Opinion: Dirty Ugly Punk Monkey

You Punch a Monkey in the face ONE TIME and you get labeled the guy who goes around punching monkeys in the face.

By Micah Horncraft, curator of the Town of Coma Futurist Society, Owner of a Tiny House

Apparently, everyone else in the world is perfect.  How nice it must be for all of you. Must be real nice to never make a mistake ever! Must be nice to not accidentally punch a monkey in the face and then have everybody call you, “The guy who goes around punching defenseless monkeys in the face.”

Yes, I did punch a monkey in the face.

Yes, it did cause his little monkey eyes to water.

Yes, I probably could have handled the situation much better.

And YES, I do regret punching Bo-Bo Bo-Bo, the chimpanzee, square in the face.

And now, everywhere I go, people look and point and I can hear them mumbling under their breath about how I’m that guy who engaged in fisticuffs with a primate.

So somehow, all my prior good deeds have been undone by one unfortunate afternoon at the Coma petting zoo.

Why not refer to me as, “That guy who routinely yields the right of way to other motorists even when he doesn’t have to?”

Or, “That guy who didn’t freak out when he discovered his two-for-one coupon at Da Foot Bucket had expired?”

But no, despite my many humanitarian efforts over the years, I’m now only referred to as the guy who had a minor incident with a simian.  It’s funny that this town managed to forget about the time I accidentally set those baby polar bears on fire but can’t stop obsessing about this monkey thing.

How about, “That guy who thought SERIOUSLY about donating to the local food bank when he saw the display outside the grocery store”?

That would be far more accurate because that happens all the time.

My advice to anyone out there thinking about punching a monkey in the face is this; don’t do it! It’s not worth all the looks and nicknames.

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