Authorities Dissect Fight at Walton’s Chainsaw Emporium

Authorities said the men were fortunate the fight didn't start near the new "Sharpest Things In The World" display that featured such items as this Lunar Steel ax

Authorities said the men were fortunate the fight didn’t start near the new “Sharpest Things In The World” display that featured such items as this Lunar Steel ax


By Coma News Staff

Two men were arrested yesterday following a fight at Walton’s Chainsaw, Blade and Pillow Emporium.  According to police reports, the two unidentified men began arguing in the blades section but came to blows in the popular pillow section of the retail warehouse .

“I just can’t believe how goddamn lucky them boys are,” store owner, Calvin Walton, said.  “We got rows and rows of blades and knives and cutlery and swords and axes and hatchets and even some Chinese throwing stars and these two end up smacking each other with pillows.”

The source of the argument was not released by authorities but witnesses said they were arguing loudly in front of the new “Sharpest Things In The World” display.

“I was rummaging through a barrel of ice picks and heard some commotion,” Stan Bargemeyer, who witnessed the altercation, said.  “I saw these two young guys cussing up a storm near the scythe aisle and saying how they was gonna put a hurt on one another real bad.”

“It was Monday,” Walton said.  “Every Monday we got our ‘Live & Loud’ promotion going on where we just lay out a shitload of chainsaws, crank them up and leave them running on tables.  Had it come to fisticuffs any sooner, I reckon we would have had us an old fashioned chainsaw fight.  One of them boys would have lost an arm for sure.  Those bastards a just lucky.”

The dispute escalated into a physical confrontation in the pillow section.  Both men armed themselves with pillows and took to exchanging blows before being separated by store employees.  Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib  arrived soon after and arrested the men.

According to reports, one man suffered minor puffiness around the eye after being struck repeatedly with a Dream Supreme Plus gel fiber-filled pillow.  No other injuries were reported.

“It really is an amazing thing that nobody died from being suffocated by a pillow,”  Sherrif Paul T Frostnib said.


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