57 to Win ‘Running Of The Candidates’

By Thomas Steven John, Future New Reporter
Fifty-seven Coma residents will outrace the unusually large slate of mayoral and Town Council candidates during Saturday’s annual Running of the Candidates.
The results of the Coma tradition, which unleashes political candidates to chase gathered residents through five blocks downtown, came to this reporter through a peyote-fueled fever dream. Those who win by avoiding tagging with political stickers will get a free pot pie dinner at Dachshund’s Dinner.
One candidate asked about the impending run results focused on the 537 residents that the pursuing politicians will succeed in catching.
“It’s the only reliable way to separate the wheat from the chaff in this town,” said Jax Owen, a first-time Council candidate on the Organizing for Hugs ticket, who will catch 98 residents–all women.

Other candidates emphasized the event’s expected health benefits.
“There is nothing as good for you as a brisk run–except maybe laughter,” said Councilman Bob Smith-Smith, who will chase fellow residents while wearing his clown costume.
Seventeen residents will be treated for cuts and bruises, as well as one “near-goring” when a campaign sign pole is used to attach campaign stickers to fleeing residents.
“The Party Pole has never hurt anyone and efforts to stifle its role in this election are offensive,” Council member Natalie Peters, a member of the Party for People Too Poor to Party, said when told of the pole – related injury.
Mayor Dave Anderson urged both calm and excitement in the run up to the race.
“As long as a horde damn bicyclists from the city don’t blow through here and run everyone down, we’ll be fine,” Anderson said.

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