Category: Opinion

Editorial: A New Dawn for Coma News

davis montgomery

Editorial — Davis Montgomery, publisher of Coma News and avid horse enthusiast speaks to the future of Coma News and the Coma News Network. This editorial was brought to you by “Jax Used Cars”. It’s mule season. Bring in your mule carcass for $50 off your next car purchase.

People constantly want know what makes Davis Montgomery tick. That’s when I tell them about my classical education, love of literature and role as publisher and owner of Coma News ( a subsidiary of the Coma News Network).

In an age of rapid globalization, compressing margins and ever-evolving standards, the biggest challenge in the news industry is our inability to make money. As I told Barry, my lead thoroughbred trainer, ‘I’ve won in every industry but cannot for the life of me derive a profit from the newspaper or online ezine.’

It was in pursuit of such an improvement that I invited the Coma News staff to take the weekend off and come to my 987-acre estate in Coma’s horse country to shape the future of this town’s cutting edge source for information.

Instead of our staff writers, editors and columnists attending some indolent boozefest–as some of them had no doubt assumed–I undertook to sharpen them into a precision reporting team.

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Above:Davis Montgomery cares about news and this picture was brought to you by Coors Light Liquid Nitrogen. “It’s Super Fucking Cold.” 

Endurance swims across a pond of fresh printer’s ink gave way to spirited footchases of our news staff by mounted re-enactors of the Pony Express.

Stone chiseling, papyrus reed picking and smoke signal competitions (with but a badge of honor as the prize) occupied much of the afternoon.

The result? Well, I should hope the result will be obvious to our readers and truly beloved advertisers. The recent additions to our editorial staff will be accompanied by grand and glorious expansions in advertising, classifieds, advertorials and sponsorship for twitter posts.

So we welcome you to next and most lucrative chapter in the history of Coma News Network that is less about content and more about the bottom line and hope that you enjoy it as much as we will.

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Davis Montgomery is publisher of Coma News

This Editorial was brought to you by Jax used cars.

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Opinion: Breakfast Not Most Important Meal of Day

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By Coma Town Physician, Dr. Jimmy

When it comes to your diet, there’s a lot of information out there on what you should or shouldn’t eat and when to eat it.

Part of my job as a physician is to help people cut through all the clutter.  I recently completed a self-funded study on the popular notion regarding breakfast being the most important meal of the day and want to take some time to share with you my findings.

BREAKFAST IS NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY

As it turns out, breakfast is not the most important meal of the day.  In fact, it may not even be in the top five most important meals of the day.  That being said, based on my research, I can say with certainty that breakfast IS in the top ten of most important meals of the day.

METHODOLOGY & RESULTS

My research was conducted over the course of two weeks in February of this year.  I interviewed nearly seven patients and asked them to rank for me their favorite meals.  Additionally, I thought about what meal I thought was not only my favorite, but which one I would least likely not want to miss.  The results were quite shocking.

TOP TEN MEALS OF THE DAY

Based on my research, the most important meals of the day, in order of importance, are as follows:

1. Dinner

2. Snack between breakfast and lunch

3. Lunch

4. Brunch

5. Dessert

6. Second snack between breakfast and lunch

7. Midnight snack

8. Snack as you are preparing dinner (perhaps sampling the meal you are cooking)

9. Breakfast

10. Samples served at grocery stores or Costco

While these results may surprise some, there is no denying the conclusion or the scientific method that was employed to make this discovery.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR YOU?

Breakfast is definitely a top ten meal and you should continue to eat it when you feel like it.  But you should no longer feel as though you are a prisoner to an age-old axiom that has clearly been demonstrated as false.

Happy eating and good health to you always.  As I say to all my patients, “You can live forever if you choose.”

 

 

OP-ED: Popping Wheelies and Not Even Caring

 

chase popping wheelies

Chase Donovan

Unlike most people, I’m not afraid to pop a wheelie on my bicycle. I don’t even care if people think it’s really dangerous or whatever. I’m just going to pop wheelies whenever I feel like it and don’t care about the consequences.

I like to get a lot of air on my wheelies. One time, my front tire must have been almost ten feet off the ground but I didn’t panic about it. I just shifted my weight a little bit and rode it out. People were standing around looking at me like I was the craziest dude they’d ever seen.

Sometimes I pop a wheelie real suddenly just to surprise people. I might be riding my bike through town and people might be looking at me like, “Oh, that guy is just riding his bicycle like a normal person.” And then suddenly, I’ll pop a wheelie out of nowhere and then they’ll be like “Oh man!  That guy is crazy cause he just popped a wheelie on his bike.” To me it’s no big deal but to old people it probably freaks them out.

