Archive for: May 2016

Rain Keeps Falling

By Sadie Cracker

The rain beats on the kitchen window like so many small fists. It’s been raining here in Coma for weeks and that makes me think I’m in Seattle without the coffee and angst.

I am making spaghetti for the third time this week because I worked all day and then worked with the boys on homework and then cleaned the bathrooms and then started laundry and then worked some more.

I just keep working.

So it’s spaghetti. If I went on Instagram I’d show you a pic. You’d love it. I worked to make the homemade sauce by opening a jar of Newman’s own and heating it on the stove.

The unrelenting rain beats down on the kitchen window and I keep moving and on the radio Patty Griffin sings a song about Rain,

“I’m not looking for the rest of your life, I just want another chance to live
Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I’m holding on underneath this shroud

From the kitchen I hear my boys in the other room. They’re laughing.

“Joe has a girlfriend.” yells Ben my 7-year-old.
“I do not.” says Joe, 13.
“You do. You do. That girl Jillian says she’s your girlfriend.”
And Joe starts laughing. “I guess I do have a girlfriend then because she told me the same thing.”
And he laughs and I hear him tickling his younger brother and I think about this Jillian and I’m annoyed she’s telling my son she’s his girlfriend and at the same time I like it.



The publisher of Coma News Daily said if I won’t write about anyplace other than Bear’s Biker Bar he’s going to let my father write my columns because “at least he goes other places, even if he’s usually lost because of the Alzheimer’s.”

So, I started at my house and then ended up at Bear’s Biker Bar, where it’s Whitney Houston Haiku Night.

My father is over at the bar arguing with Bear about love. Bear is 32 and a skate rat and has probably has been with more women that most of huddled masses in this bar.

“She said, ‘You’re the one, Stan.’ And I believed her,” Stan, my father, said.
“And then what?” Bear said.
“And then I married her.”

“Sounds lame. How did you know she’s the one when there are millions of attractive available women? How did you know?”


Up on stage, Charlie stands at the mic to read a haiku he wrote about Whitney Houston.
Whitney your song goes
Not so sad how will you know
someone to love you

“I knew because I knew. She made me laugh. We liked the same things.”
“She let you be free?”
“She told me to have a great day every morning.”

And I laugh to hear Dad talk about Mom because all I remember are all the things I didn’t do right as a kid. My tee shirts were too tight. My badness was “embarrassing” and my tattoo was scandalous. And it wasn’t until she was dying she just had one thing to tell me and it was so stupid and something I think about every day.

“All we have is this moment where the clothes don’t matter, the counterfeit successes, and all we have here is the people who we love.”

And shut up Mom. I know you are sick but really, such a cliché.

And then there I was three years later with my own husband dead and all I could see was my small boys crying.

We spend so much time in this life searching that we miss the small moments that matter.

Charlie gives us another Whitney Haiku:
Your makeup is gone
Whitney you were crying now
You are not alone

But sometimes we are.

“She’s always right here,” Stan says. And he points to his heart.
“I want that,” said Bear.

Charlie, the Coma Librarian, looks up from the crinkled paper he holds with all the Whitney Haiku’s he’s written and he says “Sadie are you singing tonight?” I shake my head and stand.

“Where are you going?”

I don’t know but I do know it’s time to run in the rain.

So I take off. Past my father and Bear who follow me to the door of the bar. Outside where the rain is coming down so hard I only make it to the dumpster. And I laugh. I can’t stop laughing. I couldn’t run further than the dumpster on the other side of the parking lot.

“She told me I had to love her,” Stan whisper-yells so loudly to Bear that I can hear him.

“Then you had to.” says Bear. “You had to.”

And all I can do is just dance in this never ending rain storm beside this grungy old dumpster and laugh.

Bigfoot Sighting at Pick-up Basketball Game

By Coma News Staff

A pick-up basketball game at the Coma City Park was interrupted last week after participants claimed a Sasquatch sat down near the court and indicated he “got next”.  The incident marks the third reported sighting of bigfoot in Coma this year and left witnesses shaken.

