Archive for: October 2016

Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games- Week 5

Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games Week 5

Last Week- 2 – 2

Season- 5 – 7

I’m Jabba The Hutt.  You may know me best for my appearance in several Star Wars Movies films.  But my friends know me as basically a chilled-out dude who enjoys spending a Sunday in the Fall watching football and eating deep fried calamari.

I have received a lot of emails this week from readers who expressed empathy regarding my traumatic experience in the Chili’s restroom a couple weeks ago.  Apparently I’m not the only person who has found himself in such a predicament.  One reader told me of a website/petition designed to bring attention to this matter and force Chili’s to double the size of their restrooms.  If you’re interested in supporting this worthwhile effort, please visit

“What?! Jabba The Hutt is an activist who cares about his community so much he took the time to paste a link into his weekly column?” Yes, he did.  I’m not all about illegal and illicit activities.  I’m just a completely normal dude who is as comfortable eating Kit Kat candy bars and watching “Dancing With The Stars” as he is drinking a Fanta soda and eating nachos while eating Spaghetti Carbonara.  Get over it.

Here are your sure-fire picks of the week…

Chicago Bears at Indianapolis Colts

Neither team is off to the start they were hoping for but you get a good quarterback playing at home against a porous defense, you know I’m going to jump all over that action.  Andrew Luck is going to throw for 300+ yards and three touchdowns as the Colts roll against what may arguably be the worst team in the NFL this season.


I had some guests over to watch the NFL football games at my palace last week.  I felt a little unprepared to host company but still wanted to do the right thing and provide refreshments for my guests.  I set out a plate of Oreo cookies.  Okay, no problem there.  But, for some reason that I can’t explain, when a guest commented on the cookies, I told him they were homemade.  Soon, everyone at the party was raving about my homemade Oreo cookies.  I felt kind of bad about it.  Now, everyone wants the recipe.  If you have a good recipe for homemade Oreo cookies, please send it to me.

New England Patriots at Cleveland Browns

The Patriots managed to survive the Brady-less start to the season by compiling a 3 – 1 record.  And now, one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL returns.  On the road.  In Cleveland.  With a chip on his shoulder. Brady will play the rest of the season like he has something to prove.  I pity the Browns this week.


Also during last week’s viewing party at my palace, a guest approached me during the afternoon games and told me they had a headache.  I retrieved some Ibuprofen and gave them a couple.  I told them to take them to relieve the headache.  They asked me if it would work.  For some unexplained reason I told them “they should work, I made that batch myself.” Sure enough, by the end of the day, everyone at the party was asking about my homemade Ibuprofen.  I’m not sure why I felt a compulsion to lie about this.  Again, if you happen to have an old family recipe lying around for Ibuprofen, please send it my way.

Atlanta Falcons at Denver Broncos

The league’s hottest offense faces the league’s toughest defense.  As much as people enjoy high-flying offense and think it is somehow the key to winning, the defending Super Bowl champions know otherwise.  Defense trumps offense almost every time.  This will be no different.  Denver’s offense might not be much to write about, but their high-pressure defense will give Matt Ryan fits all day as Denver moves to 5 – 0.


I’m not sure why I sometimes feel the need to lie to people about my accomplishments.  My therapist says it’s a result of an overwhelming need to be liked and impress people.  “What’s that?! Jabba The Hutt has insecurities about being liked? But I thought he was just a large, blob-like creature who fed his enemies to his pet sarlacc at the Great Pit of Carkoon?” Wrong! Well, technically, that last part is correct.  But most of the time, I’m just this fun, spontaneous, normal guy who likes trying on gloves at the mall or getting Slurpees on a hot summer day and hanging at Radio Shack for an afternoon.

But the worst part about last week’s NFL viewing party came during the Sunday night game.  Several guests commented on the quality of my giant 90″ HD TV and how they didn’t recall seeing such a clear, vivid image before.  For some reason that I still don’t understand, I mentioned that I made the TV myself.  From scratch.  From some odds and ends lying around my palace.  It’s all people could talk about the rest of the evening.  How impressed they were at Jabba’s homemade HD TV.  A few of them asked me if I could make one for them.  So, if you have instructions on how to make a 90″ HD TV from scrap material that might be found at a large palace, please email to me.

And now for my final pick of the week…

San Diego Chargers at Oakland Raiders

Don’t look now but the Oakland Raiders appear to be serious playoff contenders.  Not that this is a big surprise as many experts picked the Raiders as a team to watch this season.  Their young core of players on both sides of the ball are living up to expectations.  San Diego continues to find ways to lose.  This game will not be any different.  The home team wins and the Raiders will find themselves at 4 – 1 after five weeks.




Scary Clown Sweep Accidentally Nets Local Hipsters

By Coma News Daily staff

Efforts to curtail the growing threat of scary clowns in Coma have resulted in the imprisoning of several smug, dyed-hair hipsters, the Coma Sheriff’s  Office acknowledged.

“Our ‘See something, say something’ paranoia campaigns appear to have spawned widespread panic about every
blue-, gray-, and orange-hair freak out there,” Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib said. “Unfortunately, it turns out a lot of those freaks are hipsters.”

Like many communities, Coma has been gripped in recent weeks by a scary clown terror, during which 75 sightings were reported just last week.


“Approximately 100 percent of the people arrested on suspicion of scary clowning, which isn’t actually a crime, were in fact just hipsters,” Frostnib said. “The good news is that our clown-related rate of violent crime remains at its historic rate of zero.”

The sheriff’s efforts to downplay the angry clown threat rubbed some residents the wrong way.

“Has Frostnib never see the Steven King movie ‘It’? I never thought I’d see the day when these nightmare clowns would strike our town,” said Coma Mayor Dave Anderson, who is commonly referred to as “that clown mayor.”


Anderson urged residents to “keep those calls pouring in to the police. We can’t afford to let one of these bastards through.”

Meanwhile, Bob Smith-Smith, who occasionally performs as Spazzo the Clown, said the scary clown scare has placed all harlequins under suspicion.

“I have a hard time driving to the grocery store in costume, and forget about celebrating Get a Surprise Hug from a Clown Day,” Smith-Smith said.

Tailgating Tigers Celebrate Two Weeks Without Accident

By Coma News Daily Staff

The Tailgating Tigers, a Coma driving club, is feeling thankful these days.

Following a six month span during which members of the club were averaging three accidents each day, the group on Monday marked two weeks since the last fender bender.

“There’s no thrill quite like driving a couple millimeters behind the car in front of you as you rocket around the blind curves of our rural town,” said Robert McGuiness, the club’s president. “Still, the accidents can get a wee bit pricey. “

So why do the tailgaters risk life and limb? Concerns about tardiness are a popular draw.


“Those seconds or milliseconds I save driving this way really add up,” said Sadie Cracker. “After a couple years, we could be talking about an extra minute and a half outside the car–minus all the time exchanging insurance information.”

Some driving club members do it for others.

“It gets lonely out there on the daily commute and knowing someone else cares enough to drive on your bumper for miles and miles can forge real and meaningful connections in our disconnected society,” said Natalie Peters.

The club is very excited about its newest initiative urging members to try tailgating road bicyclists and deer.

“Bike- and deer-gating is actually a much more economical way to dip your toes in the hobby because the insurance costs for plowing into them are a fraction of the cost of hitting another vehicle,” McGuiness said. “Like the wee lad says, ride on you Coma cowboys.”