Conflict Gnaws at Town Council

by Jonny Reynolds,  News Reporter, Does Not Have Social Phobia

Contrary to popular myth, bringing a rat to a dinner party does not bring peace and tranquility.

The Coma Town Council discovered  that painful reality after its newest member was accused of uncivil rhetoric.

The legislative body planned a special organizational meeting Saturday after an apparent rift appeared between Councilmember Master Splinter–a rodent–and Councilwoman Natalie Peters, the human who initially  proposed an animal representative on the Council.

The kerfluffle stemmed from Councilmember Splinter’s newfound support for a controversial initiative to replace seating for the public and journalists with history-making legislative Cheerleaders. A change championed by Councilman Jax Owen who previously upposed the creation of the animal seat on the town council.

Councilmember Natalie Peters will only give up her tambourine for a Coach purse and only if someone is willing to carry that "oversized large expensive purse" for her.

Councilmember Natalie Peters will only give up her tambourine for a Coach purse and only if someone is willing to carry that “oversized-large-expensive-purse” for her.

“We thought Master Splinter was one of us,” Peters said as she pointed to herself. “But his agreement with Jax Owen, which I was told about at Bear’s Biker Bar, is the kind of hateful rhetoric we can do without.”

Said Owen, “I had no idea the rat could talk but the Govern Girlz and I are more than happy to welcome his support. ‘Less reports ing, more cheerleading’ is a slogan anyone can get behind–if you know what I mean.”

Science is serious and so is local government and nothing says, "this is serious" like a cheerleader can.

Science is serious and so is local government and nothing says, “this is serious” like a cheerleader can.

When Coma News Daily asked Bear, owner of Bear’s Biker Bar, about Master Splinter’s new position, he said the only rat he’s seen recently was the one he killed last week “out back.”

Stan Bargmeyer, senior citizen intern for Coma News Daily, said he overheard the rat saying “free stuff and entertainment are needed to keep these dirty humans in line.”

When asked where and when he heard the rat say this and how he knew a rat was talking, Stan, who has Alzheimer’s screamed “Talking rats! Talking rats!” And then he ran away from this reporter.

Coma Mayor Dave Anderson, who is again running for office this year because the town forgot to vote last year, said, “Did anyone hear him say he was running for mayor? We’ll definitely get to the bottom of this and figure out if he’s trying to run for mayor.”

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