Archive for: February 2017

Hey Girl, Jax Owen Knows How You Want To Be Made Love to this Valentine’s Day

By Coma Resident and Business Owner, Jax Owen

It’s Valentine’s Day again. You should spend it with me, Jax Owen. Yes, THAT Jax Owen. I own and operate the used car lot in town.

We could have fun hanging out at my place. You could bring over some groceries and make me supper. What’s that baby? You’ve been on your feet all day? No worries, I have some Therafit Women’s Slip-On casual shoes (size 7) for you to wear. It’ll be like walking on clouds while you work in the kitchen.

You’re welcome baby. I’m here for you. I will literally be in the next room watching season two of Ice Road Truckers the entire time.

jax 2

ABOVE: Jax Owen wants to spoil a girl this Valentine’s Day

Once supper is ready, you can set out the TV trays. The good TV trays. The Winsome 5 Piece Set from This is a special night after all. This is our night. And our night is all about you, buttercup.

After supper you can clean the kitchen and get after those dirty dishes. What did you say baby? You’re worried about your hands chaffing from all that dirty dish water?

Don’t worry, Ladybug. Jax has you covered. Slip on a pair of the Playtex Living Premium Protection Cleaning Gloves I picked up for you. It will be like you’re washing the dishes with clouds on your hands.

This night is all about you. You are my girl tonight. Maybe not last night and probably not tomorrow night. But tonight, you’re mine. And I’m going to spoil the hell out of you.

Baby, I’ve been so good to you. But Jax needs a little favor. Could you bring me two more Keystone beers for me and my brother Randy? We’re just sitting here on the couch, watching Ice Road Truckers and drinking some Keystone. But I’m here for YOU. I just don’t want to get up right now because I just ate dinner and the show is getting really good.

I’m sorry for not telling you Randy was coming over. It was kind of a last-minute thing. But he’s been feeling down because both his dogs have worms and he’s been spending a shit-ton of cash on worm medicine. But he really enjoyed the dinner you made. He said you were a “good” cook.

Hey girl. Looks like you’re done with those dishes. You’re so sexy when you look exhausted. But now it’s my turn to spoil you.

Let’s escape to my bedroom during the next commercial break. And don’t worry. I told Randy to turn up the volume on the TV real loud. He won’t be able to hear a thing. Now, turn around.

Oh baby. That was so much fun. And we didn’t even miss any of the show.

It’s getting late though. Remember I told you I have that thing tomorrow morning? I have to be up real early. I think Randy and I are just going to finish up this Ice Road Trucker marathon and then hit the sack.

But don’t you worry. Jax didn’t forget about you. You know that box of original-flavor Slim Jim meat sticks on the counter in the kitchen? I want you to grab a handful on your way out. Take as many as you like. I mean, don’t take the whole box. But, a half dozen or so would be cool. I buy them in bulk.

I like you girl. I’m so happy you chose to spend your Valentine’s Day with Jax Owen. I enjoyed doing romance on you. And I enjoyed the love making too. Happy Valentine’s Day girl.




Mayor Shows Off Newly Discovered Excel Skills

by Coma News Staff

Mayor Dave Anderson announced this week he has recently “taken up” Microsoft Excel and vowed to use the popular software program to improve press conferences, share important data and to generally “add more cool technology” to the town’s government.

Anderson, who included several large-print graphs and pie charts during his announcement, said he stumbled upon Excel by accident while trying to open the YouTube link on his desktop.

“The little icon had always been there,” Anderson said. “But I assumed it was a program only accountants or scientists used. Not mayors. It’s so cool.”

ABOVE: Anderson shares a graph he recently made after discovering Microsoft Excel by accident. “It’s so cool,” the mayor told reporters.

The mayor started “playing around” with the program and quickly discovered a number of interesting features and useful purposes he believes can help city government be more “big time.”

Anderson shared several of his projects at the press conference, including his very first Excel project; a smiley face made by filling cells with different colors.

“It’s not only a great tool for making graphs,” Anderson said. “You can also use it for art. It’s so cool.”

Excel star wars

ABOVE: Anderson’s pie chart revealing his favorite Star Wars characters by percentage points

According to his critics, Anderson’s announcement lacked real substance and once again demonstrated the three-term mayor’s ability to divert attention from real issues.

“They were rudimentary at best,” former council member Bob Smith-Smith said of the mayor’s charts. “He clearly has a tenuous grasp on analytics, data and statistics. One graph was dedicate to the types of graphs he had made so far. What purpose does that serve?”

Anderson said he felt “re-energized” by the software tool and he looked forward to using it daily to help run the government more efficiently.

The mayor shared several charts, including a pie chart that showed his favorite Star Wars characters and one showing the types of coffee he enjoys drinking (dark roast).

