Archive for: April 2016

‘Peaceful’ Riot Coming

By T.S.  John, Coma News future reporter

Coma’s first Winter Puppet Show, Wiffle Ball and Hummel Convention at the Coma Expo Center and Grain Elevator will take a violent turn on Saturday when discontented spectators unleash their violent dissatisfaction.

The rioting by more than 50 five- to seven-year-old children will occur during a performance of “Pinocchio” by the Peaceful Puppeteers. The young spectators, many of whom were unsupervised after their parents dropped them off at what was supposed to be a one-hour show with free babysitting, will begin wielding complementary wiffle ball bats at each other and everything around them after the puppets fail to move or speak for 20 minutes, this reporter leaned in a peyote-fueled fever dream.

The disappointing puppet show will be blamed on the puppeteers’ philosophy that they cannot insert their hands or manipulate the strings of their play figures without the puppets ‘auditory approval’.

This Frog Prince and his frog have yet to allow the puppeteers to insert their hands or speak for them.

This Frog Prince puppet and his frog puppet have yet to allow the puppeteers to insert their hands or speak for them.

“I think children of all people will be able to appreciate our effort to gain the permission of these small vulnerable creatures,” said Mayor Dave Anderson, who organized of the puppet troop and poo-pooed the possibility of discontented puppet-viewers rioting.

Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib and his deputies will quickly bring the riot under control when they finally agree to investigate the event after repeatedly hanging up on callers screaming “They’re killing my Hummels!”

The damage will mainly consist of about $500 worth of smashed Hummels and other types of porcelain figurines, although an unspecified amount of candy and sodas also will be looted from the gathered vendors.

Opinion: The Graduate

The following commentary is the opinion of a citizen of the Town of Coma but does not represent the views of Coma News Daily.


Sadie Cracker

My son Jimmy had a practice for his May graduation ceremony yesterday.

Jimmy’s four years old.

His graduation from preschool is our latest experience with the trend of ever-increasing celebrations at the end of any academic year.

You probably remember a time when the only graduation was for high school. That’s because you’re old.

You can graduate from every important event in your life. All you need is a blank diploma and a life event.

You can graduate from every important event in your life. All you need is a blank diploma and a life event.

Now, we have graduated cylinders, Gerber Graduates, and graduations from every one of the K-12s.

All this celebrating may make high school graduation anti-climatic. But the bright side is that 12 years of dry runs should leave kids thoroughly prepared for their high school ceremonies.

If my husband was still with us, he would probably argue against attending our four year old’s graduation from the House of the Little Peoples, especially since the keynote speaker is Spazzo the clown–someone my husband despised.

Coma Council member Bob Smith-Smith spends his weekends in Coma as Spazzo the Clown.

Coma Council member Bob Smith-Smith spends his weekends as Spazzo the Clown.

At the graduation practice yesterday a small child walked up to me and asked if I had any “issues.”

I was shocked and then a little excited that a budding future therapist was apparently offering me a free counseling session.

But little Ollie Singleton has lost his baby front teeth so “tissues” doesn’t come out right. It was a pretty good reminder that sometimes we shouldn’t take four year olds–or their graduations–too seriously.

Sadie Cracker is a columnist for Coma News.

Opinion: I Wish People Would Stop Laughing Just Because I Love Cream Pies

by Stan Bargmeyer


I don’t know what everybody-in-the-world’s problem is but I’m tired of people laughing at me just because I enjoy cream pies.  Any time I bring this up, people shake their head and laugh.  Like really loving a delicious cream pie is funny.  I don’t get it.

If I tell people I like licorice, nobody laughs or chuckles or anything.  If I tell them I enjoy making Hamburger Helper, they just kind of nod and move on.  But if I mention how much I adore cream pies, they act like a bunch of teenagers and shake their head and laugh and giggle.  It makes no sense to me.


So what if I like cream pies? I’m sure lots of people do.  I wonder if they get laughed at for admitting it? I wonder if any of them have even tried a cream pie.  If they did, they probably wouldn’t be laughing.  They’d probably want to high-five me and say “I love those too, Stan.”

I think my favorite kind of cream pie is chocolate. I like how rich and creamy it is.  It’s kind of sweet too.  It makes me smile just thinking about it.

I enjoy visiting my friends Shannon and Edward.  Every time I go see them, I have cream pie.  They don’t ever laugh about how much I enjoy their cream pie.  They act like mature, grown-up people.

A few weeks ago I was having dinner with friends and someone asked me what my favorite dessert was.  I told them I really love cream pie.  Everyone at the table started to laugh and one fella said “I bet you do you dirty old man.” They all got a big laugh about it.  Why would he “bet” that I liked cream pies.  I just told him I liked cream pies.  No wagering necessary because I already admitted that I love cream pies.  That makes no sense to me.

One thing that is becoming clear to me as I get older is that the world is becoming a much stranger place.  It’s even a little scary sometimes. I don’t know what words are going to make people act funny.  People are getting weirder and weirder as I get older and older.

I think they all need to slow down and enjoy a cream pie.  If everybody had some cream pie every day, I think the world would be a much happier place.





Coma Community Calendar

whats happening

Stranger in a Not Strange Town

Hey, everybody. I just wanted to post a notice about a visitor staying with me for a while, in case you see him wandering around town or biking down your street.

Todd the Traveler is a tall dude with blonde dreadlocks and a beard.

He’s super friendly and would love to get to know everyone if you have time stop and say hello.

Bigfoot Taco Bell

He’s really into sustainable foraging and can let you know about all kinds of edible berries and mushrooms in our local woodlands.

Todd is also a Sasquatch.

