By Coma News Daily Staff

Coma made history this week when the town became the first jurisdiction with a rodent as an elected leader.

According to Master Splinter, true wisdom comes from the wearing of monocles and the eating of fortune cookies.

Master Splinter, a rat and the “son” of Councilwoman Natalie Peters was appointed by the Town Council on Tuesday to hold a revolving “animal spirit” seat–reserved for a domesticated animal or wildlife–until an election can be held later this year.

“I would hope that a wise rodent with the richness of his experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male human who hasn’t lived that life,” Peters said about Splinter.

The narrow 2-1 council vote to add the designated animal seat was supported by Coma Mayor Dave Anderson. Anderson led another historic initiative last week–while Peters was on vacation–to create the first legislative cheer squad, known as the Govern Girlz.

This fantasy bartender brought to you Jax Big O Moonshine.

“As Natalie has pointed out, dancing-age women are not the only members of our community that are  under-represented in this town’s legislative process,” Anderson said. “Natalie also hated the idea of cheering women and that’s how she convinced me that a rat initiative is the only thing that could counter it.”

The animal seat was opposed by Councilman Jax Owen, an avid hunter and collector of fantasy taxidermy creatures.

If the animal seat is retained, Owen said he planned to support the candidacy of Princess Buttercup, one of two “reading wolverines” that chewed through a steel cage and terrorized Coma Elementary School last year.

“I’m sure my fellow legislators would agree we need more female voices in this august body,” Owens said.

Despite the lingering political kerfuffle, the newest member of the Town Council was moving forward with his legislative agenda.

First up for Master Splinter, according to Peters, is a planned ordinance banning pet shaming, which is the practice of posting photos of misbehaving pets on social media.

“The real shame is that these images will follow around these poor creatures for the rest of their lives,” Peters said.

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This is Serious, a presentation of Coma News Daily.

By Jonny Reynolds, emerging content reporter, does not have a social phobia disorder, is not Ryan Reynolds
Serious will spend the next year investigating and reporting to you on the disappearance of a local legend, Don Johnson Michaels.

It was a year ago this week that Michaels, long-time editor for Coma News Daily went missing and was later presumed dead.
Michaels, 54, was a local reporting legend, who was last seen in mid-January of that year laughing hysterically as he rode off on one of the ponies belonging to his employer, Davis Montgomery III, publisher of Coma News Daily.

Don Johnson Michaels, former editor of Coma News Daily, in an undated photograph at his one-time home on the farm of his boss, published Davis Montgomery III. Michaels worked the fields for extra income and lived in the barn with his fellow journalists.

Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib said at the time that Michaels was “likely dead,” but that foul play was not suspected.
A fixture of Coma public life for decades, Michaels touched many residents in a variety of places.
Said Montgomery: “He will be forever remembered for his brooding and depressive manner—except at the end there where he apparently went out with a laugh.”

Pictured here is a week’s salary for the former editor of Coma News Daily, who was paid in fast food coupons.

Michaels left no family behind. His friends however miss him dearly and regularly share stories about the former editor and his endearing habit of threatening to break their legs with a baseball bat.
But what do we really know about Michaels? What were his hopes, dreams and fantasies? Why was his memorial service tear gassed? And whatever happened to the horse?
By answering some of those questions, Serious hopes to unravel the mystery of what happened in that cold January not so long ago.

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