“I almost crapped myself,” Coma teen Chase Donovan said.  “Can I say ‘crapped myself’ on an internet news site?”

According to eyewitnesses, the giant, hair-covered figure emerged from a nearby restroom midway through a friendly, yet competitive, three-on-three basketball game.  After watching from afar for several minutes, Bigfoot approached a bench near the court, relaced his shoes and then sat down.

bigfoot on bench

Artist sketch of the reported bigfoot that sat on a park bench hoping to get in on a game of basketball with local teens

“He started tapping his chest and pointing to himself,” Donovan said.  “Then he pretended to shoot a basketball and dribble and kept pointing to himself.  We finally realized he was calling next game.”

According to amateur cryptozoologist, Micah Horncraft, while it is rare for Bigfoot to play recreational team sports, it is not unheard of.

“There have been accounts of Bigfoot engaging in volleyball games and even gymnastics,” Horncraft said.  “It is much more common for them to stick to their own cultural games like hit-stick-rock and leaf-on-head-leaf-tucked-in-shoe-don’t-touch-leaf.

Donovan said that he and his friends left the court following their game but watched from a distance as bigfoot sat slumped on the park bench shaking his head.

“I think he was sad that no one wanted to play with him,” Donovan said.  “But forget that.  Who wants to match up with him in the paint?”




I Own SuperDog

By Chase Donovan

It’s not every day that we see greatness, and even more rare to see super-greatness.

That’s why I’m super excited to let everyone in town know that Coma may soon get on the map as the home of the first canine with super powers.


How do I know my dog, Ralph Wiggum, is a super hero? Well, you try eating your own brown dragons and surviving. That’s right, I saw my dog eat his own freshly produced tushy tots a few days ago and he has shown no signs of illness or disease since then.

I had previously seen him eat food off the floor and obviously his food bowl isn’t all that clean but smelly pebbles? Ralph, you just took it to a whole new level. And afterwards he was looking around for more!


How did Ralph get this super power? I have no idea. There haven’t been any asteroid strikes or radiation leaks around us that I am aware of. But anything is possible.

And before you say “A super power to survive (and enjoy?) eating butt truffles is not much of a super power” it’s more useful than you might think. Like, what are the chances he starves to death if his food supply is cut off? Obviously, way lower. And how intimidated would a bad guy be if they saw him non-chalantly chowing down on a turd-pedo? Terrified, I’m pretty sure.

And yes, his super power, like those of so many other heroes, comes with a terrible price. For one thing, I’m not going to let him lick my mouth, anymore.

But that seems like a price he’s willing to pay because he’s shown no sign of slowing down in the use of his super power.

And I don’t know about the rest of you but I feel a lot safer knowing there’s a superdog in this town.

Shane Donovan is a junior at Coma High School and junior intern for Coma News Daily.

If You Follow Directions Precisely, Mac & Cheese A Pretty Easy Dinner To Prepare

Stan Bargmeyer's recipe for Mac & Cheese includes preparing Kraft Mac & Cheese by following the directions on the box

Stan Bargmeyer’s recipe for Mac & Cheese includes preparing Kraft Mac & Cheese by following the directions on the box

According to Coma resident Stan Bargmeyer, if you follow the directions on the box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese precisely, it’s a fairly easy dinner to prepare.

“I just read over the directions and then I make some notes and then I follow them exactly as they are laid out,” Bargmeyer said.  “I usually have to refer to my notes a few times while preparing the dish, but it works.”

Bargmeyer said he originally tried making the dish last year but gave up after several attempts without even looking at the instructions, which are printed clearly on the box.

“The first time I only boiled the pasta for about a minute, maybe two,” Bargmeyer admitted.  “It was crunchy and I thought maybe I just got a bad batch of macaroni.”

On his next attempt to prepare the popular boxed dinner, Bargmeyer forgot to add the cheese sauce.

“It tasted pretty bland,” the retired bus driver said.  “I was ready to give up.”

