Archive for: April 2016

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.


[FreecycleComa] offer: BREASTFEEDING MOMS – Milkscreen Test Kit for Alcohol in Breast Milk

For pick up near the Coma Library. I’ll leave it in a bag. There are only three tests left. I don’t think they are accurate because I only drank a half a bottle of wine and the baby seemed to sleep better.
Thanks. Email me with a two hour window of time.
[FreecycleComa] 4.5′ Christmas tree, ok condition but no stand

Are you looking for an artificial tree? Does your tree have to have pine needles on it? It comes with no stand so you have to figure out how to balance it. The lights, pre-strung, are no longer working so you can’t just light it up. I think it would only take 150 lights. You might need to get some pine needles too.


It’s yours: just confirm with an email, and come to the front stoop, ring the doorbell and I will throw it outside.


Christmas Tree 2012


Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) .
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]– Cannot be “wanted mate” or “wanted sex” or “wanted a hot chick”
– RECEIVED: stapler [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

Spring Cleaning to Overwhelm Coma Landfill

By Thomas Steven John, future news reporter, Coma News Daily
An unprecedented spring cleaning bug will infect Coma residents this coming weekend, resulting in the temporary shutdown of the Coma Landfill Saturday and Sunday, Coma News has learned.

The first-time closure of Coma’s refuse collection facility came to this reporter in a peyote-fueled fever dream.

There are no storm troopers in Coma however someone will throw out this costume rather than putting it on Craigslist.

Although there are no actual storm troopers in Coma, someone will throw out this costume rather than putting it on Craigslist.

“Not gonna happen, never happened, and never will happen,” Moab Johnson, owner of the dump, said when told of the impending closure of his facility. The trash receiver could be overwhelmed only i  “every man, woman and child in Coma swarmed the facility to toss useless crap, ” he said.

The eventual useless-crap-throwing-mob will only include about one-third of the town’s population but their deposits will be swollen by a town-wide Internet failure that will render Freecycle and Craigslist inaccessible.
“Oh, no. I’m going to donate these really wonderful items I don’t need anymore to charity,” Town Councilwoman Natalie Peters said when told she will haul four van loads of crap to the dump.
“I only have to wait until next week for them to pick it up.”

8 Things to know About Coma’s Deer Sobriety Checkpoints

By Jonny Reynolds, Staff Writer, Does Not Have Social Phobia


How do you solve a problem like a drunk deer? Coma’s Sheriff says it’s time to give checkpoints a try.

April may be National Deer Collision Month but Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib hopes to make a dent in that tradition. “Deer in this town like knocking back a few drinks as much as anyone else but that’s no reason to take it on the road,” Frostnib said. Here’s what you should know about the Sheriff’s deer sobriety checkpoints going up around town this weekend.


1) Before you ask, yes, drunk deering is a big problem in town. How else do you explain numerous reports of deer smashing into stopped vehicles, Frostnib said.

2) “An impaired deer is like a drunk motorcycle blasting out of the woods and into the side of your car. Terrifying and unnecessary,” Frostnib said.

3) “Only someone drunk as a skunk could run headlong through you truck’s grill, fall out of your engine compartment, and then stumble off into the woods,” warned Frostnib.

4) Deer encountering the sobriety checkpoints will be stopped briefly. When there is an indication that a deer may be under the influence of alcohol or a controlled substance, or if they are in violation of any other Coma Wildlife Code, they will be detained for further investigation.

5) It’s the kind of thing you might think would make wildlife advocates sad, but not so said the Coma Deer Alliance. They put out a statement observing April as Drunken Animal Jerks Awareness Month.

6) “Buck and doe alcohol abuse comes in many forms, including underage drinking, drunk deering and excessive consumption,” said President John Deere.

7) It’s unknown how many deer around Coma have substance abuse problems but based on collision rates Frostnib estimates 80 percent of the roughly 4,000 deer around town could suffer from the condition.

8) “We think about these issues all year long, but it’s good to have a month to remind Coma deer that before they tie one on, they need to tie themselves to a tree,” Deere said

Third Verse, Same as the First

By Sadie Cracker, Coma News Daily Columnist

Recently, the publisher at Coma News Daily asked me to write about something other than “a sad bar where no one goes anymore.”

So I walked around town. I went  through the Blair Witch walking park where you can’t go anywhere that isn’t either scary or Starbucks.

And I kept walking. And walking.

Until I ended here, back at Bear’s Biker Bar.

My dad, Stan, is talking with Bear, who is 32 and a former skate rat. I don’t know how they became friends but there they are.

“What would you differently if you had life to do over?” Dad said.

“You know, I probably would’ve loved more,” Bear said.

“No. You wouldn’t. You would have failed again,” Dad said.

