Archive for: September 2016

Jabba The Hutt Picks Football Games- Week 2

Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games Week 2

Last Week- 1 – 3

Season- 1 – 3

I’m Jabba The Hutt.  You may know me best for my appearance in several Star Wars Movies films.  But my friends know me as basically a chilled-out dude who enjoys spending a Sunday in the Fall watching football and eating chicken wings.

Last week was not kind to Jabba The Hutt.  For the record, I’m totally cool with people just calling me “Jabba”.  Adding “The Hutt” seems a big formal and even, dare I say, tedious? See? I really am just this totally chill, laid back dude.

So, it’s time for Jabba to get well this week.  Here are your sure-fire picks of the week…

Kansas City Chiefs at Houston Texans

Both teams looked pretty good at times last week.  I’m going with the home team in this one because I think the teams are evenly matched and if that’s the case, Jabba always goes with the home team.


Last Tuesday I had coffee with my friend Amanaman at this cozy, fun little coffee shop in the Modarian System.  “What?!! Jabba The Hutt has coffee with friends at cozy, fun little coffee shops???!!!” Yes, he does.  Because he is a low-key, down-to-earth kind of guy.  Just a regular dude who is just as comfortable snapping towels in the locker room as he is sipping craft beers on a yacht.  He’s not an ogre, douchebag.

New Orleans Saints at New York Giants

Two powerful offenses and two questionable defenses.  Jabba smells high-scoring affair! Although, that could just be Hermi Odle I smell.  Haha! Hoho! Jabba is kidding about that, but you know what I mean!

I think the Giants defense has improved and that will be enough to pull out the victory and go to 2 – 0.


Have I ever told you guys about my on-going legal dispute with Pizza Hut? I may not have time to go into it completely here, but…let’s just say it’s getting ugly.  For nearly 35 years I’ve been getting their mail and they have been getting mine.  I make one simple request for them to change their name and they refuse! I even gave them some cool suggestions.  Like, “Pizza Garage”, “Pizza Yurt”, “Pizza Industrial Complex” and many, many more.  They are a bunch of assholes.  But, I digress…

Dallas Cowboys at Washington Redskins

Both teams struggled last week.  I think the rookie Elliott goes for big yards on the ground, but it won’t be enough to beat an underwhelming, yet talented, Washington squad looking to make amends for their Monday night performance.


Of course Pizza Hut said I should have to change MY name! My LEGAL name.  I was born with that name.  They made their name up to sell a few pizzas.  And technically, they aren’t even a hut.  Most of their franchises are in strip malls or small, modular buildings.  Have these motherfuckers ever seen a hut? How about “Pizza Small, Non-Descript Building”? At least that’s more accurate.

Anyways, I have to go to court next week because we’re filing a new injunction.  “Oh, wait a second! Jabba The Hutt knows big fancy legal words like ‘injunction’?” Yes he does! Like why would that even be a surprise? I’ve got my shit together.  Jabba The Hutt is a cool, laid-back dude that has his shit together.  Alright, my last pick for the week…

Green Bay Packers at Minnesota Vikings 

Both teams survived close games against less-talented AFC South teams on the road last week. Vikings got a lot of help from their defense.  Aaron Rodgers doesn’t make a lot of mistakes.  Close game will come down to final play, but I like the road team in this one.



Artifacts: Domesticated Wolverine

Coma Wolverine 04 25 16

Artifacts: Dinosaurs

Coma Dinosaur 04 26 16

Mayor Forgets Where He Put Copy of Budget

The town of Coma’s planned budget review was derailed last night when Coma mayor Dave Anderson admitted to council members he had misplaced copies of the proposed annual budget.

Claiming he may have accidentally used it to sketch pictures of futuristic car designs during a recent meeting,  Anderson stopped short of offering a full-blown apology and suggested the budget review continue based on “odds and ends” he remembered from the nearly 400-page document.

“I like to sketch flying cars,” the mayor told the council during the three-hour meeting.  “If that makes me a bad person, then…I guess I’m a bad person.”

While several council members grilled the mayor repeatedly about the incident, Anderson deflected the criticism and focused instead on his conceptual drawings.

“I’m doing designs that are probably 20 to 30 years ahead of their time,” Anderson told a confused-looking council.  “I’m conceptualizing four-door sedans that can fly.  Nobody else is doing sketches like that. Last week I sketched a flying 1998 Kia Concord! People don’t have the balls to sketch the types of flying cars I do.  And all you guys care about is where the stupid budget went? Priorities much?”


ABOVE: Mayor Anderson’s conceptual drawing of 1998 Kia Concord

One council member, who wished to remain anonymous, expressed immense frustration at the irresponsible behavior of the town’s elected leader.  “He is betraying his fiduciary responsibilities in favor of child-like musings and poorly-crafted aircraft designs,” the council member said. “From strictly an engineering standpoint, most of those craft could not safely take flight or stay air-born for very long.  Maybe 20 seconds.  Maybe.”

Anderson told council members he recalled “pieces” from the proposed budget, including “a few hundo” for small equipment purchases by the parks department.  Ultimately, the budget review was postponed until next week to give Anderson time to find the budget.

“It’s probably buried somewhere in my ‘dream locker’, which is where I keep my sketches and drawings and predictions about stuff,” Anderson said.



