Archive for: August 2016

Manhunt Underway for Bird-Giver

By Coma News Daily Staff

There’s a new animal threat in Coma but there’s no cage that can contain it.

The animal in question is the “bird” unleashed on unsuspecting residents by an unknown local teen driver.

“I was driving through town last week and this car starts honking its horn and flashing its lights and so I pulled over and let them pass,” said Stan Bargemeyer, a local senior citizen. “Then I see it’s this young lady and she’s giving me the you-know-what finger.”


At least four residents have reported that a young female driver in a yellow or tan, older sedan has similarly given them the vulgar gesture.

“I was walking my bulldog, George Foreman, when I heard a ‘honk’ and when I looked up all I saw was this angry face and that finger,” Marlee Baumgartner said.

The identity of the serial vulgarian was not known but Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib urged residents not to take matters into their own hands, if confronted.

“This person is capable of literally anything, I think she’s shown that, so extreme caution is warranted,” Frostnib said.

Meanwhile, some residents are worried what impact the crime spree will have on home values in the once-peaceful town.

“My friend was visiting and that finger waving was the first thing she saw,” said Natalie Peters. “That’s not the kind of greeting she was expecting from my stories about small town life. Someone needs to stop this monster.”

Mayor Dave Anderson was asked what steps the Coma Town Council might take to stop this offender. “We are considering multiple ideas on how to mitigate future bird attacks including driver restraints.” He said.  When asked if he meant “restraint” Mayor Anderson replied, “Restraints. Like the ones they use at the Coma Mental Hospital and Yoga Studio.”

Artifacts Easter Egg Hunt

COMA Easter Egg Hunt 07 18 16

‘Sustainable’ Shoppers Missing, Assumed Overseas

By Coma News Daily Staff

Brother, can you spare some arugula?

It turns out that sellers of arugula–and many other craft premium organic products–can spare lots this month. Owners of stores selling such pricey food, as well as the local Porsche Bicycle dealership, Beyonce’s Canine Boutique, and The Bloody Good Diamond jewelry emporium say their customers have mysteriously gone missing.

And some suspect aliens.


No worries, Mayor Dave Anderson said.

“I’m pretty sure our friends and neighbors have just left for Turks and Caicos,  Brazilian rainforest resorts or the French Riviera,” Anderson said. “I’m sure they’ll be back when their vacations are done in the next four weeks or so.”

In the meantime, some businesses are taking desperate measures.

Bob Smith-Smith, owner of Bob’s Organic, said during August he will once again sell domestic beer, tobacco, mac and cheese and leisure wear, among other staples of “the non-sustainables,” as he calls blue collar residents in town.

Businesses focused on blue collar residents, such as Dollar Damsel and Bear’s Biker Bar, have had solid sales this month, their owners report.

“Fat chance any of my regulars got cash for a vacation–unless you count getting washed 20 miles down the Coma River after passing out on an inner tube,” said Bear.

Artifacts Kickball Game

COMA Kickball Game 07 18 16


The following is a paid advertisement and does not necessarily represent the views of Coma News Daily.


Peaceful Puppeteers

6 p.m. – 10 p.m. meets tonight.  We are a group of peaceful puppeteers committed to non-invasive puppeteering (we do not insert our hands inside the puppet but let the puppet express itself naturally).  We do not speak on behalf of the puppet.  Peaceful puppeteers are committed to a peer relationship with a puppet in which no one  is in control. Puppet and puppeteer are at peace with one another.  If this interests you, please join us!  Meetings held in my garage twice a month depending on the puppets availability.  Contact Mayor Dave Anderson for details.


Keep in mind that we let the puppets work at their own pace. They need the time and space to feel comfortable with expressing themselves.  Please come with an open mind and a commitment to a puppet-person peer relationship.


This should never happen between you and your puppet. The entire reason for peaceful puppeteering keeps moments like this from occurring.

This should never happen between you and your puppet. Peaceful puppeteers keep moments like this from occurring between person and puppet.

Artifacts Doctor’s Note

COMA Doctors Note 07 18 16

Serious–Part 7: Conspiracy Much

By Jonny Reynolds

The following is Serious, part of a year-long investigative series by Coma News Daily into the disappearance of a former Coma News Daily editor, Don Johnson Michaels.