Last week I popped a wheelie and then let go of the handle bars and had no way to steer the bike. No biggie. I just kept peddling through it without any hands and I know for a fact that a couple people were shaking their heads in disbelief and probably thought it was the most insane thing they’d ever seen. I know Micah Horncraft saw it and was totally freaking out about it but I don’t even care.

One thing about me you’re going to learn is that I will pop wheelies on my bike all the time. Get used to it and don’t freak out.

Chase Donovan is an intern for Coma News.

Dr. Jimmy’s Advice: How to Know When Someone is Stalking You

 

By Dr. Jimmy, Coma Physician and Weekend Raver

Many patients come in to my medical practice in Coma and ask the question: “Dr. Jimmy, what are the signs someone is stalking me and what is the difference between a stalker and my ex?”

This a great question from my professional point of view. The question has medical implications depending on what the stalker might throw at you when they are upset such as a laptop computer, a baseball or a small child.

The Journal of Psychotics and Psychotropic Drugs suggests that there are three main signs someone is a stalker:

1. Someone is lurking around your workplace or your neighborhood.

2. Someone is constantly watching you.

3. Someone repeatedly calls you.

While I agree with these signs, I find them to be too technical for the average person who is not a medical professional, to determine the difference between someone you know who was once normal and someone who is a stalker.

I like using the technical-medical term “stalker” rather than crazy because “crazy” is easier to treat with medication.

In this age of the internet-anonymous-insane people how do you differentiate between people who might innocently follow you around on a daily basis such as an artist, an actor, a mime, a woman having “that time of the month”, an ex you broke up with — this is not a reference to my ex-wife. Dee, this is not about you don’t start texting me. Go back to your screenplay writing, Dee.– or if you have a stalker.

Here are a few questions to help you differentiate between a stalker and an ex:

– Do you know the person who leaves you millions of voice-mails, sends you thousands of texts or sits in a dark car outside your house at all hours of the night? If the answer is yes, the next question is: have you slept with this person? If you answer yes to all of these questions this person is not a stalker. This person is your ex.

– When you walk down a dark alley next to McDougal’s Irish Pub in Coma and someone follows you- is it the same person who followed you into the pub, who played songs on the jukebox that reminded them of times gone by or your wedding where her brother played air guitar to a Poison song and wished you well? Was the song on the jukebox “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” ? Do you know this person? Have you slept with this person? If you answer yes to all of the above questions you do not have a stalker. You have an ex.

– Did this person threaten to boil your rabbit? Does she dress like your current girlfriend and come out of nowhere in the darkness to meet you in front of your house wearing nothing but a trench coat and a smile? Did you sleep with this person? If you answered yes to these questions you do not have a stalker. You have an ex who wants to be a screenwriter.

I hope you find this Q & A as helpful as my patients do.

There’s no need to call the police on your ex. No need at all.

Dee, this article is not about you. Please stop texting me and finish your latest “screenplay”.

 

 

This Kitty Needs To Be Put To Sleep

Coma Community Players’ Latest Production is a Cat-tastrophe

by Michael Mason McMiller


Before you plunk down your hard-earned $15 on the Coma Community Player’s latest disaster, an anemic and misguided adaptation of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Cats, you might want to take a few precautions. First, claw your eyes out so to won’t have to see the tortured sets, sloppy costumes and ugly, ugly actor’s stupid faces. Don’t forget to stick long needles down into your ears far enough to perforate your eardrums so you won’t have to hear any of the stilted, insipid dialogue or off-key warbling that passes for singing in this production. You might also want to drink a big bottle of poison and drown your children so the miserable stink of this total abortion cannot haunt your dreams or those of your loved ones.

In case it isn’t clear, I did not like this play. I do not like the director. I have nothing but disdain for the cast. Every single member of the Coma Community Players should be dragged into the street and shot in the back of the head. Cecily Applebaum’s Skimbleshanks is as garish and ridiculous as those hideous quilts she sells online. Tommy Lincomb seems even more lost here as Rum Tum Tugger than he does feebly trying to deliver my morning paper. Let’s be frank. 27 is too old to be a paperboy. Can’t they make him a paperman or something? It’s unsettling.

At this point, I must disclose that between March of 2008 and December of 2013, I was the director-in-residence at the Coma Community Players Gang-Up Improv and Comedy Sportz Arena. If you saw a play, ballet, opera, skit, sketch, puppet show or a traditional Japanese kabuki dance-drama in the last six years, what you saw on stage was me, baring my soul.

 

The stage is my life. Or at least it was until last winter when I was struck by a drunk driver. I was in the hospital for six weeks with a shattered pelvis. They put sixteen pins into my hip and replaced part of my tailbone with a titanium rod. Four painful surgeries later, I still have not recovered full mobility. Doctors say I may never be able to do high kicks again.

