Why face judgement from one person when there’s a whole town of judgmental people available?
That is the question at the heart of Mayor Dave Anderson’s latest legislative initiative, which he proposed at the first Town Council meeting after a summer-long hiatus.
The proposal to replace Coma criminal court judges with a popular vote in each case was sparked by Anderson’s ire that the defendants in a recent brawl were found not guilty. Davis Barnhardt and Johnson Weathers were cleared of property damage charges last week following an August fight at Walton’s Chainsaw and Pillow Emporium.
“We as a society have evolved beyond the antiquated ideas of innocent until proven guilty and burden of proof,” Anderson said. “if ‘American Idol’ has taught us anything it’s that people have almost a limitless wisdom to divine, well, anything.”
The proposed legal system would require the accused to re-enact the alleged crime for a viewing audience, which would then vote on their guilt.
Several council members agreed.
“Our court system is hobbled by the crutch of evidence, when the more modern concepts of ‘coolness’ and ‘amazery’ are totally ignored,” said Councilmember Bob Smith-Smith, whose son, Jon, was convicted of selling drugs out of the basement of Smith-Smith’s home. Smith-Smith describes 35 year old Jon as a tiny dancer in his hand and hopes that an “Idol” type of appeal with acquit him of what 30 witnesses and a surveillance tape showed him doing.
But early opposition also emerged.
Jax Owen, local business owner and Town Council candidate for the Organizing for Hugs party urged a move, instead, to judicial “cage matches.”
“Whoever is best at kicking the crap outta everyone else should win–or not be guilty,” Owen said.
Local curmudgeon Robert McGuiness instead urged “let’s just throw out all liberties and start all over while drinking a pint and playing tiddlywinks.”
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