My father doesn’t know much anymore. He forgets his name is Stan. He forgets his pants.


“You know who would’ve done something differently? Sadie.” My dad points to me.

It’s that point where I spit beer down my front because that idea is comical.

How could it be different–without the human beings I brought into the world and the love I felt for a man? That happiness and pain.


Charlie Chaplin, a guy known for not talking, once said, “A man cannot go back. He thinks he can, but other things have happened to his life. He had new ideas, new friends, new attachments. He doesn’t belong to his past except that the past has, perhaps, made marks on him.”

Then Judge Alan Pezzati and Dr. Jimmy walk in. They’ve just gotten off of coaching the boys on how to run bases. And of course they flank me–I’m the only woman in this bar.

“Sadie needs a guy to love her,” Dad yells.

Bear laughs. I give him the one-finger salutation.

“Oh yeah, let’s hear all about Sadie,” Pezzati said.

Not Jimmy. He’s making the cut-her-off symbol.

“It’s supposed to be happy hour. You don’t want Sadie’s story,” he said.

I look at Jimmy and wonder if Micheal would’ve remembered how to love if we’d made it to our 40s and been together. If he hadn’t died on me and left me alone to figure this out by myself.

And I realize that I wouldn’t do this life any differently. I would make the same choices and embrace every single one.

Bear yells from the far end of the bar, “Sadie’s too good for all y’all. She’s love.”

I laugh and am saved by Charlie the Coma librarian walking in with his guitar. He’s been reading some bad YA lit book at the library’s “Cool Kids Books for Adult Kids” session

“Let’s play Eva Cassidy’s ‘True Colors,'” I said.

Charlie winks and starts tuning his guitar.

“I’d like to introduce Sadie Cracker on bass, who would’ve loved bass no matter where her life took her,”  Charlie said. “And who is so old now she can only play three to four songs from memory, folks.”

Baseball, American Style

By Coma News Daily Staff

Residents of Coma’s assisted living facility for recently divorced men figure they have a collective 2,807 years of baseball-watching experience between them.

They plan to offer those collective learnings–along with an encyclopedic knowledge of women–to Coma’s impressionable youth, by sponsoring a middle school league baseball team.

Co-coaches Dr. Jimmy and Alan Pezzati, owner of Alan’s Vape and Vinyl, were vague on the prospects for their team, called the DivorceHers, but certain that the 11-13-year-old players would learn a lot.

“These boys need to understand the difference between a double and a homerun and who better to teach them than a couple guys who have rounded the bases with more nubile 22 year olds than I can count,” said Pezzati.

Dr. Jimmy described his coaching philosophy as “self-exploratory” and plans to encourage players to find their “inherent amazery.”

A place for those guys large ad

Coma’s newest middle school baseball coaches hope to inappropriately redefine “safety squeeze,” “spitters,” and “spray hitters” during the new season.

His first coaching lesson? That adolescent players get in touch with themselves and their feelings about the sport.

“If they can’t first make themselves happy, they’ll never be able to make their teammates happy,” Dr. Jimmy said.

Players who are exhausted by standing around in the outfield will be encouraged to lay down and nap, while those who are hungry can snap for their moms to run out sandwiches to them.

The DivorceHers coaches were not concerned that they likely will face other teams who treat baseball more like a serious sport and less as a thought experiment.

“The only people who should be afraid are the older sisters and unusually young mothers–assuming they’re all legal age and somewhat attractive,” Pezzati said.

Other residents of a Place for Those Guys plan to support the team with “special brownie” bake sales, beer can collection drives, and by attending games that are not too far of a walk for someone pulling a cooler.

“It’s really about showing these kids that they don’t need to accomplish anything to become something,” said Dr. Jimmy.

One Coma mom was supportive of the historic team.

“The league sounds amazing so I’m totally planning on having my boys sign up,” said Sadie Cracker. “Sounds like something that will turn out as well as the outdoor spin class or jean racers did.”

30 Dates for Science

The following is blog by a Coma resident excerpted as a community service by Coma New Daily.

30 Dates for Science
By Dr. Jimmy, Coma Physician and former raver

This is a modern scientific dating experiment. One medical doctor. Thirty dates. Thirty scientific hypotheses.


First Date: Veggies, Check

This “date” was a real world examination of the validity of the FDA’s conclusion that less than 10 percent of U.S. adults eat the recommended daily amount of vegetables. And if true, can it be corrected?

I selected this as the first of the series of experiments because it seemed like a simple scientific challenge. I mean, what strapping young lass (SYL) doesn’t love salad or a plain head of lettuce?

I arranged to meet up with SYL during happy hour at Coma’s premier single’s bar/family Chinese restaurant.

Me: Do you want to take these drinks over to the dining room and grab some dinner?

SYL: I don’t really do dinner.

