Category: Living

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

 

 

[FreecycleComa] OFFER: Wax for moustache and beard

Homemade from coconut oil and beeswax. Husband doesn’t have a stache anymore. :) Slightly used until I threatened divorce. He doesn’t make Duck Dynasty money. Porch pick up. No hair included.

Pictured is a graph of beards that might need my free beard wax. The hollywoodian beard does not require wax.

Pictured is a graph of beards that might need my free beard wax. The hollywoodian beard does not require wax.

Contact Anne

townofcoma (at) gmail.com

 

[FreecycleComa] Wanted: several podiums for upcoming lecture on importance of podiums

Can be the kind that sits on top of a table or stands alone. Want my Coma students to understand the importance of podiums and the commanding authority they impart to an audience.

This is an example of the kind of podium I am looking for. As you can see I am looking for simple standard podiums.

This is an example of the kind of podium I am looking for. Obviously, any simple podium will do.

Thanks!
Jenn
townofcoma (at) gmail.com
[FreecycleComa] Offer: Norwegian criminal novel books

Hey, Norwegian freecyclers. This one’s for you!

I have a stack of paperback criminal novels;

Unni Lindell, Torkil Damhaug, Jørn Lier Horst, Karin forrsum, Lars Kepler..
These novels are in English but there are things about them that only people who live in Norway would understand.

These novels are in English but there are things about them that only people who live in or are from Norway would understand.

First to email gets them. No answer – they’re gone.
email Jax Owen townofcoma (at) gmail.com

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

[FreecycleComa] Wanted :Training wheels for bike‏

Would be grateful. Husband ran over ours with car by accident. He’s a terrible driver. The rest of the bike would be great, as well. Thanks!

Attention Training wheels lady at townofcoma@gmail.com

[FreecycleComa] WANTED: 6×6 treated lumber

Probably a long shot, but we’re planning to build some raised beds for gardening and wondering if anyone has some 6×6 lumber you’re willing to part with. Any length will do. Also, if you have 10-15 hours to come over and plant the garden for us that would be a huge plus. Contact Dee Collins.
Thanks!
townofcoma@gmail.com
yellow-flowerbed-funny-design-car

[FreecycleComa] OFFER: Free items after moving sale‏–Getting out of this burg

Address 123 Talbott Street, Coma. Sale goes on 2-4pm. After 4pm, whatever is not sold will be thrown at cars passing by. Stop by after 4pm to see what’s left! Or stop by earlier if you aren’t so cheap you actually want to pay for something. Likely clothes, kitchen items, food, shoes, earrings, necklaces, plastic storage, a small shelf, scarves, hats, etc.

Just stop by. No need to email. But if you stop by before 4pm you’ll have to pay for shit.

email Mickey K Car at townofcoma@gmail.com for address

Blog: Mysteries, Check. Money, Ugh!

Editor’s note: As part of Coma News’ community outreach, the following blog excerpt is one of a selection of local online postings we will re-publish by residents and business owners.

Mysteries, Check. Money, Ugh!

Marybell Davis, 25 years old, Amazing life lived, Awesome blogger of Awesome things

Does this sound familiar to anyone else on the Intertubes?

Dad: Marybell, get out of your pajamas and get a job. Are you ever going to move out of my house? I’m not the 25 year old’s daddy-slave.
Well I took statistics in college, Daddy. And it doesn’t take someone with bachelor’s degree in Psychology (go, me) to know that most businesses don’t make money in the first five years.

In the three weeks since I’ve started the LOL Detective Agency I’ve found that there aren’t a lot of mysteries to solve.

That guy “a client” needed details on? Found them.

That time I stayed out in the bushes and watched a “ex-suspect’s” house? Done with it.
My dad says I’m the Nancy Drew of texting and selfies but there was no way that chick would know about stuff like free shipping from Amazon Prime, even though it’s suuuch a good deal.
My Dad thinks I should fall back on my Psychology degree. LOL,not! What does he want me to do read people’s minds?
Just this morning I solved my latest mystery: why our neighbor Marlee Bumgartener doesn’t leave her house. She didn’t ask me to solve this mystery.

I just decided to check it out because someone said “Why doesn’t Marlee  ever leave her house?”
I carefully cased her house for 10 minutes and then asked her dad, who told me in some kind of foreign English (LOL) that “she does not go under the sun leave.” I think he meant she has a sun allergy. Mystery solved.

