Coma Aquatics Awards Three Hereos

By Coma News Staff
Three “aquatic angels” were honored Monday as the Coma Regional Aquatic Pool swore in the newest class of lifeguards to stand watch during the upcoming indoor swim season.
“We’re taking the lessons learned from the sacrafices of these guards and applying them to the new winter season,” said Paul T. Frostnib, Coma Sheriff and part-time director of the pool. “I always tell my people, ‘Job number one is to make it home alive.'”
The three lifeguards, including one who is currently fighting an illness at the Coma Regional Medical Center, were recognized for placing others’ sanitation and safety ahead of their own. Sharon Sarandon caught dengue fever after her full body protective bio-suit was compromised during a leap into the pool to check on a kid trying to beat a personal record for the dead man’s float.

“It’s hard to see below the surface at that end of pool with all of the band aids and other refuse that collect there so we may never know what pierced her suit,” said Chase Donovan, who’s entering his third year as a guard.
Frostnib’s priority this season is cracking down on “Feces of Unknown Origin.”
“The FUO sights definitely proliferated toward the end of last season,” Frostnib said. “Cutting off the hot water in the showers will hopefully keep people from getting too comfortable in there, if you now what I mean.”
Much more concerning to Donovan than any water-born dangers are his infrequent trips to check on problems in the sauna.
“Your faceplate is instantly obscured by projectiles from all of the hacking going on in there so it’s real easy to get disoriented and lost,” Donovan said.
Some residents have raised concerns about the pool at the start of latest swim season.
“I don’t think they realize what cutting back Saturday swim hours in the winter means to families stuck at home with small boys,” said Sadie Cracker, a Coma mother of two. “It’s like being trapped in a cave with feral bulldogs.”
Check the town of Coma website for pool hours and to read a copy of their legal disclaimer.

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