Category: News

National Football League Uses Coma as a Test Ground to Solve Team Name Issues

Football jersey

According to league sources, the Washington Redskins are considering new nicknames such as the “Precocious Kittens”. Team officials have gone so far as to have artwork created as part of the review process (above)

National Football League Uses Coma as a Test Ground to Solve Racial Name Issues

Can ten Coma residents solve racism? The National Football League sure hopes so.

America’s premier outdoor football league has gathered a “focus group” of ten randomly selected Coma residents to help it rename some of the teams that have sparked concerns of racial or other types of hate.
Likely high on the list of offensive names is the Seattle Seahawks, which has raised the ire of some Washington state tribes. The predatory birds were widely used as an airborne weapon in numerous intertribal wars. Untold thousands of noble Native Americans were blinded in assaults by the sharp-taloned “Jack the Rippers of the sky.”

“These birds of a feather should flock somewhere else,” said Marley Baumgartner, Coma civil rights activist and noted shut in.

Other team names likely to face the Coma residents’ ire include the New York Giants. The Association of Little Peoples (ALPs) have repeatedly called for scrapping the team name. The ALPs are particularly offended by the reminder of a New York Indian tribe’s tradition of dressing little people like bear cubs and catapulting them into the mountain caves to lure out bears.

The team that has drawn the greatest upset by far is the San Francisco Forty-niners. The team’s owners have long insisted that it was named to honor early miners but animal rights activists beg to differ.
“That’s the number of squirrels used to make the state’s first flag,” said Baumgartner, who loves animals.
So what names could clean the discerning palate of football fans?
Some area residents have their favorites.

“Maybe instead of naming these teams after lightening or goddamn birds they should recognize the fighting spirit of one of our many minority groups,” said Mayor Dave Anderson.

Redskins team owner, Dan Snyder, has been asked to take part in the group however he declined. Jonathan Alder, spokesman for the Redskins, said “We are looking toward changing our name to be more appropriate.” Sources close to the matter have suggested after the abysmal Redskin season the name change options on the table are “the Precocious Kittens” or “Dan’s Knitting Circle”.

Football jersey

Sources confirmed the Redskins would consider knit-style jerseys if they adopted the nickname “Dan’s Knitting Circle”, which is one of the new names under consideration by the organization

Mayor Anderson Announces Mitt Romney Comedy Show

Romney Announces Plans To Pursue Stand-Up Comedy

The Mitt Romedy Funny Festival May Be Coming To A City Near You Soon

Following his failed bid to win the presidency, Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney announced today he would continue to pursue his other life-long goal of becoming a successful stand-up comedian.  According to Romney staffers, the republican presidential nominee managed to fit in a handful of shows at open-mic nights at several comedy clubs around the country during his rigorous campaign.

“He’s got about ten solid minutes of material right now, a little more if you count some of the prop comedy he’s been experimenting with,” says one staffer who wished to remain anonymous.

Romney also announced plans for a ten-city comedy tour tentatively titled “The Mitt Romedy Funny Festival”.  That tour is slated to kick-off in Boston next week at “Big Keith’s Comedy Club.”

“Stand-up comedy is in my blood,” said Romney.  “I’m excited about this next chapter in my life.  Get it?  Next chapter!  And that was right off the top of my head.  I can make up shit like that all day.”

mitt romedy

Allen Larkin, an assistant manager at “Laughie’s” comedy club in Fort Lauderdale witnessed one of Romney’s impromptu shows last month while the former governor was on his campaign tour.

“He was nervous at first,” Larkin said of Romney’s show.  “He started to relax a bit as it went on, especially when he pulled out some of his props, particularly his large novelty sunglasses.”

One anonymous staffer provided a brief description of the show, including notes taken directly from Romney’s “joke folder”;

–          “So, my yacht breaks down in the middle of the Caribbean a few years ago and I’m like, “What the fuck am I going to do now?  Then I’m like “duh, Mitt, you have a goddam helicopter on the back of the boat!”  I tell you, sometimes I can forget shit.”

–          “Sometimes life if just fucking crazy.  One of my butlers is this dude named Cheevo.  Nice guy but I swear to God his breath smells like shit.  Like he ate food from a can or some shit.”

