Archive for: May 2016

Vape and Vinyl to Bring Justice

By Coma News Daily Staff

Coma’s courthouse will soon fill with the smokey sounds of justice when a new sponsor takes over.

A music smoke shop, called Alan’s Vape and Vinyl, will open in the Coma courthouse later this month.

The store’s owner and purveyor of fine vape products, Alan Pezzati, previously played lead cymbals in the punk band Naked Vape Gun. Pezzati moved to Coma from Chicago a couple weeks ago after deciding the town “deserves to be a better place”.

Pezzati plans to restore judicial operations at the courthouse, which were suspended last year amid a budget crunch.

“If corporate sponsorship is good enough for the town’s motor vehicle department/liquor store then it’s good enough for law and order,” said Coma Mayor Dave Anderson. “Plus, this guy’s albums are groovy-dope.”

Vape front page

The self-appointed Judge Pezzati plans for his court to deliver an extra large helping of hard justice.

“Years of experience weighing the relative worthiness of people in our culture has prepared me for this role better than any law school ever could,” said Pezzati, who plans to fund the court’s ongoing operations through proceeds from the vape and vinyl shop.

The first priority for the smoke-filled chamber of justice will be to eliminate the town’s backlog of pending cases.

“Speed is the essential element in both criminal justice and in judging people’s taste in music or preferred vape flavors,” Pezzati said. “The other key element of justice is snark. There’s going to be snap flowing from this bench.

Defendants can expect traffic citation rulings to be accompanied by extended lectures from the bench on future trends in vape juice mixing and the primacy of straight-to-wax late 80s Brazilian compilations.

“Plus, if you’re stupid you can expect to face either immediate ejection or incarceration,” he said.


The Town of Coma courthouse, which has been closed for two years due to lack of funding, will reopen for justice, some traffic classes, and vape consumption.

The move to juristic jams left some town residents in a haze.

“There’s nothing great about music in a courthouse,” Jax Owen, a Coma Town Council member said when told about the deal. “Amazing music is what happens when you bring together smoke machines, loud karaoke and some drunk hot chicks.”

Coma’s leading employer also wondered how sustainable the business model was.

“The numbers don’t work unless you just changed the civil fines to whatever was needed to cover your overhead since none of these idiots are good enough to purchase your stuff.” said Owen. “But you’d have to have some monster arrogance to pull that off.”


Most people in Coma are excited about the opening of the store but are upset about the idea that traffic court will be in session once again. “If I got a traffic ticket two years ago but it was never enforced because the court was shut down am I going to have to pay a fine or something?” said Chase Donovan, Coma teenager. “Also, isn’t vinyl that stuff they put in cars and feels real sticky? So not sure what this place is selling.”

Some townspeople are excited about everything, “Does making a purchase keep me from going to jail?” asked Stoner Steve. “If elegance, smoking and music had a threesome and made a baby the Vape and Vinyl would be that baby.”

Police Blotter

By Coma News Daily Staff
This week the blotter will intersperse past crimes with present crimes. Submit your guesses on which crimes are from the past and which from the present to for a chance to win a 72 cent coupon from the Foot Bucket, where it’s not just fast food, it’s fun food.

blotter 3

There’s no reason crime can’t be fun. Check out the crime blotter to see how you can play along.

An outhouse on the property of John Butt exploded and burned to the ground on Saturday. Butt was “slightly singed.” The cause of the fire in the candle-filled outhouse was unclear. But the damages included a large quantity of curing meat lost in the explosion.

Three people were arrested for possession of marijuana, after their 2016 Toyota Prius was pulled over for speeding.

Silas Beekeeper, a well-known Coma farmer, was on his way to the city with a large quantity of cash when several strangers approached him. They ascertained that he was in possession of a large sum of paper currency and convinced him to join a high stakes poker game at a nearby house. But when Beekeeper arrived at the house he discovered–instead of a card game–other men armed with a variety of clubs. They stole his money, assaulted his person, and threw him in the dung canal.

Two men were arrested for possession of Oxycontin without a prescription Sunday after police responded to the report of a fight at Chase’s Trailer Crossing, which was refurbished in early 2016.

Queries & Quislings

The following is an advice dispensary provided as a community service by Davis Montgomery III, publisher of Coma News Daily.

Queries & Quislings

Dear Query Guy,

My wife and I have a son. We are in our mid 60s and hope to retire within the next couple years.

Our son is considering marrying his girlfriend of 8 years but he has motivational problems that prevent him from working more than part-time from home.

He has gotten financial support from his mother all his life and, in the last few years, he has been getting between $16,000 and $25,000 a year. It’s increasing every year.

She feels sorry for his motivational disability and doesn’t want him and his gf (she works, they have no kids) to have lower living standards than us.


Subtle hints, like this sign posted on an adult child’s boarded up backyard treehouse/loft, rarely convinces them to move out on their own.

