Category: Living

Blog: Watch Out, Mysteries!

LOL detectives. We'll find everything out about the guy you love so that you can be everything he thinks he wants.

Guys are mysteries wrapped in enigmas but
they don’t have to be with the power of the internet.

 

Editor’s note: As part of Coma News’ community outreach, the following blog excerpt is one of a selection of local online postings we will re-publish by residents and business owners.

Watch Out, Mysteries! Here Comes the LOL Detective Agency
By Marybell Davis, 25 years old, Amazing life lived, Awesome blogger of Awesome things

I’ve realized not everyone has talents. That’s why it is so, so important to use any mad skills that you discover you have.

After several days of soul searching and my dad annoying me to do something with my life (Angry Dad: Your Psych degree cost me $200,000, blah, blah, blah), it’s now clear to me that I have valuable skills people should pay a lot for. Detective skills! LOL!

Seriously, do you have someone who you need investigated online? Anyone can check some guy’s LinkedIn and Facebook pages but who goes the extra step of researching all of their female contacts (jobs, hobbies, clothes, where they sleep)?

It’s also easy to overlook email these days. But do you realize most office administrators’ have unrestricted access to the email accounts of every employee? Surprise! I know you’re still writing your old girlfriend, Jax.

Any investigator can sit outside some guy’s house all night watching from their car, but who cares enough to find that spare key, get in and watch them sleep?

This chick, that’s who.
So send your mysteries to the LOL Detective Agency (LOL!). But no hurry I’ve got a pro bono case I’m still working on.

Contact this private dick (gross) at townofcoma@gmail.com

 

Blog: How to Care for Your Pet Wolverine

Coma resident, Ed Potter, shares his tips on raising wolverines

Coma resident, Ed Potter, shares his tips on raising wolverines

By Ed Potter

There are dog people, old cat ladies and even folks who like fish as pets. But anyone who’s ever been fortunate enough to raise wild wolverines at home knows that the most honest and rewarding relationship is between a human and a wild, untamed and unpredictable small predator.

Raising wolverines is not like raising other pets. As someone who has lived with these insensitive and ferocious monsters for nearly two decades I can offer some tips and suggestions for first-time wolverine owners navigating their way through a potentially deadly–yet fulfilling–relationship.

No Wolverines in Your Bed

I made this mistake several times. It took losing half an ear a few years ago to realize that sleeping with wolverines is not a good idea. When the animal gets hungry, or playful, it is likely to gnaw on your ear and it unlikely to stop until it has consumed your ear (as was the case with me). While it might seem kind of cute the first time, after the second time you will regret your decision–especially if you wear eyeglasses.

Teeth Your Mouth Not Safe

I lost an incisor last spring after “Daffodil”, a three-year-old female wolverine, clawed and chewed it out of my jaw. Although this attack is relatively rare, the dog-like attraction of wolverines to bones should not be underestimated. The best way to prevent this is to never open your mouth around your pet wolverine. Ever.

Let Wolverine Urinate at All Times

It is not recommended that you attempt to house-train your wolverine. The animals evacuate their bowels everywhere and view efforts to clean it up as a direct challenge to their territory. Best advice is to simply steer clear of any place in your home where your wolverine has urinated.

Stay In Your Room After Dark

If someone were to ask me for just one piece of advice before leaping in to the world of wolverine pet ownership, I would probably plead with them to fear the dark. As soon as the sun sets, go into your bedroom, lock the door and don’t come out until daybreak. You’ll be tempted to open your door or check out that loud-pitch squealing or wonder where the faint sound of moaning is emanating from, but it’s best to leave it alone.

Full-body Chew Suit

Invest in a decent full-body chew suit. I know the ones they sell on devildog.com for $495 seem tempting because they are so cheap, but trust me, you’ll regret it the first time it’s breached and you lose a tendon. Decent chew suits from dumpygrays.com start just under $1,200. When you add up the medical bills you’re sure to incur with the cheaper suit, the choice is pretty obvious.

That’s all of my advice. Remember to love your wolverine but also be very, very, very cautious because that violent, impulsive demon will chew your face off right in front of your eyes.

Ed Potter

townofcoma@hotmail.com

Coma Author’s New Book A Whimsical Tale About Pie-Faced Boy

bk2

Coma children’s author, Stanford Higgens, released his latest book yesterday at a signing event at the Coma Library.  Titled “Don’t Eat Milo’s Head“, the book tells the story of a young boy named Milo whose head is made entirely out of a delicious, yet undefined, homemade pie.

“The three best things in the entire world are pie, people’s heads and children,” the author said.  “In ‘Don’t Eat Milo’s Head’, I’ve brought those things together into one story that I believe will launch a new genre of food-headed themed stories for children.”

