Archive for: December 2015

Football, It’s What’s for Dinner

Dec. 15 News no comments
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Editors’ note: The following is an advertorial and does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News.

Football, It’s What’s for Dinner
by Coma News staff

 

With football dominating headlines nationwide recently, a lot of people are wondering how it’s possible for them to enjoy the sport any more than they already do.
One fan thinks he has the answer. And it’s delicious.
“A lot of people ask me, ‘Jax, what else could we stuff in a pizza?'” said Jax Owen, who recently bought Bo’s Pizza House in Coma. “I’ve heard all about cheese and bacob stuffed pizza but I wanted something bigger.”

Most people think stuffing a chili dog (spelled incorrectly in this ad) in a pizza doesn't go far enough.

Most people think stuffing a chili dog (spelled incorrectly in this ad because there’s so much chili it needs two ls) in a pizza doesn’t go far enough.

Owen soon realized the only way to outdo Big Pizza was to stuff football gear in the crust.
What’s that you say? You are watching football and need a jockstrap? It’s in the crust. Did I hear you need some gym socks? No worries, it’s in the crust.
“If you can imagine something pre-worn and needed to play football I’ve probably put it in the crust of one of these pizzas,” said Owen, who gets his pizza ingrediants donated by local youth teams.
Football may have been the best choice for a pizza theme but Owen admitted it wasn’t his first idea. It followed separate failed efforts to infuse pizzas with Viagra and truck parts.
“There were all sorts of FDA regulations involved and, anyway, who really wants to touch a slob who can consume three or four of these pizzas in a sitting?” Owen said his no-longer-available erect-dial pizza.
Bo’s Pizza House delivers seven days a week from 6pm to 5 am.

funny-pizza-guy-labels-sausage

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A Very Tiny Christmas

Dec. 15 Living no comments
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The following is a excerpt from a local blogger published as a community service by Coma News.

A Very Tiny House Christmas

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Holiday Poetry by Micah Horncraft

And it came to pass in the tiny house of Horncraft, that Christmas was coming to his wood life raft.

Droves of relatives would come, as would presents and food, to fill every cranny with a sharp-elbowed brood.

There was no room for decoration, a sprig was the tree, but that is OK because Christmas love is for free.

Horncraft, whose wife now stays in a tent, remains ever hopeful that soon she’ll relent.

Relatives this year will stay in the barn, built by his teenage son with found wood and some yarn.

When first they moved into this house of constriction, teenage Sean responded with explosive anger and friction.

But survival instincts engaged and life skills did they grow, for a teenager’s hang out would help family harmony show.

Some help was provided to bring the new barn to life, through an army of contractors hired by Horncraft’s wife.

The barn has new plumbing, some heat, and surround, last week a 60-inch TV was found.

Now relatives can see a tiny Christmas’ no chore, as now the Horncraft family has room for so many more.

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Squeezin’ for a Reason

Dec. 09 Living 1 comment
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By Coma News Daily Staff
Jax Owen believes that everyone needs a hug, especially women, and that’s why he launched the Season of Squeezin last Christmas.

And this year he hopes to spread that love to those in town most in need: divorced men.

That’s why this year’s hug-themed holiday initiative will benefit A Place for Those Guys,  the assisted living facility for recently divorced men.

A place for those guys large ad

“I thought, ‘What’s worse than being alone on Christmas and New Year’s?'” Owen said. “And I realized the answer was ‘Living in that place.'”

So Owen’s hoping to improve the residents’ lives–not just during Christmas but year-round–by encouraging the donation of used sports cars to the residents, in exchange for an extended hug from him and a discount on another vehicle from Jax’s Used Cars.

Here are Owen’s responses to some of our questions about the initiative:

Coma News Daily: Why should you give those guys my car?

Owen: Because you are blessed with some kind of family, great looks, and the ability to stay married.

CND: Who should give?

O: Anyone who has a sports car that they don’t really need. Basically, any married guy who’s really required to drive a mini van and can’t go anywhere because his wife won’t let him. Why not make another guy who can go to a bar alone whenever he wants feel better when driving there?

CND: How could a car possibly help them?

O: Look at that place. It’s so terrifying that no one’s even noticed they never rebuilt it after the fire tore through it last year. These cars can help them escape that hell hole, even if only for a few hours.

Some people in town are skeptical, including Town Council Woman Natalie Peters. “I like the idea of giving people something, hate the idea of hugs for women, and don’t understand why Jax wouldn’t give them cars he has since he owns a used car lot?”

The answer from Jax’s perspective is simple, “Does the grocery store donate a dollar to breast cancer research or St. Jude’s? No, they have minimum wage workers ask you to donate so they can get the tax write off. It’s called giving.”

Dr. Jimmy, a resident at A Place for Those Guys and a recently divorced man, praised the initiative but expected most of the donated “sweet rides” to be confiscated as part of “a nasty divorce or child support situation.”

