Archive for: November 2015

‘Smart Jobs’ to Lift Coma

By Coma News Staff
Coma residents will have chance to “work smarter, not harder” through the mayor’s new “Smart Jobs for Tomorrow” program.
The initiative will seek to connect the large number of highly skilled Coma residents with employers from the town’s emerging technology and communications industries.
“For me, success isn’t about how much money you make. It’s about the difference you make in people’s lives,” Mayor Dave Anderson said when launching the program.

The following is a selection of positions offered through Smart Jobs:

storyboard draft

Wanted: Gaming Experts
Seeking contributors for our blog,, and offer excellent benefits in exchange. We’re looking for highly motivated people who want to join our team and help it grow, and become the best publication online! NO PAY but you’ll receive the following benefits for being a contributor with our site, and more:

Pokémon Cards

Magic The Gathering Cards and Sponsorship

Video games Hard copies and DLC Codes

Vape E-juice

League of Legends Riot points

WoW Subscription

Anime DVD Boxsets

Comic books

Manga books

Movie Tickets to all major releases

To apply all you have to do is submit a writing sample, or a link one. We’re looking for serious people who want to stick with us and help foster new fans to our site. If that’s you apply today!


Wanted: Editorial Assistants
Feelings! Magazine is an independent, online publication that celebrates the lifestyle and breadth of the emotional living.We’re looking for an Editorial Assistant to join our editorial staff.

Duties include:
– Editing and producing content for the website and digital magazine
– Assisting the Editor in Chief and Managing Editor with upcoming issues
– Researching and developing engaging topics and ideas for potential articles
– Connecting with readers on various social media outlets

Must have:
– At least one year experience working for an online publication
– Deep connection with your feelings
– Strong editing skills that include: grammar, spelling, fact checking and proofreading
– MUST have experience with WordPress. Familiarity with Adobe Creative Suite, esp. InDesign is a PLUS.
– Self-motivated and detail-oriented
– The ability to work under tight deadlines

Send us your resume with links or attachments of 3 writing samples and tell us why you want to be a part of our publication.

Compensation: Writing for Feelings!

Figure Eight Donut Platters a Nice Touch When Entertaining Guests

By Stan Bargmeyer, Coma News Intern

Sometimes I think I want to have people over to my house to watch television shows or do other things.  If you’re like me, you probably worry about what sort of special dish you can prepare to help your guests feel like they are your guests and are welcome in your home.

It turns out there are a lot of things you can do to make people feel like you want them inside your home.  I wanted to share with you one of my favorites.  I don’t think it’s too hard because even I was able to figure it out (after a little trial and error, of course).

Figure eight donut platters are a fun and festive way to tell your guests that they are guests in your home and you went out of your way to prepare something special for them to enjoy.


Prep Time: 25 Minutes

Serves Four

What you’ll need:

two donuts

– Two round donuts (NOT FRITTERS!  This is important to note.  Fritters will not work.  Neither will maple bars)

one plate

– One Plate

What you’ll do:

1. Set your plate on a flat surface inside your home

2. Arrange the donuts on the plate side-by-side

3. Present to your guests and enjoy the figure-eight donut platter

correct figure 8 donuts

incorrect figure 8 donutsFor variety, consider using different types of donuts or serving them on different types of plates. You are only limited by your imagination and the number of plates you have in your home and the different variety of donuts available at local grocers and bakeries.



Queries and Quislings

Dear Query Guy,

Recently, I found something hidden in the darkest recesses of my basement. It was slightly rusty but I cleaned it and then spent hours and days carefully applying turpentine to every nook and cranny until the steel was gleaming. Then I stripped, sealed and waxed the old school wood handle. And the hammer was beautiful. But my problem is that my wife left me for another man who is a plumber. I am a lawyer. I used this hammer to fix a book shelf, some siding that fell off my house and to take out nails that were holding up pictures of our family before it broke apart. BUT THE HAMMER isn’t fixing the hurt I feel and I’ve tried hitting everything I can with it. What’s the solution?

Hammer It Today


hit it with a hammer front page

Dearest HIT,

Ah, the pleasures of restoring an aged and tarnished implement to its previous gloriousness. The experience surely must have elicited near-rapturous joy. Without indulging myself with queries of my own as to the hue and grain of your device, I will  endeavor to address your query.

First, it is clear to me that life has not been uniformly unkind to you. You were married, an esquire and apparently a homeowner (unless you are wont to destroy rental property). Yet, tragedy has befallen your life of late and you have struggled to accommodate its pernicious effects. In such circumstances it may prove contributive to account for the many positive and uplifting aspects that remain. In such ways many a man has found inspiration to persevere in ways that allow identification of future bonanzas.

Alternately, you could hit it with a fricken’ hammer, as my delicate petunia would say. The problem is not the many objects to which you have applied your device. I would hazard that the device itself is the problem. As painful as it may prove I am left to urge you to hit that hammer with another hammer! Don’t be shy about it. Make every swing count. Through the tears, the mud and the blood, just keep swinging, my friend.