So it goes without saying that Todd’s really not into aggressive dogs, fire or tasers.

So if you see Todd, say ‘Hi.’ Then say ‘Me, friend.’ Then get ready to get your ear chewed off by the warmest series of grunts and clicks you’ve ever heard!


Wanted: Double Stroller

I’m urgently in need of a double baby stroller if anyone knows someone looking to give away or sell one cheap. I’m a new mom and after being stuck in the house for several weeks our family is ready to burst!

I tried a regular stroller but with my two bundles of joy–a feral cat and an adolescent wolverine–but it wasn’t working out. My kids are just not sharers–frowny face!

Also, if anyone has any extra welding gloves or a steel face shield that’d be super, too. Motherhood is so much more rewarding than I thought it would be but like the lady says, it takes a village. Namaste!

5 Ways a Pile-Up Ruined Post-Work Cool Down

By Jonny Reynolds, Coma News reporter, does not have social phobia


Coma Fire and Police officials are still untangling the mess of a 12-emergency-vehicle pile-up Saturday at the end of another high stress work day.

The debacle occurred as the vehicles were slowly circling the Coma Emergency Services Center Monday night so emergency workers could allow the adrenaline coursing through their veins to slowly drain from their exhausted and sweat-soaked bodies. Here’s five early outcomes:

1) Celebrations of catching that long-sought serial pet killer and putting out that 24-alarm barn burner were both put off for 24 hours.

2) Police and fire personnel involved in the accident exhausted the town’s supply of comfort blankets and post-emergency coffee, so let’s be careful out there until these supplies can be  replenished.

3) Twelve more vehicles are now available for this summer’s Coma County Fair demolition derby–some still have working lights and sirens!

4) Until replacement vehicles are found, the only unmarked police cars with mirror-mounted spotlights will be those driven by pizza delivery drivers and their friends.

5) If police wave you down, please stop your vehicle because there’s no way they’re going to be able to catch you whether they are walking or riding bikes.

Serious–Part 4: Friendship Time

The following is Serious, part of a year-long investigative series by Coma News Daily into the disappearance of a former editor, Don Johnson Michaels.

by Jonny Reynolds, reporter, who is not Ryan Reynolds and does not have social phobia


What does it mean to be a local journalism legend?

For Don Johnson Micheals, it meant first being a friend.

The best testament to Michaels’ friendship skills was his memorial service–held after he went missing last year and was presumed dead. Michaels achieved in death what so many hope for in life: a standing room crowd of friends testifying to their love of the man, followed by the release of tear gas.

We here at Serious thought thought there might be some clues about Michaels’ location–or at least where he might have been headed when he rode off a year ago–by sitting down and talking with a few of those friends.

Thomas Steven John, a Coma News reporter, organized the memorial service.

Serious: So I’m curious why you decided to have mourners show up in costumes.

John: Well, it was a Show and Tell-themed memorial service. So the costumes were part of mourners’ re-enactments of their favorite Michaels-related memories.

Serious: And what did you re-enact?

John: Me and some of the other reporters did a scene from one of the many times our boss threatened our lives.

Serious: He tried to kill you?

John: No, he wasn’t serious, usually. He’d just say stuff like ‘Don’t make me go out to my car and get my baseball bat.’

Serious: Oh, so it was just rhetorical.

John: No, he had a bat. He used to smash stuff on my desk with it all the time.

Michaels was more than a workaholic. He spent much of his personal time caring for animals on the massive estate of his employer, Coma News publisher Davis Montgomery III, where Michaels lived in a barn.

Town Councilwoman Natalie Peters knew Michaels from her time riding show ponies at the stables. Her upset about Michaels’ disappearance is still obvious.

Peters: That memorial service was totally ruined by a group of loud drunken Scotchmen.

Serious: It’s hard saying goodbye to a friend.

Peters: Who? Oh yeah, him. Anyway, you should should really investigate why none of those drunken hillbillies were charged with disturbing the service and upsetting the animals I brought to take participate.

Serious: Where do you think he went?

Peters: What, Michaels? I don’t know, I assumed he stole a horse so he could sell it and move to Tijuana. Isn’t that what every alcoholic dreams about?

Several of the intoxicated mourners who Peters was referring, who included Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib, declined to talk to Serious.
Even a year later, the loss remains too painful to discuss.

When asked to comment, Coma Mayor Dave Anderson said simply “I thought we had all agreed to never talk about that weirdo.”

Next time on Serious: How was Michaels’ health, and could a festering case of gonorrhea have led to his strange departure? We sit down with his doctor next to ask these and other burning questions.

Coma Weekly Police Blotter

blotter 1


March 28, 2016, 1: 48 pm – Coma Sheriff’s Office was informed by Coma resident Marlee Bumgardner that an area family is taking over the minds of local dogs and turning them against their owners. Bumgardener used her dog Bobo as a witness stating he used to like to dress in a tutu and now he simply refuses and pees on her leg when she tries to dress him. The Sherriff was advised that the only way to protect a dog is to install anti-force field devises on a dog’s head before letting it go outside. No charges have been filed and the accusations could not be verified.

March 30, 2016, 4:15 pm- A Coma man was arrested inside a grain elevator at the farm of Davis Montgomery. The man was naked but was reportedly clothed when he entered.  When asked by Coma Sherriff Paul T. Frostnib why he was in the elevator the man responded in a confused manner that he, “believed it was a shower.” No charges were filed.

March 31, 2016, 2:32 am – A woman called in to the Coma Sherriff’s office to request a deputy come by her house in the morning to speak with her housekeeper who is not “putting away towels properly”.