The following is blog by a Coma resident excerpted as a community service by Coma New Daily.
By Marybell Davis
Daddy Warbucks: Marybell my friend is looking for an office assistant at his law firm. How about you check it out? He said your ability to find out personal information using Google could really help his divorce practice.
Me: Daddy, I don’t need a job. I already have one. And it doesn’t pay.
Right now, this not-for-profit detective needs to figure out whether elections have consequences.
I recently read that but is it true? It’s definitely a mystery that needs to be solved.
I hate politics so instead of asking an old, fat person with a weird comb-over, I turned to a real expert on elections and their impacts: Ryan Seacrest.
Ryan understands democracy as started by the Greeks (who use too much onion and olive on everything). He understands that if you pay 99 cents each time you have to call in to vote and Coca-Cola and the Ford Fusion sponsor the election you can pick a clear winner.
But will that winner actually go on to do something?
The weird thing I’ve noticed is that it’s frequently the runner up who’s the real winner. Pay 99 cents for someone who wins and ends up working at the local county fair side stage or vote for the runner up who’s going to go places, like Elliot Yamin or Jennifer Hudson.
So I guess one consequence of an election is we get to find out who is going to win and go on to a great career as a barista. Hello, David Cook!
Another consequence is that someone is going to get my 99 cents per call–that can be more like 99 cents x 50 if I’ve had a wine cooler high ball. So who cares who got the free year supply of coke and a Ford Fusion because the clear winner is Ryan Seacrest. And unlike real elections, American Idol elections put a real painful hurt on my bank account.
Clearly, the mystery is no mystery at all — elections are all about money and bad decisions. The main consequence is that I need to learn to live with my bad choices.