Category: Living

Yoko App Promises to Help GenX With Direction

The following is paid advertisement and does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily.

stop sign 1

From the mind of Bob Smith-Smith, former Coma Town Councilman, father, grandfather and twice married businessman, comes a breakthrough directional tool for Generation X, called simply YOKO.
Bob Smith-Smith: I developed YOKO, based on the WAZE App, because I can’t always be there to direct my kids and grandkids, and tell them “Oh no you’re doing that wrong.” And below is an example of how it works.
Guy who is 43, wearing a plaid flannel, and listening to Beastie Boys, “No Sleep Till Brooklyn” : YOKO, Is it ok if my kids play in the yard without me hovering three feet away?
YOKO APP: Oh no, don’t do that. You’re a failure as a parent.
Guy working at a used book store in the Japanimation section: YOKO, Is there anything I can do to get out of this career slump?
YOKO APP: Oh no, your job is meaningless. But you can always live in my basement.
GIRL wearing a beret and an ironic “hang in there” tee-shirt: YOKO, are my mom and dad right that I need a practical degree from a good college?
YOKO APP: Oh no, you should follow your street art dreams. You’ll always have your grandfather’s basement to live in.

Bob Smith-Smith: Finally, you can make sure the voice of experience and reason are always with you, to give you the right direction for your life.

Mystery Solved: Nothing Depends on a Red Wheelbarrow

Editor’s note: As part of Coma News’ community outreach, the following blog excerpt is one of a selection of local online postings we will re-publish by residents and business owners.

Mystery Solved: Nothing Depends on a Red Wheelbarrow
By Marybell Davis, 25 years old, Amazing life lived, Awesome blogger of Awesome things

Daddy Warbucks: “Marybell have you made any money yet?”
Me: “No way Daddy but I solved another Internet mystery and this one is not about an ex-boyfriend. It’s about poetry”
Daddy Warbucks: “College degree! $200,000! Marybell! Blah blah!”

So I went to this poetry reading. BOR-ing. but then I was surprised because some of the poetry was actually short and they had a lot of wine. Good!

One guy I like a lot was William Carlos Williams because his stuff is shorter than tweeting. Sort of like the first tweeter in history.

So much depends...LOL. LOL.

So much depends…LOL. LOL.

Sadie Cracker made me go to the poetry thing because she said I need to get out and meet real people and not just “stalk people” on the Internet. So I went and was not surprised to find most of the poetry was horrible.

Stan Bargemeyer read something about his knee socks and then my ex-boyfriend Jax got up and said we should all stop reading poetry and get out to the forest. Everyone cheered when he left.

Then Sadie got up and read about a red wheelbarrow. And she read it like she meant it and it was shorter than something I tweeted about my eyeshadow earlier in the day. “So much depends on a red wheelbarrow” she said.
I started laughing so hard I spilled the wine all over my white dress. “No it doesn’t.” I said so loud and everyone stared at me and started clapping.

When we left right after that I explained to her that “nothing depends on a red wheelbarrow anymore because we have cars and ride on lawnmowers and tractors.”

I don’t think she got it.

Buy My Screenplay: Matt Damon Returns In “The Pretty Good Wall”

pretty good wall

This advertorial does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily.

ADVERTORIAL

My Amazing Screenplay

I’m Dee Collins and all I do is sit around and pump out the most amazing screenplays of all time and then try to sell them through traditional classified advertising methods.  Read my ad below and contact me to buy my screenplay!

I’ve just completed my latest screenplay and it is really good! It’s called “The Pretty Good Wall” and it is a sequel to the mega-blockbuster film “The Great Wall” starring Matt Damon.

This movie has everything you want in a movie.  It has Matt Damon. It has a wall. It has EVERYTHING!

Below is a sample of one scene.  If you like it and would like to buy it, please let me know.

I’m offering it at a discount right now for only $400,000 but you better act fast because this deal won’t last. This is going to be a hot property because of the unprecedented success of “The Great Wall.”

LOG LINE

Matt Damon is back at it. After defending the Great Wall of China, Matt finds himself protecting a modest brick wall in the foothills of the Sahara Desert from evil, fire-breathing dragons. Featuring popular actor Jon Hamm and the voice of Academy Award winner Meryl Streep as “Beans the Dragon”, The Pretty Good Wall will raise the bar on movies about walls.