We pay for most of his medical expenses, new car, hydroponics hobby, annual wardrobe upgrades, and digital entertainment needs–among other expenses.

I can’t seem to stop my wife from giving away our money. I worry we will be broke, or dead, in 15 to 20 years.

How do you suggest I get through to my wife?

Broke Back Dad

Dearest BBD,
Indolent offspring are one of the great challenges of modern fatherhood. But obviously the primary challenge under the scenario you outlined is overly indulgent maternal urges. Clearly, a gaping chasm exists where her self respect should be.

But your family is neither the first nor last to struggle under the yoke of rabid wastrels. So I will share the same advice that was once offered to me and that I’ve offered on every previous occasion I’ve encountered this situation:

Hit it with a hammer!

hit it with a hammer 1

You know what time it is, wastrels.

A hammer applied to your problems offers both a temporary sense of achievement in the face of insurmountable frustration, as well as a longterm method to prevent reoccurances.

In situations involving an adult child, some might ask ‘Why not just give him the hammer and let him do the hitting?’

Wrong! Such an approach is commonly taken by the foolhardy and incontinent–with predictably scatological results.

To avoid a excrement filled outcome make sure it is you and your hammer vigorously applying hits to this problem.

Additionally, avoid pushing your wife to hammer out a resolution. She clearly lacks either the required wrist strength or intestinal fortitude.

Good luck to you, BBD. And good hammering!


Advertorial: Happy Mother’s Day

Many businesses in Coma offer giveaways to help you honor Mom. The Coma Cemetery is giving away nachos this sunday in honor of Mother’s Day.

Stop by and enjoy.


Happy Mother’s Day.



mothers day nachos





Wanted: Deputies



ISO: The Coma Sheriff’s Office is seeking applicants who are really into crime, but in a police procedural way and not a crazy-guy-feeding-people-their-own-brains kind of way.

We’re seeking deputies who can get fired up by the idea of handing out tickets to stop-sign-running bicyclists–and not need a high-speed helicopter chase to get excited about their job.

Do you like paperwork? Are you looking for a car-based job to accommodate your extra weight? Does the idea of speeding through red traffic signals around town for no particular reason sound like enough reason to get out of bed for the next 20 years?

If you answered “yes” to any of these question or if these descriptions  sound someone you know–who is not in jail–then please get in touch at

Advertorial: 12 Dos and Don’ts of Participating in A Bigfoot Focus Group

The following is a paid advertorial and does not reflect the views of Coma News Daily

12 Do and Don’ts of Participating in A Bigfoot Focus Group
By Coma News Daily Staff

corporate bigfoot 2

Don’t be shy, Todd totally loves your sarcastic comments about his product illustrations.

Bigfoot Focus Groups recently started offering their consumer insight services to Coma businesses.

But town residents wanting to offer their opinions in exchange for a payment should come prepared.

Here are some tips to get the most out of your next Bigfoot Focus Group:

1) Initial questions are supplied in written form in case of difficulty understanding the moderator, Todd the Sasquatch.

2) Try to remember the questions when you read them because things can get pretty intense as your focus group works through its feelings about various brand products. Question placards have been known to be torn to pieces and consumed by the moderator as he howls in despair.

3) Each focus group will consist of 10 people and we ask that you don’t be the  guy who points at Todd the whole session with his mouth hanging open.


If you bogart the entire opinion sesh, Todd’s going to have to totally ignore you, stoner-in-a-suit.

4) Let Todd know upfront if you’re shy so he can help ensure your comfort with continuous neck and scalp massages during the session.

5) Please be honest about how you feel toward the products reviewed by the focus group. Todd literally smells deceit. We are not responsible for the shunning Todd will unleash on lying liars.

6) This is super easy. We’re literally paying you to bore us with your opinions. So don’t forget to relax and enjoy yourself. This is important to remember if Todd does that thing where he freezes, stares at you and then dives across the table at you before sniffing you all over. He usually snaps right out of it.

7) We ask participants to not wear perfume or strong cologne. This is springtime, after all, and Todd is male and has only so much self restraint.

8) After Todd presents the product to your group and you’ve given your initial impression of it, he’s likely to gesture to you to then delve deeper. It’d be helpful if you could then stand up and act out how you use the product in your daily life. Todd is a very visual guy.

9) We usually show various versions of a commercial to get the impression of focus group participants. These commercials will all involve a dog and/or woodland creatures. So if those types of commercials sound “lame” or “stupid,” please don’t tell Todd or he may eat your cash payment right in front of you.

10) We’ll go ahead and apologize in advance to focus groups testing dog food, Todd is very likely to gobble mouthfuls between questions.

11) If you’re confused by any of the questions or halting screams coming from Todd, just ask him to repeat the question–no matter how many times or how visibly angry he gets. Todd’s just gotta get better at this part.

12) Please  don’t try to haggle over the $90 compensation. Todd has no more money to give you and definitely don’t accuse him of skimming $10 that would have made it an even $100–he’ll be crying in our arms all night.