“I fail to see the relevance in explaining to the press your favorite Star Wars character,” Smith-Smith said. “And, ‘Yoga?’ I mean, was that a typo or does he actually think there is a Star Wars character named Yoga?”

Anderson cut the press conference short and said he wanted to continue to explore the “cool” program further.

“There are dozens of things you can use it for,” Anderson said. “You can make lists. You can do other stuff. I think we’re just scratching the surface. It’s so cool.”


Local Artist Unveils Latest Series of Sports Paintings

by Coma News Staff

Expressing a desire to capture the “essence” of America’s greatest moments in sports, local artist Dee Collins unveiled her latest series of sports paintings this week. The collection, titled “Believe in the Unbelievable”, represents Collins’ third installment in the series.

“There are unforgettable moments in sports,” Collins said. “We remember exactly where we were when these events happened. I wanted to capture those moments for an eternity.”

sports drawings edelman

ABOVE: Collilns’ painting “The Catch Everyone Keeps Talking About” highlights the now-famous catch by New England Patriots wide receiver Julian Edelman at Super Bowl LI

The latest series consists of three paintings, including one titled “The Catch Everyone Keeps Talking About” featuring New England Patriots’ wide receiver Julian Edelman making what some called one of the greatest catches in Super Bowl history just last weekend.

Collins will have the paintings on display at her studio in Coma and reminded reporters that her work is for sale. Although she wouldn’t give specific details regarding cost, Collins said, she won’t consider anything less than five figures.

“You will not find paintings like these anywhere else in the world,” Collins said. “Literally. By definition a painting is unique. I’m willing to consider a discount if you bundle your purchase.”

sports drawings jordan

ABOVE: Collins’ painting titled “Bald Man Jumps with Basketball to Score” features Michael Jordan’s iconic 1988 slam dunk

The latest series also includes a painting of NBA legend Michael Jordan performing his signature slam dunk during the 1988 dunk contest and a painting of the most decorated athlete in Olympic history, Michael Phelps, competing at the 2012 Olympic games.

Collins, a prolific author, screenwriter and artist, said she has a passion for sports and that her work represents moments she remembered or learned about when doing an online search for “memorable sports moments.”

“I am a sports fan, for sure,” Collins said. “I like the New York Patriots and basketball teams and…golf balling is fun too.”

Collins said she expects this series of paintings to sell quickly, mostly because of the timing and the fact that so many people are still talking about the historic comeback and finish at last weekend’s Super Bowl in Houston.

sports drawings phelps

ABOVE: Collins’ “Swimmer In the Pool” captures one of Michael Phelps most famous swims during the 2012 Summer Olympics

“Do you have fifteen thousand dollars and want to remember the incredible catch by Julius Edelen?” Collins posted on her website this week. “Then come down to Dee Collins studio and buy an original painting by Dee Collins.”

Collins said the paintings will remain on display until the end of the month or until they are sold out.


Has Local Teen Discovered World’s First Map?

Local teen Chase Donovan announced this week the discovery of what he called the world’s first map.

Donavan shared the map at a press conference on Monday and said it includes ancient trade routes and a “lost continent.” The map, which measures 8.5” x 11,” resembled a standard printed sheet of copy paper.

“This looks really old,” Donovan said while holding it up for reporters. “I mean, just look at the drawing and how it’s kind of yellowish. It could be hundreds of thousands of years old.”

Critics moved quickly to point out several flaws in Donovan’s hypothesis.

“It is clearly a copy of a map that was printed from some stock photography website,” map critic Micah Horncraft said. “It includes the watermark ‘Deposit Photos’ all over it. Like why is anyone even listening to this kid?”

chase map 1

ABOVE: Donovan shows the map he claims is the world’s first.

Donovan has stood firm on his claim that the map is likely the first ever to be created. He noted how old the image looked and how the image “just looked really old.” He defended the map from its many detractors.

“They say it can’t be legit because it has the words “deposit photos” all over it,” Donovan explained. “But, how do we know deposit photos isn’t the name of some really old company that made maps? Try thinking outside the box, you know?”

Donovan said he was hoping to “get some science done” on the map to confirm conclusively, one way or the other, the actual age of the map. Donovan stated he found the map folded up near a trash can outside the school cafeteria last week.

The 17-year-old junior said he is going to start a website about the map and plans on selling it to a museum for “several million bucks, at least.”

“It would be cool to sell it to someone at a rate of like, one dollar for every year of how old it is,” Donovan said. “How many millions of dollars could that be? One hundred? More? Nobody knows.”

Critics like Horncraft said the entire ordeal is a waste of time and energy.

“I just can’t believe that someone is interviewing me about what is clearly not an old map and something that was probably printed last Wednesday and discarded by someone running late for class,” Horncraft said. “How is nobody else seeing this?”