After talking to some friends, Bargmeyer realized there was a set of instructions on the box that provided specific, helpful and easy-to-follow instructions.

“Once I started following the directions, I realized it was a pretty simple dish to prepare and it tastes pretty good too,” Bargmeyer beamed.

Bargmeyer said he looks forward to trying even more complicated recipes soon, including a can of Nalley’s chili that has been in his cupboard for almost two years.

“I look at that can almost every day but have put it off cause I’m not exactly a culinary expert,” Bargmeyer said.  “My confidence is growing though.”

The Mikey Dukes’ Workout- Real Results in just 24 years!

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Serious–Part 5: Swamp Shorts?

The following is Serious, part of a year-long investigative series by Coma News Daily into the disappearance of a former editor, Don Johnson Michaels.

When he wasn't editing Coma News, Don Johnson Michaels was doing free farm labor for Coma Publisher Davis Montgomery III.

When he wasn’t editing Coma News, Don Johnson Michaels was doing free farm labor for Coma Publisher Davis Montgomery III.

by Jonny Reynolds, reporter, who is not Ryan Reynolds and does not have social phobia

Illnesses of the mind are terrifying and mysterious. But even worse–to both the afflicted and those who love them–are sicknesses of the groin.

As the mystery of Don Johnson Michaels continues, some observers–primarily this reporter–have wondered whether his erratic behavior could have been driven by an embarrassing case of swamp shorts.

So we sat down with Michaels’ physician, Dr. Jimmy, to see if our wild speculation had any basis in fact.


Coma News: Thank you for joining us today.

Dr. Jimmy: Thanks for having me, brother.

CN: I should disclose upfront that Dr. Jimmy is this reporter’s brother and until recently I slept on his couch.

DJ: I have enjoyed having the use of my furniture back.

CN: As amazing as discussing my sleeping arrangements is, I think our listeners would be more interested in what you can tell us about the missing editor.

DJ: Michaels?

CN: Yes.

DJ: Fascinating man.

CN: And?

DJ: And what?

CN: And did he have zipper drawers?

DJ: OK, I don’t know what that is. But if you’re asking about a medical condition then you should know I can’t violate patient-doctor confidentiality.

CN: Wait, what? Then why are you here.

DJ: I thought your listeners might be interested in my latest experience in the “30 Dates for Science” initiative.

CN: That thing where you go on a date to test a scientific hypothesis? I very much doubt–

DJ: I arranged my latest date through the local young artists’ hookup site, Kinder. My hypothesis was to validate the recent clinical study that linked creative personalities with mental illness.

CN: Perhaps in some roundabout way that might address the issue we’re examining–

DJ: Exactly, so I took my young naked interpretive dance friend, we’ll call her Miley Cyrus, out to a night at the opera.

CN: This sounds like it’s going to get pretty weedy. Any chance you could cut to the conclusion. Like, was she looney or no?

DJ: Well, there was actually a series of improbable events during our evening, which resulted in my leaving a classical French restaurant’s bathroom without my pants–

CN: Oh, so you got sloshed on a date again?

DJ: Well, yes but there was a significant correlation–

CN: Fascinating developments there, Dr. Jimmy, but we’re going to have to stop you because that’s all the time we have this week. Thank you so much for sharing your insight, and your um picadillos, with our audience.

Next time on Serious: We speculate wildly on whether a pet parakeet’s death and a subsequent skydiving accident could have contributed to Michaels’ downward spiral.

Sasquatch ‘Crushes It’ During Local Finance Webinar

By Coma News Daily Staff

Retail finance learnings reached unexpected heights when a Bigfoot took over a Coma business seminar.

About eight minutes into a webinar for Coma businesses titled “Maximizing Retail Finance Opportunities” several halting screams interrupted a presentation by local businessman Bob Smith-Smith.
An extended series of clicks, grunts and whirling sounds followed.

“At first I couldn’t tell whether he was agreeing or disagreeing with me,” Smith-Smith said. “Eventually, I realized it didn’t matter because he was a spellbinding presenter.”

corporate bigfoot 3

Prepare your PC to be blown away by the webinar ninja pictured here.

