Daddy Warbucks: Marybell, maybe you should start thinking about getting a job rather than this private detective stuff. It seems like its just not panning out because there’s no money in it.
Marybell: Daddy, that’s sexist. How much was Einstein paid for his theory of eels and stuff?
It’s almost impossible to be a private dick in a mans world.
Men are mysteries. Like, why do they put their hands down their pants? Why do they stay in a bathroom for two hours and still walk out and their hair isn’t even combed? Why do they wear Jockey shorts, which is so sexist–there are women jockeys, people!
All these questions remind me of the time at a zoo I saw a gorilla hurling his own fecese at the shatter proof glass and I know this is not a good comparison because men have totally evolved beyond poop jokes and the need to have sex with some poor small much younger monkey lady?
But beyond all of the intricacies of men that I’ve mentioned above, I wanted to solve the greatest man-mystery of all: how you get to the heart of a man. Even more important, what is at the heart of a man? Is it love? Is it the need for intimate talks and walks on the beach? Is it every Lifetime movie where the man just wants to deeply understand what is inside of a woman’s heart? In short, what makes men tick?
So I went to the only place that made sense–an airport bar.
I sat next to a middle-age dude, we’ll call him airport guy, who was trying very hard to help a girl my age remember her phone number.
“What’s your phone number?” airport guy said.
“I don’t remember,” phone girl said and left the bar.
My phone was dying and the bar had a charging station under where airport guy was sitting so obviously I said “can I put my chord between your legs?”
And he looked at me and suddenly asked me the nicest thing.
“How is your day going?”
So we talked about really really important things like Tinder and he told me that chick who couldn’t remember her number really missed out on his texting skills. I told him i was a detective writing about the heart of men. He also told me that he’s also a private dick “in a way” and is also a writer–just like me!
Of course I gave him my email address so he could share his stories.
We said our goodbyes and when he finally sent me a story it was all about how I could help him in some really gross ways. It was also illustrated with “private dick” photos that were so gross and no one should have to see.
I was confused. Is this the heart of a man? So, I asked the smartest man I know, my Dad, about it.
Me: is this the heart of a man Daddy?
And I showed him the pic of airport guy’s very uninformed “private dick pictorial” story of what women want. Also, Airport guy is married. It was really easy to find that fact out.
Daddy Warbucks: Ah, gross. Where did this come from?
Me: Some guy in an airport who told me he’s a writer and a detective, like me. Is this the heart of a man?
Daddy Warbucks: No, I’ve never sent anything like that to a woman.
Me: Then what is the heart of a man?
Daddy Warbucks: Men and women are different, it’s true. But I think, in the end, everyone wants to be cared about for who they are, cherished, loved, cared for, treated with kindness and respect. That’s love. And then there are douches like this guy you met and no one can fix is heart or his unfortunate picture skills.
The mystery of a mans heart is solved. Men have good hearts too and also better underwear names. I am getting so good at this job.