Me: Oh well, would you join me while I eat a wholesome, delicious salad full of locally scavenged ingredients?

SYL: Uh, no?

Me: Then how about we just grab a veggie platter appetizer right here at the bar?

SYL: What are you even talking about? Please stop. Please stop right now.

Some of her “lifelong buds” (LLBs) stopped by the bar to drink a trough of wine and we all started chatting: them about music, movies, and ways you can inhale white wine; me about vegetables. How great are they? How many do you eat per day? Raw or cooked?

When SYL steps out for a moment, I turn to her friends:

Me: (intoxicated) Does she like vegetables?

LLB1: She loves vegetables.

The rest of the night was a blur. After I gave up on getting SYL to switch to Bloody Marys, I focused on ensuring her Martinis had extra, extra, extra olives.

So, did this medical scientist succeed in getting SYL to the full three cups of FDA recommended daily servings of vegetables? I have no idea because the scientific rigors of my double blind study were thoroughly blinded by Chinese liquors. Despite that, I like to think I helped this young woman achieve at least one day of adequate vegetable intake.

Totes tomatoes.

Town to Host Depression Party

Who isn’t filled with joy by a historical era-themed costume party?
The Coma Town Council is betting on the universal ability of a costume party to turn the town’s collective frown upside down with the approval this week of a new Great Depression Days fundraiser in April.

All eyes will be on on the latest 1930s styles modeled by Coma’s fashion elite, who will grace the red carpet during the town’s highly anticipated Depression Days festival.

In addition to raising money for charity depression treatment at Coma Medical Center, Mayor Dave Anderson hopes that putting on overalls, snacking on leather belts and dancing barefoot will both entertain residents and “slap some sense into them”.
“We’ve gotten a lot of emails and letters about some of the town’s new fines, including the $50 fine for each time a buzzard lands on your property,” Anderson said. “Now’s the time to remind them what real suffering is about and if that takes making them relive the breadlines of the 30s, then so be it.”
The depression era themed party will take place on Saturday at the Coma Civic Center and Grain Elevator.
The fundraiser drew opposition from one Council member.


Councilman Jax Owen says he prefers more refined events, like last year’s Coma PTA Platform Shoe and Coke Party fundraiser.

“I like a roaring 20s party or a big 70s disco blowout but what the heck is a depression party?” said Jax Owen. “No booze and chicks in overalls? Not gonna do it.”
The criticism drew the opposite of a nonplussed reaction from Anderson.
“There are lots of people who say it can get worse but these bellyachers need to see how bad it can get,”
Entrance to the party requires either half of your weekly take-home income, eight garbage bags of empty soups cans, or the donation of a day’s labor on the 900-acre estate of Davis Montgomery III, publisher of Coma News Daily.

No drinks or food will be provided.
There will be banjo music.

Sports Brief: Unicycle Polo Tournament This Weekend

normalBy Coma News Daily Staff

The Unicycle Polo Tournament will still happen this weekend despite inclement weather and tire pressure loss.

Most participants agreed that last year’s tournament made the annual unicycle jousting match seem timid in comparison.

“The main problem is that staying on a unicycle while playing polo is difficult,” said Robert McGuiness, former reporter for Coma News Daily. “I would rather be playing pool because you can drink alcohol while playing pool but no way can you drink and stay on a unicycle.”

In 1994, the World unicycling championships (UNICON) were in Minneapolis, Minn. The venue was double-booked with a Hockey tournament. After unicyling hundreds of miles along frozen Minnesota highways, participants weren’t about to quit. So the only logical choice was to combine unicyling with hockey. Eight teams participated: Bochum (Germany), Canada, Germany, LAHIMO (Germany), Puerto Rico, TCUC (USA), USA, and a mixed team. Germany beat LAHIMO 10 to 9 in a very exciting championship final.

Some of the earliest inventors of unicycle polo found it a great way to excersize and create team spirit.

Some of the earliest proponents of unicycle polo found it a great way to exercise and create team spirit.

These tournaments have continued and Coma Sports is hoping to field a team for 2016 and to be the first unincorporated town to join in the festivities as an unofficial town located somewhere in the United States.

“We haven’t found our David Beckham or Hulk Hogan, yet,” said Coma Mayor Dave Anderson. “We have several prospects but the Octopush underwater polo training really narrowed the field. The Rec Center posted a sign saying you do not need to know how to breath underwater to participate, which isn’t the case. You do need to know how to breathe underwater for Octopush. Most people could not.”

The Tournament will happen on Saturday at 1pm at the Coma Basketball field and Basketball Bigfoot might make an appearance to take “pictures with the kids.” As a friendly reminder, anyone showing up on a bicycle will be arrested and anyone showing up on a horse will have their horse arrested.