Archive for: May 2016

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

May. 31 Living no comments
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Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

 

[FreecycleComa] Offer: Treadmill

Works. Needs some TLC. Been used for lots of things other than running and walking. Did some cooking on it with a hot plate. Good for someone working on a new years resolution to work out more or someone who wants to cook on interesting surfaces.

mopedtread

 

 

[FreecycleComa] TAKEN: Uncle Sam large nutcracker

This has been taken. I received over 100 emails asking for this but gave it to the person who seemed most patriotic. He traded me some American Flag boxers for this large patriotic uncle sam. Thanks for all the interest.

unclesamnutcracker

 

 

Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) gmail.com .
_________________________________________________________________________
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]– Cannot be “wanted mate” or “wanted sex” or “wanted a hot chick”
– RECEIVED: stapler or breast implants [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

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Tragic Ending to First Annual Jaywalk-A-Thon

May. 31 Sports no comments
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jaywalk

Although originally conceived as a way to reinvigorate the monotony of the standard Walk-A-Thon event, the first annual Coma Jaywalk-A-Thon quickly earned its way on to the official list of “Coma’s Really Bad Ideas.”

By Coma News Staff

Created by Micah Horncraft with a goal to raise money to help find a cure for a yet to be identified disease, Horncraft insists he began with the greatest of intentions.

“This was going to be a fun and energetic new way to help raise money for worthwhile causes,” Horncraft said.  “And even though several people died and countless others were severely injured, I still think this event raised some money and awareness.”

The Jaywalk-A-Thon was held on a Friday in downtown Coma.  More than 400 participants turned out for the event, which got underway with a bagel and coffee kickoff event near the Coma Cemetery.  Late in the afternoon, participants, who raised money through a series of pledges, took off toward the town’s bustling streets.

“I was really charged up,” Chase Donovan, 16, said.  “This was my first fundraising activity I had ever taken part in.  It was so cool.  Then, about a block into it, my friend got struck down by a bus. He’s okay though. The bus was coming to a stop.”

Donovan said that while he would consider participating in future events, he’s going to be a bit more careful in choosing the activity as well as the cause.

“Apparently, they never got around to choosing a disease to benefit,” Donovan said.  “I thought that was kind of odd.  Also, the more I think about it the more I think unleashing hundreds of people onto busy streets during the middle of rush hour is probably not the best idea either.  But you live and you learn.  Well, unfortunately not everyone who participated lived.”

Aside from the more than 30 reported car accidents, the event also resulted in the deaths of three participants not to mention the nearly 40 others who suffered critical injuries.

Ironically, the tragedy of the First Annual Jaywalk-A-Thon helped generate several other fundraising events, the proceeds of which went directly to benefit participants of the Jaywalk-A-Thon.

“You can’t make this shit up,” said Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib .  “I think it’s nice that people want to help charities and try to cure diseases, but let the professionals handle it.  If you’re not sure who the professional organizations are, just ask them whether or not multiple people have ever lost their lives during one of their events.  That’s a good place to start.”

Horncraft, however, remains undeterred by what he calls a “minor setback.”

“Our biggest mistake was probably not identifying a charity or disease sooner in the process. That’s probably the one thing I would change,” Horncraft said.  “But shit, I didn’t realize how much work these things were and we kind of just forgot all about that part.”

Horncraft said plans were already underway for a second annual event, planned for next spring.  He said he will definitely make some adjustments based on lessons he learned from the first event.

“We’re probably going to hold it in the evening,” Horncraft said.  “There are a lot fewer cars driving around the streets at night time.  That will help a lot.”

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Coma Convo: Olden Times with Megan Grano

May. 26 News no comments
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Coma Convo: Olden Times
With Marybell Davis, 25 years old, amazing life lived. Total Private Dick (so gross).

Welcome to Coma Convo with your amazing host, me Marybell Davis!

This week in the convo we catch up with another Internet celebrity, Megan Grano! This woman is breaking all the rules of life online, like needing to be hot or young or fun! Megan got together with some other old ladies and created the Breakwomb and you can see their videos every week by clicking here.

You can follow Megan and her fellow Breakwomb (sounds painful) friends by going to their Facebook page and clicking Like or following their Instagram here.

The is Megan Grano. She acts in shows and is also a mother (which is so gross).

The is Megan Grano. She acts in shows and is also a mother (which is so gross).

How does this mom and wife keep being so amazing online, instead of, you know, just giving up? Because she and her Breakwomb partners are on a quest to Make Motherhood Hot Again.

make banner 1

You can help Make Motherhood Hot Again by purchasing a trucker hat.

