March 2016 - Page 2 of 3

Archive for: March 2016

Opinion: Stop Putting Labels On Me

Mar. 16 Opinion no comments

by Micah Horncraft

I’d like to ask that starting today, my friends, family and even strangers begin referring to me as Dragon Master X. For some time now I’ve been working on cultivating a “brand” if you will. This has been a painstaking process but one that has been worthwhile. It’s time to take the next step.

People that know me understand that if we were living in some alternate fantasy world where dragons, elves and giant trolls lived amongst us, I would definitely be some sort of legendary dragon slayer. It is only proper that my name reflect the fortitude, courage and sword-skills I would undoubtedly possess in Lystero, which is what my kingdom would definitely be called. You know it would.

What bothers me is that sometimes people act like I would NOT be some awesome warrior who slayed dragons and restored freedom to the many territories and fiefdoms across the land. It’s as if those people have never met me.

I challenge anyone to find even ONE characteristic that suggests I wouldn’t be able to wield Fangar, the mighty sword of Beckenhollar, forged in the blood of one-hundred kings. Or find some evidence that I wouldn’t be able to mount a dragon through a hail of fire and ash and drive my blade through its thick and rugged flesh.

Dragon Master X (formerly Micah Horncraft), challenges anyone to demonstrate he would NOT be a bad-ass dragon slayer

When I introduce myself as Dragon Master X, people will be like “of course, that name suits him so well.”

When I tell people they can call me Dragon Master X, or Dragon Master for short, they will nod and say “that’s exactly the name I would of guessed for you.”

I understand that there may be some transition involved. People who have known me for years by my mortal name, Micah, will likely have to break old habits. I accept this will not change overnight. I’m a patient man, as any lord of dragon slaying would be. Please know when I correct you, it is not done out of frustration or anger, but simply as a way to help you understand the new reality.

That being said, if in like six months you are still calling me Micah, I’m going to be irritated and may even walk off in a huff. I’m sure it won’t get to that point though.

For those of you who are still unsure about my new name, I’d like you to try something; close your eyes, clear your mind and then say to yourself the words Dragon Master X. Whose image pops into your head?

I rest my case.

Thank you for your understanding.

Regards,

Dragon Master X

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Outdoor Exercise Class ‘Spins’ Out of Control

Mar. 16 Living no comments

By Coma News Staff

Following a mobile spin class accident that injured six people, the Coma Town Council is reconsidering a previous resolution encouraging residents to get “more outdoor activity”.

The injuries occured after Marybell Davis, a local resident, created a new exercise class that mounted stationary spin equipment on a flatbed truck and drove students around town.

Repeated injuries occurred as the truck stopped suddenly for cows, people, and slow moving vehicles–like the bus for the Coma active living community.

“It was a great idea until we realized that we would have to stop for essentially anything that moves.” said Sadie Cracker who was driving the truck. “The idea of being outside and moving while on a stationary bike was amazing until the reality of a flatbed truck sunk in”.

Putting the cycling excersize class on a flatbed blaring music added a new dangerous 'spin' to the activity.

Putting the cycling exercise class on a flat bed blaring music added a new dangerous ‘spin’ to the activity.

Three people received minor concussions from falling off the the flatbed truck. Four people had sprains and one person had a broken arm. Stan Bargemeyer of Coma stubbed his toe while trying to climb in to the truck.

“I thought since we tied all the bikes down real tight everything would be fine.” said Marybell Davis, Coma private investigator and mobile spin class creator, who added “LOL.”

There are many ideas proposed to add “safety ” to the curriculum of the mobile flatbed outdoor spin class. One idea from Mayor Anderson was to “ride a bicycle outside, instead.” But that was rejected by members of the Town Council, including Natalie Peters who said that “wasn’t enough.” Peters suggested seat belts, protective body suits with padding and maybe even NASCAR-themed helmets for the-outdoor-flat-bed-spin students.

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Did Aliens Build This Coma Convenience Store?

Mar. 16 Living no comments

By Coma News Daily Staff

Life-long Coma resident Steven Phillips has lived in the same house with his mom and aunt for the past 35 years. According to Phillips, he knows his neighborhood “extra real good.” That is precisely why he was shocked to recently discover the small, run-down Welsh Farms convenience store located one block south from his home in Coma.

Welsh Farm Convenience Store, which one local resident claims was built overnight by aliens

“That blew my mind, you know?” Phillips said. “How can a store like that not be there one day but then suddenly be there the next day?”

“Stoner” Steve Phillips insists aliens constructed a local convenience store overnight

For the 47-year old Phillips, there is only one practical explanation; aliens. According to Phillips, who friends lovingly refer to as “Stoner Steve”, alien life forms must have cleared the land, laid foundation, ran all necessary utilities, framed, roofed, painted, decorated and fully stocked the small unassuming convenience store in less than a 24-hour period.

