Coma Rated Least, Most Healthy

By Coma News Daily Staff

It may be an ugly win for Coma our town will take it.

Coma was named both the healthiest and least healthy town in the state this week in separate rankings.

First, the bad news. The state used a range of federal health statistics, market research data and consumer trends to conclude Coma is easily the fattest, laziest, and most good-for-nothing jurisdiction in the state.

“I knew it,” said Councilwoman Natalie Peters. “Winterfest this year was a funnel cake-fueled nightmare of exploding zits and waistlines. I’m just glad science noticed.”

However, a separate state study also named Coma the healthiest jurisdiction based on such things as per capita spandex shorts sales, numbers of biking injuries per square mile, and sports-related rear window decal sales.

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Here’s a sample of the confounding findings:
– Percent of residents who cannot see feet: 20.4%
– Percent of residents who subsist on Hot Pockets: 25.8%
–  Percent of restaurant customers wearing padded cycling shorts: 39.8%
– 2013 pilates rate: 12.9%

One local health expert urged caution in interpreting the results.

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“Low body and image confidence-from these kinds of surveys have led entire towns to greater risk-taking with drugs and alcohol,” said Dr Jimmy, Coma physician. “Plus, we really don’t need to feed the egos of the nut jobs on the other end of the health spectrum, either.”

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