The Coma Community Players decided to replace me as director against my wishes. In their infinite wisdom, they chose as my successor the drunken derelict whose wanton recklessness cost me my livelihood and the use of my pelvis.

This maniac, this Shane Darvish, has committed quite the rare feat, a unique achievement on the American stage. He has taken a classic work of whimsy and enchantment and turned it into a piece of stagecraft that is literally less interesting to watch for two and a half hours than a bowl of human shit. Yes, this play lacks the nuance of a shit bowl. If one had to, for whatever reason, sit in a room and stare at a bowl of shit for two and a half hours, one may find oneself marginally interested, if for a mere moment, at the shapes, contours or colors of the shit. One may, in fact, muse momentarily on how a shit of these precise dimensions may have come to rest in such a bowl. Questions may dance through one’s head, however ephemeral. Whose shit is this? What had they been eating? Are those bits of carrots I see? Darvish’s Cats fails to inspire even a fraction of this level of engagement from its audience.

If you happen to find yourself at the theatre, and you suspect that they may be about to begin a performance of Shane Darvish’ Cats at the George K. Sieghard Memorial Theatre and Yoga Studio, run, do not walk to the nearest exit. Leave behind any valuables you may have brought with you into the theatre. They will only slow you down. If you inadvertently witness even a moment of this performance, if you hear even a single note of the overture, if you happen to hear one of the actors backstage clearing their throat, you must immediately set fire to your own head and fling yourself from the highest structure you can gain access to. This should help ease the anguish of experiencing this show as an audience member.

 

Cats is playing Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays at 8 PM at the George K. Sieghard Memorial Theatre and Yoga Studio. 632 S Pine Blvd. Street parking available after 7 PM.

Dr. Jimmy’s Advice for New Parents– How to Leave the House Wearing Pants

Dr. Jimmy’s Advice for New Parents– How to Leave the House Wearing Pants

By Doctor Jimmy

At my Clinic in The Town of Coma I am constantly asked by parents with small babies-  “because it takes so long to get a baby out of the house, Dr. Jimmy,  how can I make sure I am wearing pants?”

Here is a short check list I give them:

1)      Put the screaming baby down, preferably in a seat that it is strapped into as babies tend to run.

2)      Check yourself: are you wearing pants?

3)     – If you aren’t wearing pants go find a pair of pants. Put the pants on. Is the baby screaming? Don’t listen. You cannot walk out of the house without pants on.

4)    –  If you are wearing pants check your shirt or have now put pants on: Check your shirt. Is your shirt clean? Does it smell like baby vomit? If your shirt smells like baby vomit but you can’t smell it don’t worry about changing and leave the house immediately. Do not take time to think about it or you may never leave the house.

The most important thing for new parents is to make sure once you’ve found your pants and determined that your vomit stained shirt is not noticeable—make sure you bring the baby with you. Do not leave the house without the baby.

How to Be The BEST Blogger on the Internet in Your 20’s – Using Dead People Quotes

How to Be The Best Blogger on the Internet in Your 20s Using Quotes By DEAD People

By Marybell Davis

25 years old, Amazing Life Lived, Awesome Blogger of Awesome things.

I recently broke up with, got back together with, broke up with and got back together with my boyfriend. He’s mine because we are like meant to be together but he doesn’t realize it and keeps getting back with other girls he’s dated that aren’t me. My sister says he has a harem.

Only people in poor countries and Utah have harems lol lol.

But what does a girl do when she doesn’t know what to say or write to make herself feel better about trying to win a guy who obviously doesn’t love her? When I don’t know what to say I say this: WWDWS? What Would Dead Writers Say?

That’s right. LOL.

They were really smart back when they had to use a pencil to write or a feather with ink LOL LOL. And they had a lot to say about life and love and not making mistakes like dating the same guy who doesn’t really love you LOL LOL. Mainly I don’t listen to that advice but I want to let you know who some of those really awesome writers are so that you can use your google and screenshot their quotes. This way you won’t have to think at all next time you are searching and searching obsessively the Linkedin account of some chick the guy who doesn’t understand he loves you is talking to. The best thing to do is post quotes to make yourself feel better because you find out she’s pretty cool and has done a lot of things because she isn’t stuck in a small town like Coma obsessing over the one unavailable-available guy there. FML.

Here are the writers that make me feel better about myself.

William Shakespeare...he doesn't have an ipod lol lol... who uses ipods anymore??

William Shakespeare…he doesn’t have an ipod lol lol… who uses ipods anymore??

