Paper Ban to Blame in Post Office Closure

Special Feature by  Robert McGuiness, Former Coma News Reporter, Not an Alcoholic

Coma town officials announced yesterday that the Coma post office is closing its doors effective immediately.  Officials would not elaborate on the reasons for the sudden and dramatic decision that will leave many residents without a convenient way to send mail, packages or other items.  Several sources claim the move came after the post office has suffered dramatic drops in business since the recent ban on paper products took effect.

“People mail some weird stuff,” Coma Postmaster, Steve Simmons, said.  “Once we stopped using cardboard boxes and fancy envelopes, people stopped using the mail.

Simple decision tree explains the newest ban in Coma.

Simple decision tree explains the bans in Coma.

Initially, postal workers attempted to utilize creative measures to find alternatives to using standard paper-based shipping containers, including hemp, knitted envelopes and duct tape, but found such efforts time consuming and expensive.

“It’s messed up,” said Coma resident Stan Bargmeyer, a member of a monthly spaghetti-exchange-by-mail club.  “What am I going to do now?  How am I going to get my spaghetti?  You can’t mail spaghetti all by itself.  It gets very, very messy.”

Bargmeyer isn’t alone.  One unidentified resident said they stopped using the post office altogether following the ban on paper because much of what they mail was described as “personal.”

Coma Mayor Dave Anderson said, “while the closure is unfortunate, it will force citizens to be resourceful and look for new means by which to communicate with each other.”

“We’re already looking into other technologies like electronic mail,” said Anderson.  “My hope is that by the end of next year, our post office will be re-opened and focused entirely on delivering mail electronically.”

Citizens who wish to mail one last time have until 6 p.m. this Friday to do so.

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