“Aliens have all kinds of crazy technology and they can do stuff like that. A lot of the technology we have today is because they taught it to us. Like the microwave, pants and…I don’t know…the internet?” Phillips said from his basement bedroom, adding “what really freaks me out is, okay, you build this store but what was there the day before? Start thinking about that.”

Critics, notably Wayne Welsh, owner of the convenience store that bears his name, are not convinced the store is the result of alien efforts.

“Considering this store has sat in this very spot for more than 35 years is probably the best evidence that it wasn’t recently built by aliens overnight,” Welsh said. “What’s even more troubling is that Steven used to be our paperboy. The guy delivered newspapers to our store every day for almost two years.”

Phillips denied any knowledge of delivering papers to the convenience store and suggests it’s likely part of some larger cover story to protect the truth from getting out into “human space places.” Phillips may not be alone, however. According to one of Stoner Steve’s long-time associates, Curly “Munch” Higgins, Phillips may be on to something.

“Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude,” Higgins said. “If Stoner Steve says that’s true then it probably is. Did you know the government has these special bicycles that you can ride to the moon? Steve knows all about stuff like that.”

For his part, Phillips is adamant that his theory is true and that evidence will eventually prove him right.

“I’m just going to chill out here in my mom’s basement and wait for all everything to go down and then everyone will come running to me to tell me I was right and I’ll just be like; ‘Yeah’.”

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Conflict Gnaws at Town Council

Mar. 15 News no comments

by Jonny Reynolds, News Reporter, Does Not Have Social Phobia

Contrary to popular myth, bringing a rat to a dinner party does not bring peace and tranquility.

The Coma Town Council discovered that painful reality after its newest member was accused of uncivil rhetoric.

The legislative body planned a special organizational meeting Saturday after an apparent rift appeared between Councilmember Master Splinter–a rodent–and Councilwoman Natalie Peters, the human who initially proposed an animal representative on the Council.

The kerfluffle stemmed from Councilmember Splinter’s newfound support for a controversial initiative to replace seating for the public and journalists with history-making legislative Cheerleaders. A change championed by Councilman Jax Owen who previously upposed the creation of the animal seat on the town council.

Councilmember Natalie Peters will only give up her tambourine for a Coach purse and only if someone is willing to carry that “oversized-large-expensive-purse” for her.

“We thought Master Splinter was one of us,” Peters said as she pointed to herself. “But his agreement with Jax Owen, which I was told about at Bear’s Biker Bar, is the kind of hateful rhetoric we can do without.”

Said Owen, “I had no idea the rat could talk but the Govern Girlz and I are more than happy to welcome his support. ‘Less reports ing, more cheerleading’ is a slogan anyone can get behind–if you know what I mean.”

Science is serious and so is local government and nothing says, “this is serious” like a cheerleader can.

When Coma News Daily asked Bear, owner of Bear’s Biker Bar, about Master Splinter’s new position, he said the only rat he’s seen recently was the one he killed last week “out back.”

Stan Bargmeyer, senior citizen intern for Coma News Daily, said he overheard the rat saying “free stuff and entertainment are needed to keep these dirty humans in line.”

When asked where and when he heard the rat say this and how he knew a rat was talking, Stan, who has Alzheimer’s screamed “Talking rats! Talking rats!” And then he ran away from this reporter.

Coma Mayor Dave Anderson, who is again running for office this year because the town forgot to vote last year, said, “Did anyone hear him say he was running for mayor? We’ll definitely get to the bottom of this and figure out if he’s trying to run for mayor.”

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Serious–Part 3: Private Detecting

Mar. 08 News no comments

The following is Serious, part of a year-long investigative series by Coma News Daily into the disappearance of a former editor, Don Johnson Michaels.

by Jonny Reynolds, reporter, who is not Ryan Reynolds and does not have social phobia

About one month after Don Johnson Michaels was last seen riding away from the barn where he was living a curious thing happened.

Don Johnson Michaels is editor of Coma News Daily and works on my farm for free on the weekend as part of his compensation package at the newspaper.

The town hired a local private detective/relationship blogger to investigate.

What became of her investigation and why did the town take that unorthodox step? Serious sat down with the detective, Marybell Davis, to find out.

Serious: Who hired you to find this missing person and why?

Marybell: Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib hired me. But because people might think it was weird we pretended I was hired by the mayor, since most people already think he’s an idiot.

Serious: And why did the sheriff want you?

Marybell: I have a very particular set of skills acquired over a long period of time: blogging about mysteries.

Serious: Criminal mysteries?

Marybell: Life’s mysteries.

Serious: Fascinating. What did you learn about this particular mystery?

Marybell: I learned that “After great pain, a formal feeling comes.”

Serious: Was that code?

Marybell: No, that was Emily Dickinson.

Serious: So you consulted literature?

Marybell: That’s where I started. But I also googled pictures of the guy.

Serious: Michaels?

Marybell: Yeah. Tragic face. There were also pictures of the sad little room he lived in at that guy’s barn.