This guy, Shakespeare, he said “If music be the food of love, play on”. What he meant is that when a guy falls in love with a girl who is not you then you listen to Katy Perry. There’s nothing like a dark horse…LOL LOL. He can’t say no to a dark horse. It’s like dark chocolate. LOL LOL

Flannery O'Connor...LOL..she wears glasses and wrote stuff...LOL...

Flannery O’Connor…LOL..she wears glasses and wrote stuff…LOL…

 

This is Flannery. I like calling her Flannery like we know each other. I like using her quotes because she wrote about men. She wrote this awesomest story about “A good man is hard to find”. Boy is it ever. Especially when he flirts with you and like twelve other girls who aren’t you. That’s okay. Once you find a semi-good man like I did you just hold on to him and never ever let him go even if he doesn’t love you. Flannery said, “I love a lot of people but understand none of them.” So true LOL.

Kanye...enough said...he can teach all these dead people about love...LOL

Kanye…enough said…he can teach all these dead people about love…LOL

Kanye is one of my favorite quote writers. He’s not DEAD…LOL LOL. But he has soooooooo much to tell us about writing and really about love. One time when he was poor he bought himself some Gucci slippers with two weeks salary. I KNOW how that is…one time when I was poor I had all these mentors who wore Chanel and they taught me so much about color coordination and purchasing name brands. LOL LOL…that’s life really.

Just remember when you write- to be the best blogger you must use other peoples quotes and make them yours. This is how you seem smarter when you spend three months salary on a Chanel suit. LOL LOL.Because it doesn’t matter who you are inside it matters what you wear and how well you quote things people already said. Just sayin.

 

How to Break Up, Get Back With, Break Up and Get Back With Your Ex Using Facebook

By Marybell Davis 25 years old, amazing life lived, awesome blogger of awesome things

It happened again!! LOL!! The same guy you’ve been dating and not dating and dating has broken up with you again.

It shocks me every time I hear this happen to someone else (this never happens to me I am popular LOL).

My sister Anna is married (we all should be!!! we are amazing!!!!) and has kids (how you tie the man down and to child support if you can’t tie him down!!!!!!!!) told me that if a guy leaves you and then gets back with you and then breaks up with you and then comes back and then breaks up with you again he’s probably not the right guy because he doesn’t love you!! LOL!!

Not true. He just doesn’t UNDERSTAND you are the right girl for him even though it’s not working and he doesn’t understand what love is. Love is when you win.

It’s your job to force LOVE and make him understand!

This doesn’t happen to me, mind you, but this has happened to other people I know and that’s why I am blogging to you about it. FML!!!!

lovAn actual rubber band is pictured above. No fingers were injured while taking this photo.

The best way to make him understand that he loves you and he doesn’t realize he loves you, besides stalking him, is to put everything out on Facebook. Here are some tips-

1) Post your pain. Whether it’s a saying written by someone else because you don’t have time to come up with your own sayings or if it’s to post a picture of the bag he made you wear when he was having sex with you. Whatever it takes post your pain without saying it’s your pain but infer it by posting it along with pictures of him. Don’t be honest ever because this isn’t about being honest or having a good relationship. This is about winning!!!

2) Pretend you like everything he is into. Whatever you do DO NOT find your own life. This is key. The way you make a guy love you is by being everything he wants you to be– into football, any sports he likes, the bands he likes, into threesomes. That’s right. Pretend. Once they marry you you can spend the rest of your life letting them know you aren’t the person they thought you were.

3) Only move on to make him jealous. You are in this to win (win=love) someone who doesn’t really want you in the first place. Go all in. Everything you do. Everything you post is about you trying to make him like you. It doesn’t matter if he’s actually the one for you. All you want to do is win someone who doesn’t love you in the first place. Make sure you are always there for him as his doormat, though. No matter how many times he uses you and moves on and calls it being indecisive. You be there waiting because this is how you win!!!

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4) Do not unfriend him on facebook. The difficulty becomes what to do if he doesn’t have a facebook? If he doesn’t have a facebook you keep his family as friends so that they can see how amazing your life is and how perfect you are for him when you pretend to like what he likes!!

Make sure you give this your all to win back a guy who will probably break up with you again.

Remember– dating isn’t about what is right and working it is about winning and getting the guy that everyone likes to choose you so he can break up with you. Why spend time trying to find someone who works well with you when you can spend countless hours forcing something that will never work? There are so many men in this world but you only want this one so you can beat all the other girls.

Tune in next week for “people talk” where I tell you verbatim about how amazing people are because they were in my life and wear the right kind of clothes.

For now, Mr. Green Jeans my baby cat, stained the carpet again. FML!!!!

Here’s the best quote I didn’t write but will cut and paste today: “Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” — Richard Jeni