Donovan said he is allowing local scientists to review the document this week to make a determination.


The Future Minute

By Micah Horncraft, Director of Coma Futurist Society

Every week, Micah Horncraft, Director of the Coma Futurist Society and renowned futurist will answer questions regarding future trends and the impact the future will have on society. See this week’s questions and answers below.

Q: I’m fascinated by business card technology. Is it feasible to think that in a hundred years, business cards could be slightly larger? 

A: I don’t know. It’s possible.

Q: Will humans still be placing cucumbers on the floor to freak out their cats in the future?

A: As long as farming continues to be a viable industry and cats continue to be domesticated, there is no reason to think this trend will stop anytime in the future.

Q: I’ve always wondered why we didn’t just make years longer and that way, we can live for longer. Like, if a years was 50 months, think how much more time you’d live if you lived to 80 years old? That’s like four times more living. Do you think something like that is possible in the future?

A: Maybe.

When Should You Seek Treatment After Being Impaled?

By Coma Physician Dr. Jimmy

Recently, a local man was impaled by a shovel and refused to seek immediate medical attention. After speaking at length with him and with many others in the days following the ordeal, I’ve come to realize that most people don’t realize how serious impalement injuries can be.

From my own unscientific poll of neighbors and friends, I found that most would not consider being impaled a “serious injury.” As a medical professional, this was a startling revelation.

Sure, some impaling injuries are less serious than others. And sure, sometimes you get impaled and can probably just brush it off, pull it out and move on with your day. But, many times that is not the case and you should seek immediate medical attention.

As a service to the community, I’ve put together an impaling “cheat sheet” to help identify the degrees of impalement injuries and determine when you should go to a doctor.

Impalement guide

ABOVE: Dr. Jimmy’s guide to impaling injuries is designed to take the guess work out of determining when to seek medical attention

Of course, this chart is not comprehensive. It would be impossible to include every item you could potentially be impaled with. It does represent what I believe are likely the most common objects one could be impaled with, along with representative object (wicker chair, for example, could apply to any type of furniture).

So how do you use this guide? It’s pretty simple. First, let’s say you’ve been impaled by something. You’ll want to identify the object and then refer to the guide above. If you can’t find the exact object, try to find the object that is most similar to the one that is buried deep in your flesh. Next, using the color scale, determine whether “it’s cool” or whether you should “seek immediate attention.”

Should you find yourself somewhere in the middle, my advice is to do a quick Google search and go from there.

I am hopeful that this tool can help you and our community be better prepared for impalement injuries. Be safe and be diligent! When in doubt refer to this simple-to-use chart. Godspeed.



Local Man Not Sure Being Impaled by Shovel Qualifies for Doctor Visit

by Coma News Staff

A local man who was impaled by a shovel told neighbors and friends he was holding off on seeking medical attention because he wasn’t certain the injury was “bad enough” to see a doctor.

The accident occurred on Saturday afternoon as Stan Bargmeyer was “rummaging” through his garage. Bargmeyer said he’s not sure how the accident happened. The widower was looking through an old box of model railroad train cars and next thing he knew, a shovel handle was protruding through his chest.

“It’s just one of those freak accidents that happen,” Bargmeyer said. “I just kind of shook my head, thought ‘not again’ and then passed out for an unknown length of time.”

stan impaled 2

ABOVE: Coma resident Stan Bargmeyer was impaled by a shovel last Saturday but is not sure the injury is significant enough to seek medical attention

Bargmeyer was found by neighbors late Saturday afternoon. Upon regaining consciousness, Bargmeyer refused to call 911 and told friends the injury “wasn’t too bad as far as impalings go.”

“I just never know when you’re supposed to go see a doctor,” Bargmeyer said. “I’m definitely in discomfort but…I can still prepare food and use the toilet. So, what constitutes a trip to a doctor?”

According to town physician, Dr. Jimmy, anyone suffering from an impaling should seek immediate medical attention, particularly when the object is as large as a shovel.

“People underestimate impalings,” Dr. Jimmy said. “But they can be very serious injuries. I would rank them right behind being submerged in a corrosive substance and right ahead of being attacked by medium-sized mammals. So, pretty serious stuff.”

Bargmeyer said he was impaled previously nearly 20 years ago by a pike while visiting a early middle-age military museum.

“That one was weird because they were talking about how pikes were used to impale enemy soldiers and not ten minutes later, I found myself on the business-end of one,” Bargmeyer said. “But they took me directly to the hospital, which was nice, because it eliminated the guess work on my part.”

Bargmeyer noted that the bleeding had mostly stopped and while it has limited his ability to shower or lay down in bed, he has been able to manage in most aspects of his daily routine.

“I’m getting by,” Bargmeyer said. “It would just be nice to know, without a doubt, if I should seek medical attention on this one.”