In the story, Milo wakes up one morning to discover his entire head is made out of freshly-baked pie.  As he navigates through his journey, Milo seeks to discover how his head was transformed into a delicious baked good and how such a turn of events will have an impact on the rest of his life.  Throughout the story, Milo must evade an array of hungry bandits, raccoons, pastry chefs and members of the 38th United States Congress. 

“I think my favorite scene in the book is when former New Hampshire Senator John P. Hale turns to Indiana Senator Thomas A. Hendricks and says, ‘I’m gonna ratify that pie right into my belly,'” said Higgens.  “Those are the fun little surprises peppered throughout the story.  I mean, imagine a former United States Senator stuffing his face in such gluttonous fashion!  It’s whimsical!”

Higgens said his latest effort has opened his mind to a lot of different opportunities.

“I realize now that you can combine any food item with any body part and whammo! you have a children’s story,” the 49-year old author said.  “It’s inspiring.”

**SPOILER ALERT**

Higgens was quick to defend himself from recent criticism that “Don’t Eat Milo’s Head” is too graphic in places for young children, particularly a scene near the end of the story where Milo’s head is ravaged by a pack of dirty hobos under the Brooklyn Bridge, leaving the young protagonist with little more than crust for face.

**END OF SPOILER**

“There is a symmatry to this story and I think once people have had an opportunity to digest it, and just for the record that pun was completely and entirely unintended, but once people absorb the journey and reflect upon it, they will see that it all fits together quite magnificently, even if Milo does end up dying at the hands of dirty, filthy hobos,” Higgens said.

Higgens next effort is already in the works.  Titled ‘In the Land of Reuben Hands’, it tells the story of a group of young children who wake up one morning to find their hands have been replaced by delicious Reuben sandwiches.

 

Coma Land Mine Tour A Special Experience for the Young and Old

By: Coma News Staff

One of Coma’s best kept secrets is also it’s best kept secrets.  The Coma Land Mine Tour is a must-do for any out-of-towner and even local residents.  Whether you’ve experienced the tour once or one-hundred times, there is always something new to discover on this unique and mysterious adventure.

The tour starts at the Coma Land Mine Museum.  There, visitors will be treated to a two-foot map of Coma and the surrounding areas.  Look closely!  You might see the small question marks on the map.  There are more than 200 question marks.  Each question mark represents a location in Coma that might be the home to a land mine.

You might also see the gift shop, but it’s best to wait to visit the gift shop until after your tour.

The Coma Land Mine tour takes approximately 30 minutes (longer if you spend a lot of time taking photographs or playing with Clovis The First-Aid Dog).  Although sometimes the order of the stops is different, visitors should expect to see the following highlights:

Area Behind the Bus Stop on 6th.  The area behind the bus stop on 6th is one of the first stops of the tour and offers a partial view of the parking lot adjacent to Bigby’s Mini-Mart.

Some Raspberry Bushes.  Located three blocks away from the bus stop is a collection of wildly overgrown raspberry bushes.  Rumor has it, a land mine might be buried there.  Nobody knows for sure, but if it’s the right time of year, you might be able to pick a couple delicious raspberries.  But watch your step!

– O’Bert’s Grassy Pee Spot.  Located on an empty lot not far from the Grizzly Tavern is O’Bert’s grassy pee spot.  Named after long-time Coma resident, Nathaniel O’Bert, who often used the lot to relieve himself and pass out, it is one of the most memorable stops along the tour.  It offers a pungent aroma and a view of bushes, dead grass and some large rocks.

– Dog Hump Park.  The next stop takes you to Dog Hump Park.  This location got its nickname due to the large number of wild and stray dogs that frequent the area and can often be seen having intercourse.  Be on the lookout for dead animals (and land mines)!  The packs of dogs are sometimes known to drag the carcasses of their kills back to this area.  Great photo opportunity for the entire family! In the summer, it is not uncommon for Clovis The First-Aid Dog to greet guests at this location for some fun.

– Vacant Gravel Lot.  There is a vacant gravel lot about a block away from Dog Hump Park.  It is one of the last stops and provides a breathtaking view of a dilapidated fence, several old appliances and lots and lots of gravel!

– Self-Guided Kid’s Maze.  The last stop before returning to the museum is the self-guided kid’s maze located next door.  This mostly empty grass field is believed to house more than a dozen land mines.  In the fall, the leaves are raked into intricate patterns for children to walk through and try to find their way out!  And after working up an appetite, children who complete the maze are in for a treat!  Each child will receive a Fig Newton cookie.

– Clovis The First-Aid Dog.  Upon returning to the museum, guests will be greeted by the tour’s famous mascot, Clovis The First-Aid Dog.  The lovable, one-legged dog is sure to bring a smile to any face.  Don’t leave just yet!  You’ll want to stick around to have your picture taken with Clovis and pick up your complimentary pair of collectable crutches.  But it’s not over!  As you depart, children between the ages of 6 and 7 can help themselves to one free Fig Newton cookie!

