Archive for: June 2016

Podcast: How It Isn’t

It’s 85 degrees in Coma and that means it’s time to start complaining about the heat. It’s also Whitney Houston haiku night at Bear’s Biker Bar and hopefully we’ll all finally learn how someone can love us. This is Coma News Daily.

The official internet podcast portal for the Town of Coma. For the first time, this podcast is brought to you by our friends at Kale Flavored ham

This week we just keep  ‘Getting Serious’ and broadcast from a horse barn rather than a bar.

As always you can hear the podcast by clicking play at the bottom of this blog post!

Hosted this week by Jonny Reynolds, who is a real reporter, and Coma’s very own underemployed Private Dick (gross), Marybell Davis, who does not write news but is attractive enough to read it. With news from T.S. John who can no longer prebreak news since he gave up his peyote habit and Stan Bargmeyer explains how to mail some cherries.

Subscribe on iTunes

Rate & Review on iTunes
Share with friends and family

Follow on SoundCloud

We have an instagram

witman

Coma’s Clown General of World War II

Coma’s Clown General of World War II

Brigadier General Isaac “Burpy” Clemens, better known as the “Clown General of World War II” or “Burpy the Clown” was a successful American General in the European theatre during World War II. Born and raised in Coma, Clemens is often cited as the man who saved the Allied Forces during the Battle of the Bulge, Clemens was an expert field strategist who often employed unorthodox tactics which caught his enemies off guard and unprepared.

Clemens gained notoriety in 1944 when he successfully twisted more than four-thousand balloons to create a fake infantry unit that provided a distraction to German units in France, allowing allied forces to secure an important bridge north of France.

A graduate of West Point (Class of 1916), Clemens served during World War I as an artillery officer where he gained the reputation as a tough but lovable leader.  He served on Dwight Eisenhower’s staff during World War II and received several commendations for his service.

During the Potsdam Conference of 1945, Clemens nearly caused an international crisis when he inadvertently sprayed seltzer water into the eye of Russian leader Joseph Stalin during their initial greeting.

Clemens died in 1961 and is buried in the Coma cemetery.

ww32

Clemens is photographed with General Dwight Eisenhower’s staff during the Potsdam Conference

Selling My Ideas for Cash

whats happening

 

Selling My Ideas for Cash

Just a really cool dude with some mind-blowing ideas that will probably make someone a lot of money.  I just don’t want to do all the work.  I got ideas about gasoline, poetry, foot cushions, foots, puppets, land mine removal, alien friendship, toast/cereal hybrids, bridges, high bridges, portable dress wear, real fruit gum, new Monopoly game pieces, fancy breads and other stuff.  $100 per idea OBO.  All ideas are legal (wink, wink).  Contact Steve at steve.phillips420@outlook.com

 

 

Man Gets Ready in Record Time

 

By: Coma News Staff

Coma resident Thomas Steven John  claimed this week he set a new personal record for getting ready.

“Twelve minutes,” John said with a wide grin.  “That includes showering, brushing my teeth, applying lotion to my face, getting dressed, putting on my shoes and collecting my keys, debit card, cash and a few breath mints.”

John, who told his friends and his girlfriend, Carol Tate, about his feat, said he can usually get ready pretty fast on a normal day, but there was something special about this experience.

“As I was drying my crotch I realized I had only taken about a two minute shower because my crotch wasn’t even wet,” John said.  “That’s when I knew I had a chance to get ready faster than I’d ever gotten ready before.”

John was preparing to meet his friends at a local tavern and ended up being nearly one hour early.

“I think I can do it even faster,” John said.  “If I eliminate the shower part and the tooth brushing, I could probably get ready in ten minutes.  Is it tooth brushing or teeth brushing?”

New Petting Zoo Opens In Coma

By Coma News Daily Staff

City officials, including Coma Mayor, Dave Anderson, were on hand Yesterday at the opening of the new Coma Petting Zoo and Recycling Center.

“This is a great day for children and families of Coma,” Anderson said.  “We have a safe place for young people to get up close and personal with nature and cultivate joy for animals.”

The new petting zoo features a cow.

holey_cow

“This is so exciting,” Coma mother-of-two Cheryl Dickerson said. “I’ve seen cows on TV and in Coma when I drive by all the farms, but never  up close and in person.”

Like many, Dickerson brought her children to the grand opening and stared at the cow from afar for nearly five minutes.

“The thing that I’m really excited about is that we’re only getting started,” Anderson told the crowd.  “Soon, this will be the finest petting zoo in the entire county.”

According to the Mayor, the petting zoo will be adding an old wooden bucket in upcoming weeks and is in the process of securing a horseshoe.

Plans to add an old wooden bucket to the new petting zoo are in the works

Plans to add an old wooden bucket to the new petting zoo are in the works

“I love that my children are growing up in a town that has place they can go and look at a cow and touch an old wooden bucket and, fingers crossed, hold a horseshoe in their hand,” Dickerson said.  She later departed after her youngest child started throwing rocks at the cow.