Serious: He lived in one of the stables on the estate of his boss, Davis Montgomery III, publisher of Coma News Daily.

Marybell: Right. Really nice Snapchat pics for that place and the horses.

Serious: So what else did you learn?

Marybell: If you miss someone and stand out in the cold for a long time watching them you are going to get frostbite.

Serious: I’m sorry, I meant what did you find out about Michael’s disappearance?

Marybell: Oh, I can’t talk about that. It’s an ongoing investigation.

Serious: But that’s why we asked you here.

Marybell: I thought you wanted to know about my blog.

Serious: So the fog of mystery surrounding the editor closes again.

Next time on Serious: Who were Michaels’ friends, what do they think happened to him, and how has his disappearance affected their view of themselves?

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Town Council Lost and Found Giveaway Coming!

Mar. 07 Living no comments

by Coma News Daily Staff

What’s better than cheap armored vehicles?

How about free armored vehicles!

Coma residents are buzzing with excitement amid preparations for this year’s Town of Coma Lost and Found Giveaway Extravaganza (LFGE) on March 26.

Originally part of a town-wide recycling program that encouraged citizens to bring useful items found on the ground to city hall in hopes of finding it a new home, LFGE exploded into a carnival of reuniting people with lost objects and uniting others with new ones.

“We amassed some pretty cool stuff this year,” Mayor Dave Anderson said. “I don’t want to spoil anything but we do have something that rhymes with flarmy tank.”

Last year’s notable items included: a 1994 Toyota Tercel, 236 golf balls, the Robson Family, and a two-car garage.

The Coma Town Council is looking for volunteers to assist in the setup of the event, anyone with carpentry skills or military vehicle training is encouraged to volunteer.

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Coma Rated Least, Most Healthy

Mar. 07 News no comments

By Coma News Daily Staff

It may be an ugly win for Coma our town will take it.

Coma was named both the healthiest and least healthy town in the state this week in separate rankings.

First, the bad news. The state used a range of federal health statistics, market research data and consumer trends to conclude Coma is easily the fattest, laziest, and most good-for-nothing jurisdiction in the state.

“I knew it,” said Councilwoman Natalie Peters. “Winterfest this year was a funnel cake-fueled nightmare of exploding zits and waistlines. I’m just glad science noticed.”

However, a separate state study also named Coma the healthiest jurisdiction based on such things as per capita spandex shorts sales, numbers of biking injuries per square mile, and sports-related rear window decal sales.

Here’s a sample of the confounding findings:
– Percent of residents who cannot see feet: 20.4%
– Percent of residents who subsist on Hot Pockets: 25.8%
– Percent of restaurant customers wearing padded cycling shorts: 39.8%
– 2013 pilates rate: 12.9%

One local health expert urged caution in interpreting the results.

“Low body and image confidence-from these kinds of surveys have led entire towns to greater risk-taking with drugs and alcohol,” said Dr Jimmy, Coma physician. “Plus, we really don’t need to feed the egos of the nut jobs on the other end of the health spectrum, either.”

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Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Mar. 07 Living no comments

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

[FreecycleComa] Offer: Turkey Meatloaf Frozen Expired

I saw someone who wanted this kind of thing for raccoon consumption.

It was homemade and been in the freezer for a year. There’s something growing on it but you MIGHT STILL BE ABLE TO EAT IT if you use a knife to remove the visible growths.

Let me know time and day of pickup.

[FreecycleComa] CORRECTION to offer – assorted womens clothing size small

My daughter just told me these are women’s size xxl tops and size 18-20 pants. I’m not good with women’s sizing.

Original offer: 13 gallon trash bag full of women’s clothing. Jacket, pants, shirts, scarves. Lots of funky ’60’s looking stuff. Stuff you probably wouldn’t want to wear plus some underwear but you never know what people need. Example below.

[FreecycleComa] OFFER furniture, light, wine chiller, cat seat– from missing person’s garage

Garage Pick up. Two outside folding canvas chairs, two inside red canvas and wood folding chairs (barstool height, mostly broken), stair potty (new, used once. could not figure out how to use), wine chiller (can’t figure out how it works) and Ikea desk light (needs new bulb, does not work), cat shelf for window or wall (please take the cat, too). Everything is sanitized but could use a wiped own from being in the garage. Pickup must be before Sunday night and during the daytime. Please let me know which item(s) you would like and when you will be picking up. This is from the garage of Coma News missing editor Don Johnson Michaels.

Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators? Write to us at townofcoma (at) gmail.com .
_________________________________________________________________________
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]– Cannot be “wanted mate” or “wanted sex” or “wanted a hot chick”
– RECEIVED: stapler or breast implants [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

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Archive for: March 2016

Opinion: Stop Putting Labels On Me

Did Aliens Build This Coma Convenience Store?

Conflict Gnaws at Town Council

Serious–Part 3: Private Detecting

Town Council Lost and Found Giveaway Coming!

Coma Rated Least, Most Healthy

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

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