This 25-year-old hardcore Instagrammer decided to reach across the generations and ask her loudly–because the old people hearing–about what makes her amazing and what, if anything, Makes Motherhood Hot Again.

Marybell Davis: Hey, Megan. Thanks for catching up with Coma Convo!

Megan Grano: Hi Marybell, thanks for asking me here. I hope I can shed some light on topics you said you wanted to discuss and allay some of your concerns.

MD: Let’s get right to one of the scariest questions first. I’ve heard a lot about a “mom bod.” Can you explain it to me? What will happen to me if I catch mom bod?

MG: Mom bod is basically what a woman’s body looks like after growing a human for nine months. After the baby comes out, you’re left with pancake boobs, a flabby tummy, double-wide hips, drumstick thighs, varicose veins, stretch-marks, and of course, cankles. Sounds alarming, but the good news is: mom bod is still a million times hotter than dad bod.

This is a candid shot of Megan and her friends and it just goes to show that hoodies never go out of style.

In this super-candid shot of Megan and her friends we see that hoodies never go out of style.

MD: I’ve heard being a mom is no fun but then I hear stories about bodily fluids flying all over, guys running around with no pants, and waking up at 3 a.m. with some dude. So it sounds kind of wild. Almost like a frat party?

MG: Marybell, if you like frat parties, you will love motherhood! It’s basically the same thing, except instead of your drunken haze being relegated to nights and weekends, motherhood keeps it going every day, all day! And speaking of hazes–just like a frat bro–kids love a good hazing, whether they’re waking you up at 2 a.m. with loud screaming or pooping on your kitchen floor because they didn’t feel like using the toilet. Sigma Gamma for life!

MD: I’m sorry but I really need to go back to mom bod. Is it preventable?

megangrano3

Motherhood is full of amazing surprises–and random card games.

MG: Boy, Marybell, I can tell you’re really worried about mom bod.  Rightly so (see description above).  My best advice to you is to treasure what you’ve got now. Sleep around as much as possible. Consider stripping. Or at least nude modeling. The point is: flaunt what you’ve got while you’ve got it, sister, because if you ever have a kid, that bod is a goner.

MB: I often think what I would tell a future daughter, like not letting anyone define her and how instead,  she should define her own abs. Is there any advice you might give your future self when you turn 60?

MG: If I were giving a 60 year old version of myself advice, I’d say:  I know you feel old and ugly, Megan, but think about it, if you live to be 100 like your grandmother Grano, 60 is basically only halfway there!  That means you’re still pretty darn young, relatively speaking. So go don a bikini, head to Santa Monica beach, and scare the crap out of the hot young volleyball players there!

MB: Terrifying. But that’s all the time we have for this week’s Coma Convo, so thanks for joining us, Megan. You can follow her Breakwomb videos on Facebook, like my mom and a bunch of other weird people. And to everyone else, convo next time! You can purchase your hot mom trucker hat here: Motherhood is Hot

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Is There An Easier Way To Mail Cherries?

May. 24 Opinion no comments
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By Stan Bargmeyer, Coma News Daily Intern, Father to Sadie Cracker and all-around-Alzheimer’s

It’s the time of year you start to see cherries in supermarkets and stores.  I really enjoy eating a good cherry.  It reminds me of summer and sunshine.

A friend of mine, Gus, lives on the other side of the country.  I’m always raving about how good the cherries in Coma are.  I decided I was going to get him some of those cherries this year!

I decided to mail him some cherries but it is turning out to be a real challenge.

cherries

Initially I just set some cherries in the mailbox with a little sticky note that included my friend’s name on it. My postman did not pick them up.  When I called the post office they said I needed to include an address and appropriate postage.

So I went to the office supply store in town and picked up some business-sized envelopes and some stamps.  When I got home I carefully opened one of the envelopes and placed about a half-dozen cherries inside.  I was disappointed about how few cherries the envelope held, but it would definitely be enough to give Gus an idea of how good these cherries were.

I sealed the enveloped and placed a stamp in the corner.  Then I tried to write the address on the envelope but the tip of my pen kept piercing the paper and it was really hard to write legibly on the misshapen envelope with the bulges of the cherries creating such an uneven writing space.

I decided to start over.  So I got a new envelope, placed some cherries inside, sealed it and went to write the address again (!) and again I had the same problem.  The penmanship was terrible.  I couldn’t even understand the writing.

So I tried again.  And again.  Finally, after five attempts (and five wasted stamps), I was able to produce a mostly legible address.  Excited, I took the envelope directly to my mailbox and set it inside.  I then went back into my house and called Gus to see if he had received my cherries yet (he had not).