My dad’s reaction? How much did I get paid?
LOL, Dad.
I still have almost five years to make money in this startup.

C’mon Junior Nature Lovers!

CES green team logo
This advertorial does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily.
By Coma News staff

Coma Elementary School invites local students
to learn about nature and our delicate environment by signing up for 
the CES Green Team!

For a small monthly fee of $25 children can 
join the Green Team that supervises care for the CES garden. In addition
to valuable gardening skills so critical to living in a more 
sustainable way, participating students also will learn to identify and 
remove invasive species around the grounds that irresponsible humans 
have brought to our town, such as honey suckle plants. Boo!

Green Team recruits also will master a
range of skills critical to saving our environment, including mulching, 
weeding, lawn cutting, fence painting, light electrical work, toilet 
maintenance and so much more!

green team photo 1

When Green Team youth cadets have 
mastered these skills we'll take our love of the environment on the road
and provide all manner of services around town (don't forget to have 
your parents sign the legal release forms)!

Former Green Team cadet first class Chase Donovan described his experience as "cool."

So join the fun, kids!

And remember parents, 
signing your kids up for a one year commitment to the Green Team is 
really the least you can do to keep the planet from melting down and 
killing us all.

Long Live Green Team!
To join Green Team write townofcoma@gmail.com

*This is an advertorial and does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily."

A Page 3 Newspaper

 

 The following is paid advertisement and does not reflect the views of Coma News.
I’ve been trying to get Coma News to publish a letter to the editor on my tenth anniversary of becoming an American citizen but due to certain past kerfluffles they would only publish it if I paid for the space.
Ten years ago I became a U.S. citizen and I’m still not sure why.
Probably because I was here, not in Scotland and American chicks are generally hotter.
Chicks in Coma like their Popsicle sticky.

This ad brought to you by Big Underpants– Coma’s source for the largest underpants in America.

Oh yeah, and I wanted to report on the news. You know, real news, corruption, truth.
After doing the DC cesspool thing I thought a small town was where a single reporter could make a real difference and I fell in love with a burlesque dancer.
The leadership of Coma News said I’d have the freedom to tell the hard truths and break open the moldy corruption at the heart of this town.
This is Coma's best plus sized model.

This is Coma’s best plus sized model. This ad brought to you by Big Underpants– Coma’s source for the largest underpants in America.

Coma News and I have since parted ways. And this once great newspaper has descended to knob slobbing coverage of the products of Coors, Wheats and whatever other big money John is willing to pay the freight.
Journalism shouldn’t be about money or ratings or earning living wages.
It should be about the truth and telling the stories that people need to hear, and Page 3 girls–not necessarily in that order.

Probably page 3 first then everything else.
This woman looks nothing like women alive or dead in Coma.

This woman looks nothing like women alive or dead in Coma.

Coma Couple’s House Haunted?

Micah Horncraft and his wife, Cindy, believe their home may be haunted

Is A Ghost Haunting a Coma Couple’s Home?

By Coma News Staff

Micah Horncraft didn’t want to believe it. “It’s something you see in movies but don’t think could ever happen to you,” the 30-year old husband and curator at the Coma Futurist Society said. “But after seeing the things I’ve seen over the past six months and talking to my wife about it, I am a believer.”

Horncraft and his wife Cindy live in a quiet, serene neighborhood in Coma. The couple has lived in the home for nearly three years. Micah says there was nothing out of the ordinary in regards to their home, but that all changed one rainy afternoon in early May when Micah came home early from work.

“I walked in the front door and could hear this low moaning sound coming from somewhere upstairs,” explained Micah. “It was kind of spooky so I went to investigate. The moaning stopped suddenly. I didn’t know what to make of it. My wife was taking a nap in our bedroom and she said she didn’t hear anything. But she was kind of clammy and out of breath. At the time I didn’t think much of it but later realized she may have had a poltergeist-style experience while she was sleeping.”

From that point on, however, the strange occurrences only escalated. Approximately one week later, Micah discovered a pair of men’s underwear underneath his bed.

underwear

Pair of underwear Micah discovered under his bed. Horncraft believes the men’s underwear were left by the ghost.