EXT. SAHARA DESERT- DAY

Matt Damon and popular actor Jon Hamm are standing behind a modest, ten-foot long wall in the middle of the desert. Both men look haggard and exhausted. Dirt and blood cover their faces. They stare off in the distance, spears and weapons clutched firmly in their hands.

               JON HAMM

          Man, I love walls.

               MATT DAMON

          Me too, Jon. Me too.

               JON HAMM

          But I HATE dragons, LOL!

Matt Damon laughs and slaps Jon Hamm on the back.

               MATT DAMON

          I was just thinking the same thing. That’s funny Jon. Very funny.

The two men continue to stare off in the distance, scanning the vacant horizon. Jon moves his spear from one hand to the other and shakes out his free hand.

               JON HAMM

          My hand keeps cramping up.

               MATT DAMON

          Yeah. I hate that.

               (beat)

          Man, I love this wall. I mean, I love ALL walls. They are just like the best things in the world. But this one…this one is really awesome.

               JON HAMM

          I’m surprised you haven’t tried to hump it yet, LOL!

Matt Damon bursts into hysterical laughter.

               MATT DAMON

          The day is still young, Jon Hamm! The day is still young!

The two men go silent again and return their gaze to the horizon. Jon Hamm steps forward. His eyes narrow.

              JON HAMM

          Is that a dragon?

Jon Hamm points to somewhere far off in the distance. Matt Damon steps forward and studies the area for a moment.

               MATT DAMON

          No. I think it’s a kite.

Jon Hamm walks forward, his eyes still locked on the horizon.

               JON HAMM

          Oh. Yeah. I think you’re right.

               (beat)

          Fucking kites, man. I mean…what’s the point?

Matt Damon laughs heartily and slaps Jon Hamm on the back.

               MATT DAMON

          So true, Jon Hamm. That is spot on. I was thinking the same thing. That’s definitely laugh-out-loud funny!

The two men continue to stare off in the distance.

——————————————

That’s all you get for now! Remember, The Great Wall is a gigantic, international blockbuster! People will want a sequel. This is that sequel!  Anyhow, contact me!  Let’s make movies!

Contact Dee Collins at townofcoma@hotmail.com

Mayor Dave Anderson’s Proclaimation About Giving Up The Past

MAYORAL PROCLAMATION
forgivenrdd

WHEREAS,

In 1862 Coma’s entire chicken population was evenly divided and trained to fight for each side of the Civil War, sent off with great fanfare and never heard from again

WHEREAS,

In 1920 an unknown number and variety of land mines were buried in and about the town of Coma and none whatsoever were removed

WHEREAS,

In 1972 the Great Hippy Riots reduced the entirety of South Coma and its Hemp Garment District to a smoldering ash heap, which it remains to this day

WHEREAS,

The past is largely painful and full of things we don’t want to remember; and

WHEREAS,

The internet now allows us to change everything about our past for a more hopeful future

WHEREAS,

A new focus solely on the limitless possibilities and good intentions of the future is now possible through internet chat

WHEREAS,

There is no more reason to look at all the things that have happened and rather focus on what could be

NOW, THEREFORE, DO I,

Dave Anderson

Mayor of the Town of Coma, proclaim

May as the month we ban all things that are in the past from being spoken about unless using Morse Code or Telegram.

Mystery Solved: How I can LOOK artistic.

By Marybell Davis, 25 years old, Amazing Life Lived!, Private Dick (which is so gross)

Daddy Warbucks: Marybell, I understand it’s been 4 years and you’re not going to do anything with your college degree but at least you could clean up this pile of crayons drawings and used coffee mugs.
Marybell: Daddy, I haven’t eaten in two weeksw but I understand coffee and art, like the kind made by people with tattoo sleeves, old woman colored gray  hair, and nose piercings.

nancydrewcigarette

Daddy Warbucks doesn’t understand art or nose piercings or making your 25 year old hair a mom grey color,  but that doesn’t matter because I found a man who appreciates art and the fact that I wear all black and look cool and indignant! (He doesn’t have a job right now but he’s working on it)

Creative people are weird and unattractive. And recently I was wondering how can I look more creative because creative people seem to have a lot of fun if they aren’t killing themselves at a young age. But then there’s the reality that creative people are unattractive.
But people who just look creative and aren’t original can be attractive. They just can’t be competent.

Flannery O'Connor...LOL..she wears glasses and wrote stuff...LOL...