I called him again the next day and the day after and still no cherries.  A week later there were still no cherries.  Finally, I went to check my mail one day and inside was my cherry letter.  It was covered in dark red blotches and looked as though it had been involved in a horrible and violent crime.  I looked closely at the letter and noticed a yellow stamp on the front that said “Undeliverable As Addressed.”

Oh boy! When did sending mail become so complicated?

As of this writing I have still not been able to successfully mail Gus his cherries.  There has to be a better way to do this but I’m at my wit’s end.  Fortunately, Gus will be visiting me this fall.  So I’m going to keep his returned letter in my desk and deliver it to him myself when he arrives.

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It Takes a Village to Crush a Place

May. 24 Sports no comments
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By Coma News Staff

Simmering social tensions boiled over in an explosion of sparkle powder and silly string during a recent middle school baseball game.

The kerfuffle came during Saturday’s highly anticipated face off between the Lean Innings team, sponsored by Coma’s new Wimin’s Vyllyge for divorced women, and the DivorceHers, sponsored by A Place for Those Guys, Coma’s assisted living facility for recently divorced men.

Let's face it. We've come a long way.

Let’s face it. We’ve come a long way.

Tensions on the field started to rise when the Wimin’s team started chants like “Hey Hey, Ho Ho, Your Patriarchy’s Got to Go!”

That led to increasingly childish chants led by DivorceHers’ coaches, like:
Coach: Who let the dogs out?!!
Players: Woof! Woof! Woof!

A place for those guys Front Page

Those Guys managed to get vertical for their recent baseball face-off with the Vyllyge people.

Real trouble started when an errant pitch from Marty Stouffer hit Katie Ramshackle. As the player walked to first base, Lean Innings coach Natalie Peters threatened to charge the pitcher with a pitcher of organic goat’s milk.

That led DiverceHers coach Alan Pezzati to spray a “defensive mist” between the two from his keg of Natural Light.

“She was showing the lack of leadership they have over there when it comes to playing baseball the right way,” Pezzati said.

Peters, furious, slowly went to talk to her player at first base.

The next batter, Justine Bateman, grounded to third, and Ramshakle slid into the second baseman, Billy Gonzalez, with all of her might.

That led to a Pezzati to throw peanuts and Cracker Jacks from the side of the field.

The slide was late, Gonzalez deftly stepping out of harm’s way but threw wildly to first base. No matter. In 2016, it’s an automatic double play.

Pezzati serenaded Ramshackle with a slurry “Nana Nana, Nana Nana, hey, hey, goosebye!”

That was apparently the final straw for the opposing coach who charged across the field and speared Pezzati with her hornless head.

Pezzati’s double beer-straw helmet and sunglasses flew off. His head, somehow, stayed on.

“She got me pretty good,’’ Pezzati said after the game, “so I have to give her that.’’

In a matter of seconds, both teams were on the field spraying silly string, throwing beer pretzels and dousing each other with random fluid containers.

“It takes a bigger man,’’ Pezzati said, “to knock me down.’’

It’s going to take a really big man, if not a crazed one, to ever think about taking on Peters again after that goring.

The game was called on account of “excessive imbecility.” And there likely will be plenty of suspensions in its aftermath.

Yet, when it was over, DivorceHers co-coach Dr. Jimmy seemed almost proud of everyone going all old-school.

“I take offense at anyone who doesn’t want to play this game hard, drunk, and violently.’’

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Sheriff Arrests Three in Flag Football-Fixing Probe

May. 24 Living no comments
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By Coma News Daily

Coma Sheriffs deputies spread out across Coma Monday to arrest three officials from the Coma Athletic Association on suspicion of flag football game-fixing.

The arrests stem from a probe into two games last week involving third and fourth grade students that allegedly were rigged.

During the investigation, Sheriff’s deputies said they uncovered a network of local officials linked by a pathological need for their children to win at every sport, no matter how inconsequential.

“We can say with certainty that in some flag football teams there are people who don’t just yank flags but also yank the chain of justice,” Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib said.

Chicago Bears v San Francisco 49ers

This guy was not participating in Coma flag football–not that it would have mattered if he did.

One league official, who also was the father of a player, allegedly took over officiating games without revealing his personal relationship to the other team. The opposing coach subsequently blamed several controversial calls with his team’s loss.

“I haven’t been able to sleep or eat all week since finding out our sport has been tainted like this,” said Micah Horncraft, coach of the losing team. “I have been able to drink, though, so no problem there.”

