By Thomas Steven John, future reporter, Coma News
A rash of damage to automobiles will sweep Coma parking lots Saturday, Coma News has learned through this reporter’s peyote-fueled fever dreams.
The bumps, scraps and dings on at least five cars parked across Coma will all occur while the owner is away from their vehicle. Although the vehicular impacts will produce blistering tirades, they will not result in injuries.
Drivers informed of the impending collisions were generally disbelieving.
“That better not goddamn happen ’cause this is a brand new paint job,” Jax Owen said, about his 1983 vintage Trans Am. “And if it does happen, now I know who to go searching for.”
This is not Jax Owen’s Trans Am. This is a Trans Am available on ebay. Bids starting at $3.00.
The cost of the auto body damage was expected to range from $12 to more than $1,500. Fortunately, at least one damaged vehicle was under a GM recall, due to its high likelihood of turning into a deadly fireball.
Only one of the five “ass clowns” inflicting the damage will leave a note. But that note will only say “LOL! Sorry!” and not provide any contact or insurance information.
The cost in sanity was expected to be much higher.
“You know, I used to care about stuff like my car’s appearance, but with the way stuff’s been rolling down lately–screw it,” said Robert McGuiness. “You have any of that peyote on you?”
Robert McGuiness no longer cares about what happens to his car but when he did he tricked it out.
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