Serious has passed the halfway point in its one-year investigation and we’re no closer to finding our lost former colleague. Instead of growing despondent, giving up, and moving on with our lives, we’re going to do what all great journalists do in such circumstances: Turn to conspiracy theories.

Our town is awash in folks with vaguely plausible ideas about the location of Don Johnson Michaels (most involve the Coma Landfill) and the causes behind his disappearance (a WhipIts addiction and running from oppressors/ghosts among the most popular).

everythinghappensfora reason

Serious did the only responsible thing and publicly aired the conspiracies that most closely echoed our own biases.

Joining us today to talk about their conspiracy theories are Stan Bargmeyer, an elderly intern, and Stoner Steve, a local drug addict.

Serious: Welcome gentlemen. Let’s start with you, Stoner Steve.

Stoner Steve: It’s pretty simple. The editor-guy found something he shouldn’t have.

S: Well, Michaels was an editor so that seems vaguely plausible–

SS: –He found out about the buzzards; that they’re coming for our kids.

S: And I spoke too soon. Why are they coming for the kids and do you actually have kids?

SS: No, I don’t have my own, personal kids but I have communal ownership of kids in this town and everyone knows they’re chock full of nutrients–

Bargemeyer: –Lies!

S: You have some insight to add here, Stan?

B: This crap about delicious children is a bunch of obvious lies designed to distract us from the real reason that worthless sack boy took off:

S: Which was?

B: He was skipping on his commitment to shovel snow from not just my driveway but also the driveways of half the other senior citizens in this town.

S: It’s true, when he wasn’t passed out in a ditch somewhere, Michaels was known for his generous spirit.
Maybe you could just pay a local kid to do it?

B: Pay someone to do my snow shoveling? You think I’m made of money?

S: Well no but–

B: I blame that temptress of a horse for luring him away.

S: Wait, so now you’re implying Michaels and the horse–

SS: And a baby!

S: Ok, I think we’re going to go ahead and cut it off there before I get sick. Thank you both for your, um, ideas.

Next time on Serious: Everyone’s got an idea they’re sure will make them rich and Michaels was no different. We’ll sit down with a local entrepreneur to learn about the somewhat disturbing innovation Michaels was concocting–spoiler, it was not a baby-making machine–at the time of his disappearance.

What is Solitude?: An LOL Mystery

The following is blog by a Coma resident excerpted as a community service by Coma New Daily.


By Marybell Davis, 27 years old, Amazing life lived, Awesome blogger of Awesome Things and Coma’s own Private Dick (gross)

Daddy Warbucks: Marybell why don’t you turn off your phone, go out and at least think about what kind of job you could get?
Marybell: Not now Daddy I need to tweet out my new hairstyle and ask all my social media friends, who I’ve never met, what they think about it.

Seriously? Think about something? Alone?
Solitude is a mystery. Mainly because why would anyone want it. Just like in the olden days before microwaves (gross) where people had to cook things for hours, there’s no longer any need to ever be by yourself. Technology has given us access to constant unknown friends at our fingertips to tell us whether that feeling we have makes sense, or even better, what feeling or opinion we should have.

I recently took a survey on Facebook on the best name for me. It turns out that based on my friends and my love of clothes I should be Erica and not Marybell. If I had solitude and no access to a survey that I could take and share with my friends on Facebook (all of them agreed I should be Erica) then how would I know that I have the wrong name?


There are people who like solitude. Some people may have heard of Bob Dylan or Thomas Jefferson and apparently they did some big things without access to Twitter and Vine’s of a cute dog or a Snapchat that make fun of a politician’s hair. It’s true that they’re so old that they’re from the time before microwaves.

I remember when I saw the old women who hang out with their screaming children at the Blair Witch Walking Park here in town, which should be renamed the Blair Witch Screaming Park, and they remember what it was like before microwaves and the internet. I remember hearing one asking the other “Do you remember just silence?” While her kids ran screaming around her.
And the one was like “yeah,” like it was a wish.
But they are fat and gross.
So if that’s what solitude looks like then this girls’ gonna keep on sending out hot selfies on the internet to strangers.

The mystery is that people don’t need solitude to create or think about things for themselves. All they need is a collective of people they don’t know telling them exactly what is good and what isn’t.

And that’s the mystery of solitude. From now on you can call me Erica Davis.