Flannery O’Connor. She’s not that attractive but does have the gray hair that’s so attractive on women now!

Don’t get me wrong, I love nose rings, sleeve tats, gray hair on young women and skinny leather pants. I just don’t expect someone with any of those things to provide me a modicum of decent service when I need coffee or some food to eat–even those people are usually working service jobs.

When I need fast service, a decent drink, a hair cut that doesn’t make me want to kill myself or clean food I find plain ugly people. It’s almost like they can’t afford to be incompetent. Or lazy. Or superior and disengaged.

Wait. Aren’t most successful artists and writers plain and boring people? Eudora Whelty, gross. Sylvia Plath, attractive but head in the oven. It’s too bad because if no one can see how cool your inner artist is on the outside does it even exist?

Mystery solved: Artists need to LOOK artistic.

Daddy Warbucks: Can’t you just make your bed today Marybell.

Marybell: No Daddy. I just solved a mystery and now I need to spend hours at a tattoo parlor to get the just right artistic tattoo sleeve.

Of Beginnings and Middles and Granny Panties

“And all the colors I am inside have not been invented yet.”
Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends
When Robert arrived to watch the kids while I ran to Bob’s Mart grocery store I was trailing Jimmy’s bike like a frantic monkey trainer. Except this trainer wasn’t going to let Jimmy fall. Every time he even wobbled I was there to right him.”What are you doing?” Robert said. “Let him fall.”
But Jimmy could get a broken arm or a concussion. Even paralysis was a possibility.

This book is important because we need people to explain to us how to let go because it's hard to figure out.

This book is important because we need people to explain to us how to let go because it’s hard to figure out.

“But he won’t,” Robert said. “Let him fail a little. Your mom did.”
In fact, my mom let me fail all over town as I was free to ride my bike alone throughout Coma–something that seems lost to the dustbin of history.
 Robert promised to protect Jimmy so steered my hip hop-blasting hooptie ride toward the store.
I pulled in to Bob’s  Mart beside a Dodge Dart, which was full of teen boys staring open-mouthed at the hooptie Suburban blasting “Gangsta Paradise.”
As I walked past I could hear the boys laughing. When I turned around to look and realized my sun dress was caught in the back seam of my granny panties I did what any gangster mom would do and flashed them the international mom sign of “shhh.
Back at the farmhouse Robert sat on the porch with Johnny (7 years old)  reading Shel Silverstein’s “Where the Sidewalk Ends.”
“Where’s Jimmy?” I asked.
“I let him go.” said Robert.
“You did what?!”I was running back to my car as he yelled “you should let him–“
Robert was drowned out by Gangsta Paradise and my realization that I hate Shel Silverstien because no sidewalk should end. Ever.
I tore down the country road and rounded the corner before slamming the brakes to keep from T-boning a cow in the middle of the road. I jumped out of the gansta mobile trying to figure out how to move a cow when I saw Jimmy coming down the hill on his bike. And he’s fine.
 “Hey mom. ‘I’ll race you home.”
 And passes me and he’s gone, rounding the corner and heading back toward our house.
And I am standing here alone.
Standing in front of the cow and I realize my sundress has once again tucked in to my granny panties.
“There are no happy endings.
Endings are the saddest part,
So just give me a happy middle
And a very happy start.”
where-the-sidewalk-ends

Artifacts Illiteracy & You

Coma Illiteracy 04 25 16

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

[FreecycleComa] Offer: child’s juice boxes opened

My child won’t drink this. Picture below. Must take all. Porch pick up.

 

beatlejuice

[FreecycleComa] Wanted: mesh laundry bag

Looking for a mesh or cloth bag that can easily be folded and put in a suitcase that can carry some animal skins. Moving out of the country. Thanks so much. Will pick up within 50 mile radius.

email: townofcoma (at) gmail.com

ariel 2

[FreecycleComa] OFFER: Some Organ

Wurlitzer home organ circa 1960’s. Not working. Has no keys. Pedals are in good condition. Speaker fabric is ripped. Email with date and time for pick up.

townofcoma (at) gmail.com

tAnWagX

This organ is not my organ because my organ is working but gives you some idea of what my organ might be restored to if you have a lot time and meticulous attention to detail. Also, this organ has keys and mine does not. You would need to know how to play it in order to really utilize it once you spend the time to fix it.

 

Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) gmail.com .
_________________________________________________________________________
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]
– RECEIVED: stapler [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.