Artifacts: Microwave for Sale

Coma Microwave for Sale 04 25 16

Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games- Week 1

Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games

By Jabba the Hutt, Guest Sports Editor, Coma News Daily

I’m Jabba The Hutt.  I am not Terry Bradshaw. You may know me best for my appearance in several Star Wars Movies films.  But my friends know me as basically a chilled-out dude who enjoys spending a Sunday in the fall watching football and eating chicken wings.

Over the years I’ve had some success at accurately picking winners.  Like, I’m really, really good at it.  So, I’ve decided to start sharing my predictions.  I’m grateful to the Town of Coma News for finding some value in offering this to their readers.

Here are my picks for week 1.

Carolina Panthers at Denver Broncos

I like the Panthers to get some revenge and put heavy pressure on the young Broncos’ signal caller.  Look for the Panthers to run it up late.


Before I go any further, I want to address something.  It is something that has been bothering me for some time now.  I initially submitted this recurring feature to more than 200 news outlets.  I thought for sure at least one of them would be like “OMG, YES! We want to be in the Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games Business.”

But none of them were interested.  They said they were shocked at how juxtaposed my writing was from the colorful character I displayed in the The Star Wars Motion Picture Films.

They wanted me to “ham it up” as it were like a Terry Bradshaw.  To be someone I’m not.  In real life, I’m not some flashy, fast-talking warlord.  I’m a pretty easy-going guy.  I’m even on Pinterest.  So, you know…I have a wide variety of interests.

Sorry.  I had to express myself.  Back to my picks…

Minnesota Vikings at Tennessee Titans

Minnesota is still reeling from the loss of their young franchise quarterback.  Sean Hill looks like a nice guy with great abs, but I’m going with the home team here who has their own young franchise quarterback.


I mean, and again, this is another aside…but, do people expect me to belch and burp all the time?  Am I supposed to make Rancor references or talk about how bad Gamorreans smell after a long day in the desert? (they do wear a ridiculous amount of clothing for such a warm climate)

Guess what? Jabba The Hutt is a regular dude.  He likes eating Doritos with his Mt. Few and…hitchhiking.  I carry around a switchblade like everyone else.  So why should my column be any different?  It’s hella frustrating.

Green Bay Packers at Jacksonville Jaguars

Jacksonville is going to the playoffs this season.  Write that one down.  Their march toward the playoffs begins with a win at home over the Green Bay Packers.  A much-improved defense is the difference this year for a young Jaguars team.


I think what people really want is genuine Jabba The Hutt.  Not phony Jabba The Hutt.

I understand that once people meet me in person they are a little taken aback by my tone and personality.  I always hear “you’re not at all what I expected.”

Well guess what? I’m just being myself.  All the time.  Sorry if my reality is too much for you to handle media.  I even buy lottery tickets! I mean, how much more normal can a guy be? And I grew a moustache for Movember last year.  “Oh, why would you do that? You’re Jabba The Hutt?


I wore pink for breast cancer awareness month because just like any other 2000 pound man I really believe boobs are special.

So, I’m sorry.  I feel like my prediction article is getting derailed.  But, come on.

Time for my final pick of the week…

New England Patriots at Arizona Cardinals

Some say this is a sneak peek at Super Bowl LI.  I say it just might be.  No Brady? No problem for the Patriots, who strike early and often to earn an impressive road win against one of the NFC’s top teams.



Failed Solar Panels to Serve as Picnic Tables

By Coma News Daily Staff

Significant savings and sustainability are the main reasons town leaders have decided to re-purpose the town’s $600,000 solar energy project into picnic tables.

The town’s finance director called the conversion of 601 tax-payer funded solar panels into picnic tables a “win-win.”

The panels, which were installed three years ago, were expected to reduce the town’s energy costs by $50,000 but actually cut energy spending by 57 cents last year.


“Instead of waiting for these things to pay off in 3,754 years, we decided they could provide critical picnic-related help right now,” said Mayor Dave Anderson.

The panels will be moved off the roofs of Town Hall, Coma schools, and town-operated port–potties and be placed in local parks and other picnicking locations. The re-installation is expected to be ready by next summer.

“If they up as soon as possible, we can start saving and picnicking as soon as possible,” Anderson said.

Anderson noted the trend of residents carrying around an ever-larger assortment of snacks, electronic equipment, and sanitary wipes has straining the sustainability of existing picnic tables around town. Recycling the solar panels will save the town “at least” $100 in replacement picnic tables.

You can't swim is this tasteful solar panel bikini but you can lay out and charge your iPhone so you can take selfies of yourself wearing it.

You can’t swim is this tasteful solar panel bikini but you can lay out and charge your iPhone so you can take selfies of yourself wearing it.

“We’re hopeful the savings will slightly lower budget cuts to rescue services and pothole repair while meeting picnicking needs and reducing our carbon footprint,” Anderson said.

The re-purposing will be partially funded by a state picnic table tax credit program.

Over the panels’ 25-year life span, picnic-related savings will be significant, Anderson said.

“Do you have any idea how many picnics are ruined ants?” Anderson said. “Not with these sustainable tables.”

Town officials will use the panels’ real-time Internet tracking tools to monitor their usage by picnics-goers, so they can react quickly to any problems.

“We need to ensure local skateboarders and other hoodlums don’t misuse these tables,” said Councilwoman Natalie Peters. “After all, it’s our solemn duty to safeguard the taxpayers’ investment.”

Artifacts: Prospector Head

Coma Prospector Head 04 28 16