You can bring your gently used coupe, hot rod or roadster to Jax’s Used Cars on 301 Main Street in Coma. If you bring a mule carcass, you can get up to $200 off on a brand new car at Jax’s Used Cars!

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Please Don’t “Home Alone” Your Child This Christmas

Dec. 07 Opinion no comments
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For People Traveling This Christmas, Please Don’t “Home Alone” Your Child

Stan Bargmeyer, Coma News Intern

I recently viewed the popular motion picture “Home Alone” about a small male child who accidentally gets left home by himself during the holidays.  The young boy is forced to survive a series of challenges most young people are not equipped to deal with.

While the lad in the picture handles himself well, I don’t think it is reasonable to expect every adolescent faced with similar circumstances to employ such clever thinking with an amazing level of resourcefulness and resilience.

homealone

Anyone who views this film and thinks that leaving young children unattended at home for an extended period of time is a good idea would be, in my opinion, wrong.

If anything, the movie shows just how important it is to not leave young children home alone when you leave town.  Especially during the holidays.

I think the filmmakers in this case were irresponsible in their storytelling.  I can only imagine how many parents will watch this movie and decide to leave their young children at home, unattended.

I’m urging you not to.  Don’t “Home Alone” your child this holiday season.  Take any necessary measure to remind yourself to bring them with you.  Like a note on the refrigerator.  Or use one of those fancy phones to send you some alert or notice.  Or ask your child to remind you not to leave them behind.

But please don’t’ watch “Home Alone” and think it is an opportunity for your child to learn how to take care of themselves or fight off violent criminals.  That’s the wrong message.

Enjoy your holidays with your children.

 

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Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Dec. 02 Living no comments
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Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

 

[FreecycleComa] WANTED: broken microwave

Going to make a mailbox out of a broken microwave to give to my wife this Christmas. Looking for a smallish microwave which used to sit on the counter before it got broken. Will pick up from anywhere within a 20 mile radius.

also could use a working one as well. thx

John

[FreecycleComa] Wanted: Supplies to make roman shades

brokenblinds

Lined navy blue fabric,  ribs,  and dowels for making 2 roman shades. Fabric should be dark blue navy. Roman shades are for windows. No jokes Roman jokes to my email please. Also don’t email telling me to go purchase this stuff myself. Thanks.
Example of the shade I am going to make with your fabric and accessories below. The shade is for my windows.
Pickup this afternoon within a five mile radius of my house. Don’t have a car. I live across from Bear’s Biker Bar. Don’t contact me unless you live within a five mile radius.

Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) gmail.com .
_________________________________________________________________________
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]– Cannot be “wanted mate” or “wanted sex” or “wanted a hot chick”
– RECEIVED: stapler [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

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You’ll Be Fined for Christmas

Dec. 02 News no comments
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By Coma News Daily Staff

What’s that sound? Is it “Jingle Bells” or “White Christmas”? No, it’s Misfits songs blasting out of Alan’s Vape and Vinyl record store/courthouse, along with billowing clouds of the newest vape flavor, “Pine Tree.”

“I don’t really like bah humbug. It’s not that I don’t believe in joy and peace. It’s that I don’t believe in anything, including joy and peace,” said Judge Alan Pezzati, who has reinvented the Coma court system to primarily litigate people’s taste in music.

“I had a high profile case recently where I had to fine Andrew Hozier-Byrne or Hozier, as he’s known, $10,000 for his musical crimes,” Pezzati said. “Madonna got away with her music because she’s mostly naked but music that only sounds good when the lights are off and you’re drunk isn’t really music.”

Pezzati has decided to fine anyone in Coma who plays what he’s termed as “annoying C-word music.”

Vape and Vinyl Ad Xmas

Coma business owner Jax Owen has set up his own stand near the Vape and Vinyl to remind people that “only a stuck up idiot would buy a vinyl record” and that Christmas music is available to stream year round.

“And there’s no way he can monitor your music unless he gets the federal government and some drones involved,” Owen said.

There are other people who agree with Pezzati. For instance, Natalie Peters, a member of the Coma Town Council, applauded Pezzati’s stance.

“X-mas music is not representative of the Druids, the people who celebrate National Flash Light Day, and people who celebrate Happy Honda Days,” Peters said. “Who makes songs for those people? Who’s going to write the song ‘All I Want in December for No Particular Reason is a Present–A Really Expensive One.’ Someone needs to speak for those people and that’s exactly what Pezzati’s done.”

Mayor Dave Anderson said he was blissfully unaware of the new fines and suggested that people remember what the season is really about, and that is peppermint.

Pezzati wants to remind people that there will be vape classes offered at Alan’s Vape and Vinyl during the “season” of December, and anyone is welcome to try the new Pine flavored vape with a side of a real band like Pig Destroyer playing in the background.

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2016: The Year in Preview

Dec. 01 News no comments
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By T.S. John,
Future News Reporter

A series of alternately horrifying and upsetting events will shake Coma in 2016, Coma News Daily has learned.

The coming debacles came to this reporter in a peyote-fueled fever dream.

