By T.S.  John, Coma News future reporter

Coma’s first Winter Puppet Show, Wiffle Ball and Hummel Convention at the Coma Expo Center and Grain Elevator will take a violent turn on Saturday when discontented spectators unleash their violent dissatisfaction.

The rioting by more than 50 five- to seven-year-old children will occur during a performance of “Pinocchio” by the Peaceful Puppeteers. The young spectators, many of whom were unsupervised after their parents dropped them off at what was supposed to be a one-hour show with free babysitting, will begin wielding complementary wiffle ball bats at each other and everything around them after the puppets fail to move or speak for 20 minutes, this reporter leaned in a peyote-fueled fever dream.

The disappointing puppet show will be blamed on the puppeteers’ philosophy that they cannot insert their hands or manipulate the strings of their play figures without the puppets ‘auditory approval’.

This Frog Prince puppet and his frog puppet have yet to allow the puppeteers to insert their hands or speak for them.

“I think children of all people will be able to appreciate our effort to gain the permission of these small vulnerable creatures,” said Mayor Dave Anderson, who organized of the puppet troop and poo-pooed the possibility of discontented puppet-viewers rioting.

Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib and his deputies will quickly bring the riot under control when they finally agree to investigate the event after repeatedly hanging up on callers screaming “They’re killing my Hummels!”

The damage will mainly consist of about $500 worth of smashed Hummels and other types of porcelain figurines, although an unspecified amount of candy and sodas also will be looted from the gathered vendors.

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By Jonny Reynolds, Coma News reporter, does not have social phobia

Coma Fire and Police officials are still untangling the mess of a 12-emergency-vehicle pile-up Saturday at the end of another high stress work day.

The debacle occurred as the vehicles were slowly circling the Coma Emergency Services Center Monday night so emergency workers could allow the adrenaline coursing through their veins to slowly drain from their exhausted and sweat-soaked bodies. Here’s five early outcomes:

1) Celebrations of catching that long-sought serial pet killer and putting out that 24-alarm barn burner were both put off for 24 hours.

2) Police and fire personnel involved in the accident exhausted the town’s supply of comfort blankets and post-emergency coffee, so let’s be careful out there until these supplies can be  replenished.

3) Twelve more vehicles are now available for this summer’s Coma County Fair demolition derby–some still have working lights and sirens!

4) Until replacement vehicles are found, the only unmarked police cars with mirror-mounted spotlights will be those driven by pizza delivery drivers and their friends.

5) If police wave you down, please stop your vehicle because there’s no way they’re going to be able to catch you whether they are walking or riding bikes.

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The following is Serious, part of a year-long investigative series by Coma News Daily into the disappearance of a former editor, Don Johnson Michaels.

by Jonny Reynolds, reporter, who is not Ryan Reynolds and does not have social phobia

What does it mean to be a local journalism legend?

For Don Johnson Micheals, it meant first being a friend.

The best testament to Michaels’ friendship skills was his memorial service–held after he went missing last year and was presumed dead. Michaels achieved in death what so many hope for in life: a standing room crowd of friends testifying to their love of the man, followed by the release of tear gas.

We here at Serious thought thought there might be some clues about Michaels’ location–or at least where he might have been headed when he rode off a year ago–by sitting down and talking with a few of those friends.

Thomas Steven John, a Coma News reporter, organized the memorial service.

Serious: So I’m curious why you decided to have mourners show up in costumes.

John: Well, it was a Show and Tell-themed memorial service. So the costumes were part of mourners’ re-enactments of their favorite Michaels-related memories.

Serious: And what did you re-enact?

John: Me and some of the other reporters did a scene from one of the many times our boss threatened our lives.

Serious: He tried to kill you?

John: No, he wasn’t serious, usually. He’d just say stuff like ‘Don’t make me go out to my car and get my baseball bat.’

Serious: Oh, so it was just rhetorical.

John: No, he had a bat. He used to smash stuff on my desk with it all the time.

Michaels was more than a workaholic. He spent much of his personal time caring for animals on the massive estate of his employer, Coma News publisher Davis Montgomery III, where Michaels lived in a barn.

Town Councilwoman Natalie Peters knew Michaels from her time riding show ponies at the stables. Her upset about Michaels’ disappearance is still obvious.

Peters: That memorial service was totally ruined by a group of loud drunken Scotchmen.

Serious: It’s hard saying goodbye to a friend.

Peters: Who? Oh yeah, him. Anyway, you should should really investigate why none of those drunken hillbillies were charged with disturbing the service and upsetting the animals I brought to take participate.

Serious: Where do you think he went?

Peters: What, Michaels? I don’t know, I assumed he stole a horse so he could sell it and move to Tijuana. Isn’t that what every alcoholic dreams about?

Several of the intoxicated mourners who Peters was referring, who included Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib, declined to talk to Serious.
Even a year later, the loss remains too painful to discuss.

When asked to comment, Coma Mayor Dave Anderson said simply “I thought we had all agreed to never talk about that weirdo.”

Next time on Serious: How was Michaels’ health, and could a festering case of gonorrhea have led to his strange departure? We sit down with his doctor next to ask these and other burning questions.

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