Hooked On Phonics Spelling Bee Ends in Kayoss

spelling bee 2

 

By Coma News Staff

After nearly 83 hours of competition, officials at the First Annual Coma Hooked On Phonics Spelling Bee decided the competition would end in a tie and awarded first place to 72 young competitors.

I think we underestimated the creative ways in which people could spell words using phonetics,” the event’s Executive Director and Superintendent, John Barry, said.  “Short of spelling a word without any vowels, just about every answer was deemed acceptable.”

The contest, which was sponsored by the popular reading program Hooked On Phonics, was designed to promote literacy by emphasizing the way children learn to read by spelling out words phonetically. As part of that effort, contestants were allowed to use phonetic spellings of words for their answers.

A total of 73 contestants entered the event, which went on uninterrupted for almost 83 hours.  Only one contestant, Duggar Higgens, was eliminated from the competition amidst controversy after his attempt to spell the word “calisthenics” was deemed incorrect.

spelling bee 3

ABOVE: Little Duggar Higgens would be the only participant to not win the event after stumbling over the word “calisthenics”

“That was a tough one,” Barry said.  “We accepted everything from ‘k-a-l-l-a-s-e-t-i-c-k’ to ‘c-k-e-l-o-s-e-t-t-t-i-q-u-e,’ but that little kid, Buger What’s-his-face, missed the mark by spelling it ‘h-u-j-r-c-a-i-l’.  The judges spent nearly 40 minutes discussing before ruling him out of the competition.”

The competition was open to children age eight to twelve and was held at the Coma Community Players Gang-Up Improv and Comedy Sportz Arena last weekend.

spelling bee 1

ABOVE: Contestant Michael Dunlop is shocked when his spelling of the word “constitute” is accepted by judges. Dunlop spelled the word “K-A-H-N-S-I-T-W-O-O-J-T”, which was deemed an acceptable phonetic spelling of the word, assuming the “J” is silent

“We at Hooked On Phonics were proud to be part of this mag-ni-fa-sent event and are thrilled that so many young spellers showed up to par-tiss-a-pate,” Evelyn Meyers, VP of Public Relations for Hooked On Phonics, said in a press release.  “We have always insisted that any child that tries to read or spell is a winner and in this case, that was true, except for little Duggar Higgens.”

Hurley said that while no event has been confirmed for next year, it would be difficult to imagine the event not happening.

“We called it the First Annual, so, that kind of paints us into a corner,” Barry said.  “I think we will have to do it again.  This time, we may require the kids to actually spell the words correctly.  I don’t know how that’s going to go over with the Hooked on Whatever people but this was kind of a disaster.”

High School Musician Announces New Band, Album

By Coma News Staff

Coma teenager and musician Chase Donovan announced this week that his new band will be releasing an album this summer.

Donovan, who achieved some local neighborhood fame in 2015 with his band Ferret Dust and their album “Thanks For Killing Babies NSA,” said his musical interests continue to evolve, which lead to the end of Ferret Dust.

“I think Ferret Dust had its time and while I’m very happy with some of the music we put out, it was just time to move on,” Donovan said.  “Stuff like this happens.  Bands break up all the time.”

06 02 16 Chase

Musician and local bad boy Chase Donovan is excited about his new band and promises to “shake things up around here.”

Donovan’s new band is called Town Hall Meeting and includes all the original members of Ferret Dust.  The group’s debut album will be titled “Nice Knowing You Planet Earth, Too Bad You’re Dead,” and will feature 11 tracks that Donovan called “provocative and at the same time not provocative at all.”

“This is going to be a statement album,” Donovan said.  “People will hear it and they will be talking about it and it will probably change some things for the better.”

The band released a song list for the album which includes the following titles:

  • “There Used To Be A Place Called The Amazon River But It’s Gone Now”
  • “It’s Time To Give Everyone Free Money”
  • “I’m Not Going To Eat Any More Food Until Police Brutality Stops Everywhere, Seriously”
  • “Hand Me My Flip-Flops; The Planet Is Heatin’ Up”
  • “No Thank You, I’ll Eat Grass”
  • “Gunna Marry Me A Tree”
  • “Old Guys In Suits Are Bombing China As You Listen To This Song”
  • “I Want A Twenty-Five Dollar Minimum Wage”

“This album explores many of the world’s issues and provides reasonable solutions in one neat, tidy package,” Donovan said. “Compared to Ferret Dust, Town Hall Meeting has a much more refined, mature and nuanced sound.”

Donovan confirmed the band booked their first show and will play the title track to their upcoming album as part of the Coma High School Talent Show next week.  Beyond that, Donovan said the band plans to play some shows at local parks, diners and backyards all summer long to support the new album.

“Whatever happens, I just want to stay humble and focus on fixing all the world’s problems through music,” Donovan said. “I think this record will be very popular in third-world countries because they can relate to things like corporate greed, justice systems that are all whacked up and campaign finance crisis.”

Nice Knowing You Planet Earth, Too Bad You’re Dead will be available on CD via the band’s website on June 21.