Coma Spring to Comfort No One

By Thomas Steven John, Future Reporter

Wide-spread disappointment will dominate among participants in this weekend’s competitive mattress exchange.

“Coma Spring,” the annual mattress-based competition where participants bring a matress and the winners get to go home with the bed of their choice will be held this coming Saturday. Participants’ post-race views came to this reporter in a peyote-fueled fever dream.

“That doesn’t surprise me,” Marlee Baumgartner, said about her impending disappointment with the used California King mattress she will win. “Still, if you don’t play, you can’t win.”


The race was started six years ago during the depths of the recession by Coma resident Sadie Cracker as a way to find affordable replacement beds. Winners have the highest combined score from five races, including the 50-yard mattess carry and three-legged race across a field of mattresses.

“If years of sleepless nights from blown springs and draw-dropping sticker shock from new mattress prices aren’t enough to motivate racers, then nothing can,” Cracker said about the race.

Marybell Davis will be one of many racers to drop out of the race after faceplanting on several mysterious stains.

“I have never been so uncomfortable and comfortable at the same time,” Davis will tell a friend after the race.
She will go home with a consolation mattress from the Coma Hyatt.

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