“I was at a loss. They weren’t my underwear,” Micah said. “That’s when my wife, Cindy, suggested that the house was haunted.”

At first, Micah didn’t buy it. He thought there had to be another explanation for what was happening.

“Cindy was convinced there was a ghost,” Micah explained. “She said it would explain the moaning sounds I heard. She also said she did some research on the internet and that it’s pretty common for ghosts to steal men’s underwear from one dimension and leave it in our dimension. So things kind of started to make sense.”

In June, Micah discovered an open Trojan condom wrapper in the bathroom, which only intensified the mystery surrounding their wayward spiritual visitor.

“That kind of freaked me out,” he said. “My wife though, who has really remained calm throughout this entire experience, discovered that, once again, this was not out of the ordinary. Apparently some ghosts will have intercourse and then leave their condom wrappers lying around.”

Fortunately for Micah and Cindy, they were not alone in investigating the bizarre supernatural events happening in their home. According to Micah, Jax Owen, a neighbor and used-car salesman, has taken a deep interest in the situation.

Micah's neighbor, Jax Owen has been a huge help to the Horncraft's during their ordeal

Micah’s neighbor, Jax Owen has been a huge help to the Horncrafts during their ordeal

“I don’t know what I would do without Jax’s help,” Micah said. “He’s been there for Cindy and me and has really gone above and beyond in terms of trying to help us make sense of the situation.”

According to Horncraft, Owen became involved in July. Micah said he came home from work and went upstairs to find Owen in his bedroom with his wife.

“Cindy had gotten a little bit shaken by some noises she had heard and asked Jax to come over and investigate,” Micah explained. “Thank god we have a neighbor willing to help out like that.”

Shortly after that incident, Owen suggested to the couple that the three of them conduct a “ghost hunt.” Owen secured specialized equipment that would allow them to sense the presence of a spirit. The equipment included a variety of recording devices, microphones, cameras and earplugs.

“The plan was that we would spread out and each monitor different parts of the house,” Micah said. “I was stationed in the basement and Cindy and Jax were stationed upstairs in our bedroom.”

Micah said Jax gave him a microphone, a recorder and a set of industrial-strength ear plugs and instructed him to remain in the basement for the night and record anything unusual that he heard. Micah said the evening was uneventful and he ended up falling asleep midway through the night. But what he discovered in the early-morning hours the next day shook him too the core.

“I went upstairs and found Cindy naked and sleeping on the floor of our bedroom,” Micah said. “I searched for Jax and found him in the kitchen making himself a sandwich. He was also naked. Things were just getting way too creepy for me.”

According to Cindy, she had no recollection of the night and did not know how she ended up naked on the floor of their bedroom. Owen was similarly mystified. He said he woke up naked in the kitchen and was suddenly very hungry so he made himself a sandwich.

“This ghost or spirit or whatever it is has gone too far,” Micah said. “When it starts possessing my wife’s body, well, that’s where I draw the line.”

Horncraft claims to have had first-hand contact with the spirit. After a late shift at work, he came home and saw the ghost in his living room. He said the shadowy figure rushed out of the room. Horncraft was so shaken by the incident that he quickly sketched out a drawing of what he saw before it escaped his mind.

 

A sketch of the ghost Horncraft claims haunts his home

A sketch of the ghost Horncraft claims haunts his home

“I think he was going to try to possess Cindy,” Micah said.  “She fell asleep on the couch and when I woke her up she was sweaty and her heart was racing. She later told me that she felt him trying to possess her body so that’s when I figured that he was probably trying to possess her body.”

While Horncraft has urged his wife that the two of them should consult a paranormal expert to investigate the matter further, Cindy is convinced the couple can handle this situation on their own, with the help of trusty neighbor, Jax.

“Cindy thinks the best way to handle a haunting like this is to keep it between the two of us. And Jax of course. I am so grateful for Jax,” Micah said, wiping away a tear from the corner of his eye. “I don’t know how we would have made it through all of this without his help.”

At press time, the couple was still dealing with strange occurrences. Micah recently asked Jax to stay at the house on the nights he has to work late to help look after Cindy. Sources confirm that Jax has agreed to do so.

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

OFFER [Freecycle Coma]: My Husband- Near Coma HS

I have a husband to offer – please see photo below for an example of what my husband does not look like:

 

If this was my husband he wouldn't be duck taped to the Adirondack chair.