Here, in no particular order, are the horrors set to be unleashed on this town:

Chase Donovan Nails his Morning Commute

Finally updating his bus schedule, Chase Donovan manages to arrive at work early after weeks of 9:30 am, and sometimes 10 am, arrivals.  Donovan will deny claims that he would have been let go if had failed to improve his punctuality.

Robot Impostor Epidemic Almost Turns Town Amish

After mysteriously setting off the drugstore metal detector Stan Bargmeyer will unleash a six-week robot hunting frenzy by town residents that will include four weeks without electricity and a brief reversion to horse carriages and bicycles.

musicalmonday

Musical Tries to Turn Town into Broadway Show

In a desperate bid for tourism cash, the town of Coma theater group, the Backdoor Players, will attempt to turn the entire town into an elaborate musical through long-term flash mobbery. Residents will briefly bear weekend rehearsals and dance training requirements before rebelling at a requirement to memorize scripts mailed on a weekly basis.

elaboratehandshake

Elaborate Greetings Make Brief, Aggressive Return

Inspired by a popular hip hop music video, complicated and very specific handshakes will take the town by storm. The ability to perform certain handshake and high five combinations will determine whether table service is provided at certain bars and restaurants for the duration of the greetings’ popularity.

“Guns for Bicycles” Trade in Program Leads to Mass Gun and Bicycle Robbery

Poor signmaking will turn a weekend swap meet into a hostage situation, as two unidentified individuals will escape by bicycle with most of the towns firearms and ammunition.

Voice Activated Debit/Credit Machines, ATMs’ Come to Coma

The town will become the testing site for several banks’ voice activated debit/credit machines and ATM’s after a loud, obnoxious campaign by local activist Marybell Davis. She will lead local teens and college students in a social justice campaign against having to put their phones and Starbucks cups down to pay for things, as well having to push buttons not on their phones.

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The Mystery of Old Love: An LOL Detective Mystery

Dec. 01 Living no comments
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Editor’s note: As part of Coma News’ community outreach, the following blog excerpt is one of a selection of local online postings we will re-publish by residents and business owners.

By Marybell Davis, 25 years old, Amazing Life Lived, Awesome Blogger of Awesome Things

Daddy Warbucks: Marybell, your mom needs you to run to the store and get some things for our Christmas party.

Me: Not now, Daddy. I have to solve the mystery of middle age happiness.

The mystery of old love is at least as old as that chick Mary, who got pregnant by magic and then had the son of God and somehow told Joseph, “Hey guy, magic made me pregnant not you.”.

And Joseph was like, “No worries. I’m staying.”

It’s so unrealistic that it’s basically impossible to believe it could have happened in this world. But then maybe people can still be happy when they’re old and married. It’s a mystery I have to figure out.

kennylogginsstory

The mystery is how are we supposed to believe anyone would do it? Why would anyone stay together and why would anyone become a mother?

My mother’s name is Faith, which is the dumbest name I’ve ever heard, especially since my mother only believes in the power of shopping and the fact that I will never live up to her expectations.

Yesterday, she and I were in Bear’s Biker Bar, where last year’s Christmas decorations are still up and Bear, and the owner-bartender, is wearing a Santa hat. This is also where Coma News Daily podcasts from since drunk people seem to get us better.

“Who is your cute friend, Marybell?” says Bear.

I look around because my friend Hope isn’t here. And there’s only one other woman in this bar and it’s my mom (gross).

“You mean (I pointed to my mom) her?” I say.

My mom giggled. It was gross. She sounded young and fun, and basically totally unlike herself.

mummybreak

“That’s not my friend. That’s my mother,” I say.

And Bear smiles and winks at her and says, “on the house.”

The truth is my mom is old. She goes to wineries and everything she thought she was going to be, she isn’t. She thought she was going to be an artist and went to study sculptures in Italy (naked people, gross). She ran into my Dad at a coffee shop there and he made her laugh, so she put her paint away and followed him back to America (probably giggling the whole time) and she taught kids art while he went to business school. They got married and she got pregnant (gross)  and he made our garage into an art studio so she could wear overalls and paint weird stuff all day to sell on Esty.

And how dumb is this story? Hasn’t she heard of finding herself?

There are two bearded guys at the pool table arguing about politics and the door opens and my Dad walks in and my mother giggles (gross). They have been together for all this time and she still giggles. He walks over and kisses her on the top of her head.

“Hey, Marybell. What are you doing tonight alone here in this bar?” Dad says.

And he doesn’t wait for my answer but if he had I’d tell him I’m solving mysteries as a self made businesswoman who doesn’t need–
But he’s walked away and he and Mom are over at a pool table and she’s awful at the game and just laughing and laughing. The two old dudes stop arguing and laugh at how terrible my mother is at the game.

And I don’t have a way to solve why someone becomes a mother or why old people are happy.

It’s a mystery if I will ever be a mother or find someone to laugh with like that but what I know is that Bear has cranked up the radio and ‘Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas’ plays loudly. So he and I start to sing as the snow falls softly outside the bar.
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