So whether your young or old or somewhere in between, the Coma Land Mine Tour and Museum provides a chance to be outdoors for approximately 30 minutes and see some of Coma’s true treasures.

Tours are offered at 12 p.m., 2 p.m. and 4 p.m. Tuesday through Saturday.  Cost of admission is $8 for adults and $3 for children under the age of four weeks.

 

Coma DIV of Motor Vehicles Serving Up More than Long Lines

A photograph of assorted alcoholic beverages which may or may not be served at the Coma Department of Vehicles pictured below.

alcoholic drinks

By Robert McGuiness, Coma News Reporter, Not an Alcoholic

 

The Coma Division of the Department of Motor Vehicles (DIV) was set to close this Friday due to lack of funding as Coma is not considered an incorporated town within the State or the United States of America however Mayor Dave has found a solution to this issue– sponsorship.

“This is a great way for the community to sponsor a necessary entity within the town while not relying on State funding or even being recognized as an incorporated city.” said Mayor Dave. “People can come check out the DIV bar and get a license plate.”

Jax Owen, car dealer, relationship advice columnist and moonshine distributor agrees. “It’s about to get all kinds of rowdy up in here.”
The sponsorship will begin this Thursday. Alcohol will be served on the premise every day of the week except for Sunday when the DIV bar is closed. All DIV bar receipts and car license plates will be branded with the sponsors logo going forward “BigOwen Moonrise Moonshine”.

Local Children’s Author Releases New Book

The latest book from popular Coma children’s author, Stanford Higgens, will be released today.  Titled “Don’t Eat Milo’s Head,” Higgens said the book represents a dramatic shift in his writing.

“Up to this point, I have relied on a lot of analogies and metaphors in my writing,” Higgens said.  “With ‘Don’t Eat Milo’s Head,’ I’ve moved in to a more literal place in my story telling.”

The story tells the tale of Milo, a pre-pubescent teenager whose head is made entirely out of pie.  Milo must struggle to

Described as a “fun, rollicking journey of self discovery and

 

Popular Coma children’s author, Stanford Higgens, will release his latest book, “Boo-Ba The Armless Clown” at a special book signing in town next week.

Described as a “haunting, cautionary tale,” the story features an armless clown named Boo-Ba, who wanders a war-ravaged country side in search of human companionship.

“This is a fun-filled, colorful story about a happy-go-lucky clown who sets out to have adventures and learns a few life lessons along the way,” Higgens said of his latest work.

Boo-Ba’s adventures include several run-ins with a terminally ill horse named Sever, who has numerous bouts of incontinence and tries to get the armless clown to pet him, despite the face Boo-Ba has no arms.

“I hope this story will fill childrens’ imaginations for years to come,” Higgens said.  “It’s one of those books that will require multiple readings because there will likely be so much laughter and chuckling going on that you’re bound to miss some details on the first pass.”

Higgens said his favorite part of the book involves Boo-Bah accidentally drinking a gallon of gasoline and having to be rushed to a field hospital to have his stomach pumped.

“There are so many lessons for children to learn from reading this story,” Higgens said.  “It’s great for parents because some of these topics, like drinking gasoline, can be sensitive subjects.  The book breaks down those walls and allows parents to open a dialogue with their children.”

Higgens plans on releasing a new book every month through the spring of 2014.  His next title, “Don’t Eat Milo’s Head” will be released on November 26.

Community Update: Coma’s Own Sadie Cracker Hosts “Accidental Cougar” Seminar

On Friday, January 24th, Coma’s Ms. Sadie Cracker will host a seminar at the Coma Community Center titled: “The Accidental Cougar: Unintentionally Finding a Younger, Richer, Better Looking Man and How to Drop Him”.

Synopsis is written below:

So, Ladies, you find yourself almost forty and driving down the road in your giant black Suburban blasting the Beastie Boys, “No Sleep till Brooklyn”. There are eight children in the back of the car.

You do not know the names of the children but believe several might be yours.

At this moment all you know is the children are screaming even though you threw McDonald’s burgers toward the back of the car like raw meat to caged lions.

You crank up the music and “Baby’s Got Back” comes on the Sirius Satellite and a child in the back, who you do not know but has ended up in your car, starts yelling that they’ve lost a finger and you realize you have to get out of the relationship you are in.

When you met him you were having problems with your husband, ex husband or significant other or you had no significant other, husband or ex husband — he was much younger, funny, smart, wealthy, good looking and some how attracted to you. He made you believe you are hot even though you don’t own any thongs and your giant Haynes cotton is slightly threadbare.

You recently found out that he is attracted to many women who are not you and are much younger. They are hot. You are wizened.