Football jersey

Kitten-based football teams are adorable–unlike the ugly game-fixing allegations swirling around Coma Flag Football.

One of the accused officials, Jax Owen, expressed little regret.

“What I can’t understand is how these parents can let their children lose games right in front of their eyes and not do a damn thing about it. Seriously, what’s wrong with them?” Owen said.

Another father and league score keeper allegedly inflated his son’s team’s score.

“It was bloody confusing because they were already winning–maybe he wanted a score that would make this a statement game, as they call it?” said Robert McGuiness, coach of the losing team.

Pending their trial before Alan Pezzati, the three are being held under house arrest.

Game manipulation has led to large-scale investigations in town in recent years, including a 2011 probe into the St Mary’s Easter Egg hunt and a 2013 review of allegations of steroid use during the baby pig races at the Coma County Fair.

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Does Old Car Pre-Date Human History?

May. 23 Living no comments
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By Coma News Daily Staff

According to a group of precocious teenage delinquents in Coma an old, rusted, abandoned car they found out in the woods may likely pre-date all of human history.  The young, budding archaeologists arrived at their shocking claim after spending an afternoon throwing rocks at the car, taking turns urinating in the front seat and trying to set in on fire.

old car 1

Some local residents believe this old car may pre-date human history

 

“Look at it,” urged ringleader Brett “Chili Bones” Davis.  “That car is older than shit. It has definitely been here since before Columbus killed all the Indians.”

According to Davis’ crew, the young man is probably not too far off on his claims.

“Scientists don’t have any way of knowing how old shit is,” offered Reginald “Lil’ Soap” Sully, the gang’s self-appointed enforcer.  “That car has weeds growing in the back seat!  You telling me it was just dumped here last week? I don’t think so,” added the 17-year old.

delinquents 2

Brett Davis and his friends hang out in an abandoned bunker after skate boarding and smoking menthol cigarettes all afternoon

Initially, members of the group estimated the car’s age to be 25 to 30 years old.  But Ricky Pox escalated the estimate to more than 100 years after unsuccessfully attempting to take a dump on the hood of the prehistoric automobile.

“It’s all rusting all to hell,” Pox said.  “It takes like a hundred years for rust to set in like that I think.”

It was Davis, however, who offered the most tantalizing and thorough hypothesis on the car’s true age.  After finish a cigarette and guaranteeing that he would be humping his girlfriend, Naomi Richards, in the backseat of that car real soon, Davis shared his theory on the car’s true age.

“I’ve never seen anything that old,” Davis began.  “Not even on TV shows or in school books.  It’s definitely older than the pyramids because they don’t got no rust on them.  That would make it a couple million years old or so.  Definitely older than humans.  Probably even older than dinosaurs or Chinese people or even water.”

At the time of publication, scientific verification on the precise age of the abandoned automobile was still pending.

chili davis timeline

Timeline developed by Brett “Chili Bones” Davis depicting the history of human technology and development

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Scientists Discover New Species of Fish

May. 23 News no comments
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By Coma News Daily Staff

A team of scientists in the town of Coma announced yesterday the discovery of a new species of fish. Scientists have named the new species Ichthyoid Coccinellidae, or Ladybug Fish.

“This is a magical and scientifically significant finding,” scientist Roy Childress said.  “This is such a unique and truly incredible new species.”

 

 

ladybug

Photo of a Ladybug Fish. Scientists said the new species has a striking resemblance to a Ladybug.

 

A team of scientists in the town of Coma announced yesterday the discovery of a new species of fish. Scientists have named the new species Ichthyoid Coccinellidae, or Ladybug Fish.

“This is a magical and scientifically significant finding,” scientist Roy Childress said.  “This is such a unique and truly incredible new species.”

Scientists described the new species as an extremely rare type of fish that lives on land and bears a striking resemblance to ladybugs.  Unlike most fish, Ladybug Fish do not have gills, are the same size as ladybugs and look exactly like common ladybugs in every conceivable manner.

“If you didn’t know the difference, you would swear it’s a regular, garden-variety ladybug,” Childress said.

Childress added that scientists believe the Ladybug fish is the only fish in the world that cannot survive under water.

“Unfortunately, it would appear that evolution has not been kind to the Ladybug Fish in terms of preparing it to survive underwater,” Childress said.  “If you submerge a Ladybug Fish in water for more than a few minutes, you will kill it. You will kill the poor little Ladybug Fish”

Scientists would not elaborate further on the new species but a report is expected to appear in the popular fish magazine “Keeping It Reel” in January.

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