–        “Do you ever think about words that are just weird to say out loud?  Like, “biscuit”.  Seriously, say it out loud.  It doesn’t even make sense.  I mean, what does it mean?  It fucking blows my mind that there are words out there like that.”

mitt romedy 3

–        “What’s the deal with poor people?  I’m talking about REALLY poor people.  Like, so poor they have a time-share private plane! Really?  Have some fucking pride people.”

–          The staffer also mentioned Romney did a bit with a large, oversized pair of novelty sunglasses that went as follows:

  • Romney puts on sunglasses and then says “It’s still me, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney.  I just put on a pair of giant sunglasses.” Romney then takes off the glasses and studies them for what seemed like several minutes, completely silent the entire time.  Romney then added; “Aren’t these the funniest things ever?  I mean your head would have to be at least three or four times larger than it is now for these to fit properly.  Can you imagine what that would look like?  That kind of shit blows my mind.”

Tickets for The Mitt Romedy Funny Festival go on sale tomorrow.

Visit for more details.

Concerned Citizens of Coma Get On The Internet to Ban Selfies

The Group, Concerned Citizens of Coma decided today to start an online petition to ban selfies.

The Urban Dictionary, an online dictionary, describes selfies as:

An act usally carried out by girls aged 12-21, the act involves taking photos of ones self while posing.
Example 1: Yo man, I seen you put selfies up on facebook.
Example 2: Hey man, I was doing some facebook stalking today, found the hottest girl, check out her selfies.
Maralee Bumgartener, a shut in, activist and concerned citizen of coma has started this petition on the new Town Of Coma website and hopes to garner enough support to have the act of “selfies” banned by next month. “Selfies are a deceptive way that people post unfortunate and often inaccurate portrayals of themselves online” says Bumgartener during a phone interview. “We cannot quantify what the selfie photo is doing to a child’s self esteem.” When asked if she’d ever posted a selfie, Bumgartener replied yes and that the selfie “went viral” and she couldn’t get away from the stigma.“The internet definition of viral is similar to the clinical definition where in a sense a brain is infected by a popular but mindless clip some examples of this are kittens, puppies jumping off of anything and Geraldo Rivera in front of his bathroom mirror” said Dr. Jimmy, main clinician in Coma. “It’s not so much a disease but may require medication to keep people from watching over and over again.”The hope is the ban on selfies will keep Coma away from some of the travails of the internet. Mayor Dave is on the fence about legislating freedom of speech, “I like selfies.” Said the Mayor.

Examples of Selfies shown below:
girls_for_splitsketch 6

Man Mistakes Watermelon for Cat


Coma resident C.J. Hughes mistakenly took a watermelon for a cat

Coma resident C.J. Hughes admitted today he accidentally mistook a ripe, plump watermelon for a cat for nearly three weeks.

“Yep, I did,” Hughes said.  “I was feeding it and changing the litter box and all kinds of shit and it turns out it wasn’t even a cat.”

According to friends, Hughes started talking about finding a stray cat several weeks ago.  He told them he took it in and decided to keep it as a pet.

“I stopped by to see him and when I walked in I saw him laying on his couch with a watermelon on his chest and he was just stroking it real soft,” Hughes’ friend, Rocky Thompson said.  “I didn’t say anything at first, because sometimes C.J. likes to touch fruits and gourds and even vegetables.  But this was a little different.”

Hughes said it wasn’t until the melon began to rot and stink up his house that he realized something was amiss.

“It stopped smelling like a cat and started smelling like rotting fruit,” Hughes said.  “That’s when I took a closer look and really thought about what I was looking at.  I was like ‘hey, that ain’t a cat or even a kitten.'”

Hughes admitted this wasn’t the first time he’s made such a mistake, citing a four-month stretch in 1998 when he attempted to breed his Doberman Pincer with a pineapple.  Hughes said this recent incident was more embarrassing because he is pretty certain he bought the watermelon at the grocery store himself.

“I’m pretty sure I bought it at the store, brought it home, put it in my refrigerator and then forgot about it,” Hughes said.  “A few days later I opened my fridge and saw what I thought was a cat sitting there next to my cottage cheese.”

Hughes said despite the fact the watermelon wasn’t a cat, he decided to bury the remains of the rotting melon in his backyard.