This is you: you are not in your 20s anymore. You drive a large Suburban, there are tears running down your cheeks, you liked “Salt and Pepper” the band and not the condiment, as a teenager.

There is a child in back of your Suburban bleeding profusely, another screaming child threw a McDonald’s hamburger bun at your head and you have ketchup and onions in your hair. You are a woman who is almost 40 and this is your reality– you have McDonald’s sub-par excuse for velveeta stuck to your ear lobe.

How do you get out of this relationship because you are an accidental cougar?

Our first seminar will focus on how to write him the email that forces him to cut you off because you don’t want to cut him off. Write up an email that is brutally honest to the point it is eviscerating, Cougar, but never use the words cheeseburger, children, runny noses or speak of the realities of over-sized cotton underwear. You send him the email. He is into the fairytale you and not the real you who looks like Ronald McDonald ran into a hot yoga class and picked a food fight.

You kill the fairytale email.

Right now the back of your Suburban is a war zone where no one is winning and there are multiple casualties and one of the nameless children wet their pants all over the leather seat.

Stop your Suburban and pull down the mirror and look at yourself. You are almost 40. You have ketchup in your hair and now there are three children bleeding in the back of your car. You wear yoga pants and you have not brushed your hair or teeth in a week. This is not a fairytale, Cougar. This man is not your reality even though it felt amazing. You get out safely without any collateral damage to your heart. Join us for the first seminar. We will provide wine, a wake up call and babysitting. Your baggage is free. Join us at the community center and take back your life– after you take the bleeding child to the emergency room.

 

 

Daniel Day Lewis Completes Filming on Police Academy Sequel

police academy poster 1

Three-time Academy Award winning actor Daniel Day-Lewis announced this week that principle photography for the highly anticipated new Police Academy movie, “Police Academy 8: Homeland Insecurity”, wrapped up this week in the town of Coma.

The project was a labor of love for Day-Lewis, who has pursued the project for years.

“I really wanted to get back to doing comedy,” Day-Lewis said.  “I haven’t done a true comedy since “My Left Foot.”  That was more than 20 years ago.”

The latest film in the popular franchise will feature Day-Lewis as the clumsy and daft police sergeant, Harry “Flatch” Doubleday.  Day-Lewis said the character’s nickname is derived from the fact the character has “extensive flatulence” throughout the movie.

“I think that was partly what drew me to this character,” Day-Lewis said.  “Initially the producers said they would use sound effects for the flatulence because they wanted it to be over-the-top.  But I told them no.  I told them that I wanted to produce the flatulence organically. An audience can tell when you’re being honest with them on screen.  They hear a flatulence sound effect, you’ve lost them.  I want them to be immersed in the story.  That flatulence has to come from deep within me.”

Day-Lewis put himself on a high-fiber diet and did extensive research with several doctors and scientists in an effort to boost his ability to deliver “the goods” on camera.

“My family is certainly relieved that I’m done with this film,” Day-Lewis said.  “That’s for goddamned sure.  I haven’t seen our cat in months.  I think he ‘bugged out’,” Day-Lewis added with a smile.

The story centers on a wacky and often irreverent group of police recruits who are called into action to stop a terrorist threat when the rest of the city’s police force is kidnapped.

“I read the script and I felt like I was reading a newspaper,” Day-Lewis said.  “Everything about it felt real, and that’s what makes great comedy. I mean, imagine every law enforcement person in an entire city being kidnapped?  Who would protect us?  How would that feel?  It would be scary.  Who would take their place?  Recruits.  That’s who.  That’s exactly how it would happen in real life and that’s exactly what happens in this movie.  And that is a great foundation for creating humor.”

Day-Lewis said that while this film may seem like a departure from some of his other roles, he remains immensely proud of his work on the new movie and believes the risks he took in making the character come to life will pay off for movie goers.

“There is one scene in particular that I am proud of,” Day-Lewis explained.  “My character gets trapped in a port-a-potty.  A car crashes into the port-a-potty sending it tumbling down the street. End over end several times.  My character is stuck inside.  Eventually the port-a-potty comes to a stop and Flatch opens the door as says ‘Has someone been eating tacos?’ Of course he is covered in human waste.  I decided that I wanted to use real human waste.  The producers were against it at first but I convinced them it was the right thing to do artistically.  So the crew had at the port-a-potty for several days until it was maxed out.  We do the scene and I’m swimming in this stuff.  But this much I know; when the audience watches that scene and Flatch asks if someone has been eating tacos, the audience is going to believe that Flatch must have smelled or tasted something in that port-a-potty that made him believe someone had recently eaten tacos.  This whole thing is a process.  I’d also add, on a personal note, that I really do enjoy tacos. So even that is authentic.”

“Police Academy 8: Homeland Insecurity” will debut in theaters next spring.