If this was my husband he wouldn’t be duct taped to the Adirondack chair.

Dimensions:

Height – 6 ft

Width – ?? in– he’s large

Depth – None

For porch collection close to COMA HS. He is duct taped to an Adirondack chair. Email Dee Collins at townofcoma@gmail.com for home address. You can pick him up any time I am not going to cut him free. Bring your own scissors. You can take the chair too.

OFFER [Freecycle Coma]: fish bowl and bottom rocks- Coma lake, back parking lot

be very quiet as you approach. I am not a stalker or anything. This is a real fish bowl and bottom rocks. I can’t take a photo but will show you when you get here. Get out of your car and walk behind the trees and the fish bowl will be RIGHT THERE. This is a great fishbowl. It’s free. Come alone. If you want this fish bowl it will be at the lake at 7. First come first serve.

OFFER [Freecycle Coma]: Some birth control pills– out of date- Near Coma Free Clinic

All of these pills say they are past their expiration date but I hate to throw them away. I got pregnant so I didn’t need them. I think they might be YAZ. Not sure. Expired last October but might still work. I have seven packages.

Sadie Cracker to schedule pick-up time townofcoma@gmail.com

 

“Mew mew mew” Means “Must-See”

Coma Community Players Score A Smash Hit With “Cats”

By Matthew Lampwick

Everybody loves cats. They are fun, furry, highly intelligent and very clean animals. They are one of the top two most common house pets, and they are beloved all around the world. In fact, they were once worshipped as gods in ancient Egypt for their proud stance and soulful little eyes. Even those people who take it upon themselves to drown kittens must recognize that cats have a very special spirit. Now the Coma Community Players have brought us a new play that captures the magic and majesty of cats, titled, appropriately Cats.

Cats celebrates the humor and deep emotional connections that exist between cats and their owners. That is what I assume from the poster. I was not able to attend the opening night performance for which I had free tickets. My neighbor’s cockatiel Hercules had diarrhea, so I was unable to make it out on opening night. I tried to get Hercules admitted to the hospital, but the hospital staff told me that Hercules was fine and that bird poop is naturally runny. Puh-leese. I know diarrhea when I see it.

It came as quite a disappointment to me to miss the show as both a cat lover and theatre buff. Director Shane Wilhelm Darvish, a regular at the old-fashioned ice cream shoppe where I work, is an exciting new voice on the stage, a visionary young artist. The script is by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, with whom I am not familiar. I think he works at the tire store.

I was first struck by the stunning visual design of the poster hanging outside the lobby of the theatre. I meant to take a picture of it with my phone so I could post it here, but I forgot. The poster seemed to depict two magical creatures, half human, half cat. The two figures seemed to be modeling a pose or perhaps breaking into dance. There were lots of very interesting colors. I wish you could see it. I did my best to recreate it here on this sheet of loose-leaf paper.

Scan 2

The cast includes a few familiar faces. Cecily Applebaum stars as Skimbleshanks according to the program. If her acting is as good as her quilt-making, then her performance must be truly stunning. The quilt she made for my mother’s funeral was so nice I just couldn’t bury her with it. So now it stays in my downstairs closet, and I take it out and put it on the sofa when I have company. It’s gorgeous. Tommy Lincomb makes his stage debut as Rum Tum Tugger. Now, a lot of people been talking about Tommy lately at the ice cream shoppe, saying he’s too old to be a paperboy. But if it’s okay with old Mr. Turtle who prints the newspapers, then it’s none of our business how Tommy earns a living. He’s a good kid, and, I don’t know about you, but my papers end up on my porch most mornings, and that should be all that matters.


Cats is already generating buzz around town. Drama teacher Craig Robusto claimed Cats is “as good or better” than a high school production. Director Shane Darvis is reeling from the early success of the production.

“A lot of people said if was insane to mount a production of Cats at a small community theatre,” said Darvish. “Especially because we couldn’t afford the rights to do any of the original songs. But in the end none of that mattered. Everybody came out to support us, and everybody loved it.”

If you have not yet been out to see the Coma Community Players’ Cats at the George K. Sieghard Memorial Theatre and Yoga Studio, reserve a seat now. I’m hoping to go tonight, and I will need a ride.