Election Re-Scheduled For December


The town of Coma announced today that the mayoral election has been re-scheduled for Tuesday, December 3.  The announcements come on the heels of a recent gaffe in which the entire town forgot to vote.

“We take voting and elections very seriously in Coma,” Mayor and former standup comedian Dave Anderson said.  “I had about five good minutes of material I was going to riff on at this point, but it’s probably too soon.  But just know there will be a time in the very near future when I’m going to break out my Coma election jokes.  They are going to be hilarious and a little wacky.”

Town officials are hopeful the second time is a charm and have even went as far as to pass an ordinance to distribute small American flag stickers to people who vote as additional incentive to participate in the process.

“Considering we have a ban on paper products, we might have to go with buttons instead of stickers,” Anderson said.

Based on the most recent polls, Anderson trailed his rival, paving magnate Russel Stonewall, by as much as 12 points.  Anderson said he will take advantage of the extra time and has not lost hope on his bid for re-election.

“I feel like I’ve been given a second chance,” the mayor said.  “I’m not going to waste it.  I might even take a few minutes and vote myself.”

Woman Dies, the Comes Back to Life, then Dies Again

A recent photo of Maplethorpe who died, came back to life and then died again

A recent photo of Maplethorpe who died, came back to life and then died again

Coma resident Cheryl Maplethorpe died suddenly on Tuesday, then came back to life, then suddenly died again.  The 35-year-old receptionist was at work when co-workers said she collapsed near a copy machine.  Maplethorpe was rushed to Coma General Hospital where she was pronounced dead.  Moments later, as she was being wheeled into the emergency room, Maplethorpe came back to life.

“She just kind of woke up and looked around and asked if she could have some 7-Up,” EMT, Peter Buchanan, said.  “We didn’t have any 7-Up.  There was some Sprite in one of the vending machines but when I asked if she wanted a Sprite, she stuck out her tongue, made devil-horns with her fingers and then suddenly died again.”

Paramedics and hospital staff attempted to revive Maplethorpe but were unsuccessful.

“I don’t like to be played,” Coma physician, Dr. Jimmy, said.  “You’re either alive or you’re dead.  Don’t make me guess.”

Maplethorpe leaves behind her father, Darryl Maplethorpe and an impressive collection of half-empty cereal boxes.  Friends said Maplethorpe enjoyed sitting, 7-Up and German romance novels.

Woman Mispronounces “Character” in front of Boss

Coma resident Janice Wainwright mispronounced the word ‘character’ recently in front of her boss.  Wainwright, who works at Speedy Tax, said she was told about the error by co-worker, Benji McKnight.

“I was mortified,” Wainwright said.  “But to be honest, I had never heard the word pronounced out loud and I thought the C-H letters made the sound like they do in ‘cheese’ or ‘chop’.”

Wainwright said her boss, Denny Neighy, didn’t seem startled or disappointed by her error and didn’t appear to treat her different afterwards.

“I think I’m going to be okay,” she said.  “How the hell are we supposed to know how all these words are pronounced anyway?  Someone needs to invent a talking dictionary.”

Undercover Cop who “Just Didn’t Get It”, is Re-Assigned

Ambrose is third from the left. The one dressed like a police officer.

Coma police officer, Martin Ambrose, was re-assigned last week after what officials called “a necessary change to ensure the success and integrity of Coma’s undercover and vice efforts.”

According to Coma police chief, Raleigh Fitzsimmons, Ambrose was re-assigned to internal affairs after a string of poorly executed undercover assignments.

“He just didn’t get it,” Fitzsimmons said.  “Despite numerous meetings, training and extremely specific, in-depth and detailed conversations, Officer Ambrose failed to grasp the essence of undercover police work.”

Ambrose refused to comment on the situation but did say he was looking forward to his new position in internal affairs.

According to several sources who wished to remain anonymous, Ambrose tended to “stand-out” while working undercover and constantly introduced himself as “Officer Ambrose” or even “Sergeant Martin Ambrose of the Coma Police Department” even while deeply imbedded with local crime rings.

“I don’t think he made it more than two hours for any of his undercover assignments,” one insider said.  “It probably didn’t help that he usually showed his badge and was dressed in uniform.”

Ambrose will begin in his new position next week and has already gone on record to say he looks forward to helping support his fellow officers in every aspect of their job and that he’s “got their back.”