According to Coma News Daily employee and part-time Taco Bell enthusiast Chase Donovan, a hairy ape-like creature routinely visits the Taco Bell where he eats at least once or twice each month and has been doing so for the past six months.
Donovan, who eats at the popular fast-food restaurant chain every day and sometimes twice a day over the past year, said the creature typically comes late in the evening, right before closing and has a voracious appetite.
“The first couple times he came in, I didn’t realize he was a Bigfoot because he was wearing sunglasses so it was hard to tell,” Donovan said. “But then one time he came in and just smelled terrible. I never smelled something that bad in my life. That’s when I took a closer look and realized he was a big hairy ape-like creature. Plus, he’s like seven-feet tall or something, so that was a giveaway too.”
According to Donovan, the creature usually orders enough food to feed a family of four and is hard to understand when ordering his food, relying on a series of grunts and pointing to the menu board behind the cashier.
“He likes the Cheesy Gordita Crunch and the Beefy 5-Layer Burrito,” Donovan said. “He went completely ape-shit when we recently started selling the Loaded Potato Griller and the Beefy Nacho Griller. He’s going to freak out and probably lose it when that promotion ends. But it shouldn’t be a surprise to anybody because we tell people it’s only available for a limited time but people still get all butt-hurt when it goes away.”
Some of Taco Bell employees aren’t convinced the mysterious creature is, in fact, a Sasquatch. According to drive-thru attendant Matt McPherson, the “strange creature” is a local patron named Hank Cummings.
“Hank smokes a lot of weed and pretty much does nothing all day,” McPherson said. “He reeks and comes down here late at night when he’s been playing World of Warcraft all day and gets the munchies big time. That dude can eat some food! And he’s got a lot of hair. ”
For now, however, Donovan is sticking to his claims that the creature is in fact a Sasquatch. He plans on getting physical proof the next time he sees him while eating at the restaurant.