Bob’s Haunted Mart Wins State

By Coma News Staff

What does it take to be the best?

Try drone-mounted chainsaws and randomly exploding pumpkins.

Those kinds of local touches were credited by Coma’s Bob Smith-Smith for helping him this week to win the Bleeding Corn Husk, a statewide prize given to the most overall terrifying “scare experience” during the recently concluded Halloween season.

koolaid

Bob’s Haunted Mart re-purposed the empty commercial space that previously housed the Faber grocery store into a store haunted by ghosts of shoppers past.

“This wouldn’t have been possible without a really great competitor to my own business, Bob’s Organic, going out of business after 63 years, so let me first thank the Faber family for failing,” Smith-Smith said.

cowloversparking

The exploding pumpkins of Haunted Mart were found among the thrills of the “venal veggies” section. Also included were dreadlocked vegans hurling bloody arugula while screeching at the visiting “flesh eaters.”

“This experience allowed me to work through a lot of issues,” said Micah Horncraft, a local vegan and scream associate. “I’m looking for another rage outlet for the Christmas season.”

Additional thrills were provided by the lactose incontinent, who hosed visitors down stores aisles with an “organic milk canon.”

The gluten-free goblins snared visitors in nearly impenetrable webs of sticky, tasteless paste, which they insisted on calling “bread.”

Smith-Smith provided chills and spills of his own as Spazzo the Clown, who threatened to disembodied any child unable to name the FDA-recommended daily portions for a given food group.

“We realized that instead of just being something that we put in our bodies to stay alive, food could be a source of true terror,” Smith-Smith said.

But the Haunted Mart would not have been possible without an amazing staff, Smith-Smith said. That included members of local foodie clubs, food justice advocates, and the Coma Sustainable Agriculture Working Group.

“No one’s going to think of food as anything other than a weapon or tool for terror after the wonderful work of these folks,” Smith-Smith said. “Happy Halloween.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>