The Sasquatch worked his way through the remaining 57 slides in Smith-Smith’s power point presentation.

One participant in the webinar was upset that the Bigfoot unleashed a series barking-snarls whenever late attendees loudly logged on after the conference call started. But others appreciated the generally smooth-flowing nature of the presentation.

“Presenters usually step all over each other on these calls,” said Marlee Bumgartner, owner a local daycare center, The House of Little Peoples. “But after that first interruption when it sounded like the Bigfoot threw his speakerphone across the room no one else interrupted him.”

Others were more outspoken in their praise.

“No one crushes it on webinars like someone with a head for business and a bod for scavenging,” said Marybell Davis, owner of a Coma private detection agency, LOL Detectives. “I’m all like, awe-face emoji.”

The biggest complaint of attendees was that the call suddenly ended seven minutes early when it appeared the Sasquatch inadvertently hung up on himself.

Silent But Deadly: Trash Artist to Lead Quiet Parade

By Coma News Daily Staff

Coma News Daily had the opportunity to sit down with the Grand Marshall of this Coma’s 12th annual Silent Parade Don Nichols. Among his many accomplishments, Don is both a twitter officianado@TheDairylandDon and also inventor of the garbage selfie on Instagram (click the link to follow him on both). We are excited that Don will be taking the Amtrak writer residency train to Coma and didn’t tell him that the train doesn’t stop and he’ll probably have to jump. In the interview below we talk with Don about his garbage baggage and also his love of silence.


CND: As I’m sure you’re aware, last year selfies surpassed lightning strikes as a cause of mortalities. What are you doing to protect yourself?

Don Nichols:  “Safety is a primary concern for those of us in the up and coming Garbage Arts. I, myself, have been trying to throw away primarily items that contribute to a safe creating space.. Lots of spongy Styrofoam, bubble wrap, knee pads, elbow pads wrist braces, and helmets of a proper size that have been certified as OSHA compliant twice per year.”
CND: As a self portrait artist of some renown, what is the single greatest challenge you have struggled with in your compositions?
Don Nichols:  “As a wise person once said, ‘Never work with kids, animals, or weekly rubbish.’ I’ve had shoots take several hours just getting the garbage in the right mindset for its close-up. Ultimately, the reward is in the finished art; and on a side note, a few bags of my trash have gone on to be in some of Hollywood’s biggest hits. I’m quite honored.”

CND: When you heard you were going to be the grand Marshall of the Coma Silent Days parade but realized trash was banned in Coma how did you explain that to your selfie friends?
Don Nichols:  “The selfie community has surprisingly been my biggest supporter in this unfortunate situation. They know, as an artist, without my waste I am very vulnerable. It’s like, imagine inviting Jim Henson to be your Grand Marshall, but not allowing Mr The Frog, or The Karate Pig Lady, or, or, or that fluffy brown dog that plays the piano into your town limits? You probably wouldn’t do that, would you? Not without being labeled a Muppist. I guess trash is just low priority on the social justice ladder? But whatever. That’s what lawyers are paid for.”

Pictured here: Don and one of his friends. You can see all of these selfies and more if you follow his Instagram account.

CND: I understand the Coma silent parade has expanded its participants this year beyond mimes, mime marching bands, and mime air balloons. Could you highlight a couple new participating groups for us?
Don Nichols: We’re extremely proud this year to welcome:
The National Society of Stern Librarians
Champions of The United States Sign Language Brawl For All
Glenn Partonhold: *2011 Winner of ‘America’s Next Top Creeping Tip-Toer’ reality show.
The Bashful Critters Who Just Don’t Want To Come Out Of The Box- Mobile Farm
and a special appearance by
“Shooshy” The Keep It Down Safety Clown. Be sure to come on out and not make a lot of noise with us.
The Coma Silent parade will take place Saturday, June 7th at 10am. It will start at Bear’s Biker Bar and end at Alan’s Vape and Vinyl .