonder where the faint sound of moaning is emanating from, but it’s best to leave it alone.
Full-body Chew Suit
Invest in a decent full-body chew suit. I know the ones they sell on devildog.com for $495 seem tempting because they are so cheap, but trust me, you’ll regret it the first time it’s breached and you lose a tendon. Decent chew suits from dumpygrays.com start just under $1,200. When you add up the medical bills you’re sure to incur with the cheaper suit, the choice is pretty obvious.
That’s all of my advice. Remember to love your wolverine but also be very, very, very cautious because that violent, impulsive demon will chew your face off right in front of your eyes.