Painter Black

The following is one in a series of intermittent excerpts from Coma residents’ blogs published by Coma News as a community service

By Sadie Cracker

I realized today when I went to get my hair cut that I am the same age as my mother when she would color her hair black.
I realized it because the “hair dresser” — a word you can only say in quotes because it’s Coma– went to the how-to-fry-your-hair-in-place-cosmetology school and her hair is jet black like my mother’s hair used to be.
Anyway, she said,”Whadda ya want me to do with this?” As she pulls up three long gray hairs.
I dunno. Turn back time? Let me keep what I know now but be young and hot so I enjoy the stuff I missed because I didn’t understand how special that time was? Do that.
So I say, “Pull them.”
“Look Sadie. If I pull them more will grow in.”
I’m annoyed. I’m as annoyed as I feel right now hearing “Paint it Black” blast through the shop’s speakers and I wonder who made the music for my generation because all I hear about is my parents generation. Who speaks for me in music? Dave Matthews? Kermit the Frog?
“Just paint me black then.”
Stella laughs. She smells like bubble gum and Purell hand sanitizer.
“What color do you really want? You got some blonde in there.
“Paint it black.” I said.
“That will look really weird with your coloring,” Stella said.
And I want to scream at her about how my hair has been black many times to match my mood or when I felt like goading my mother by stealing her hair color.
“Paint it black,” I said.
And the Stones sing even though everything isn’t black. It’s silvery gray and I am soft and old as my mother when she painted it black to cover up her age.
“I’m not sure you will like this,” Stella said. And I want to scream STELLAAAAAAAA and tell her to do it.
“You want to be cute. You’re not old enough to start looking bad.”
I want her to paint my fear of aging, my fear of being lonely, a life without my mother with me, of taking care of my father who is losing his mind, the way it feels to try to take care of boys who don’t have a father. I want to scream at her ‘STELLLLLLLAAAAAAAAA PAINT ME BLACK.’
And luckily I don’t have to. Jamilla is sitting under a dryer in the back of the shop with curlers in her hair and she pulls the dryer off her head and says, “Paint her black Stella. Paint her black.”
So Stella walks to the back of the shop to mix the color and I look in the mirror under the harsh light that makes my face look lined by what we like to call “smile wrinkles.” I’m excited Stella will paint me black like my mother, like my failing. She walks back and I see the bowl with the harsh black color mixed inside.
And then the song ends.
I look at Stella and said “You know what, let’s just do some blonde highlights.”

Sudden Death Elimination Hits Outdoor Chess Tourny

by Coma News staff

Pounding pulses Monday at the outdoor Coma chess tournament resulted in one of the finalists suffering a mild heart attack.
Jonny Douglas, 78, was expected to recover after he was rushed to the hospital during a rain drenched match in the months-long tournament.
“The stress of any game, exposure, and exhaustion can be a deadly mix–no matter how little the athlete moves,” said Dr. Jimmy.
The tournament, which is sponsored by Coma Cemetary (a cemetery), has has taken a surprisingly tragic turn since it was launched in March.

“Poppy Brandies died last Tuesday of the pertussis before playing his last round again Janice Michaels who was subbing in for Doris Redding who is stuck in the assisted living facility with pneumonia,” said Stan Bargemeyer, Coma News intern and a tournament participant.
Most matches have ended in a draw after residents either withdrew due to  mental health problems, death or months-long physical sickness.
“Some say this game is cursed,”said Micah Horncraft, 38, who is by far the youngest player. “I find the drama of life on display here thrilling and the chess is fun, as well.”
Not everyone enjoys the ongoing death matches.


The outdoor matches have Coma citizens wondering, “Will my opponent still be here when the clock stops?” .

“The whole thing was orchestrated to get participants to purchase their plots and caskets from ‘Coma Cemetary’ for half price,” said Robert McGuiness. “But the effect it’s having now mainly seems focused on filling coffins.”

mothers day nachos

The Town of Coma Cemetary (a cemetery) saw much success in it’s Nacho’s for Mother’s Day campaign and is now looking to broaden it’s brand into multiple sponsorships in the community.

Bob Smith-Smith, Town Council member and owner of the cemetery, pushed back on safety concerns linked to the tournament.
“This is about these players soldering on through disappearing memories, cataract – induced blindness and yes, even death,” Smith-Smith said.
“The only option we have, really, is to enact an ordinance barring death from chess matches and I can tell you from past experience that that’s a pretty heavy legislative lift.”

I Wish For Peace On Earth But If That Isn’t Possible Anything Except A Casio Watch

This Letter to Santa Claus does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily however we do believe that it’s never too early to start thinking about the Holiday Season.

I’m Coma Mayor Dave Anderson and this is my letter to Santa Claus…


Dear Santa Claus,

Hope you’re staying warm (ha ha! Just kidding. From what I understand it’s always cold in the north pole. I bet that gets old after a while. Or should I say I bet that gets “cold” after a while. Ha ha ha, again. One thing you’ll learn about me Santa is that I enjoy lacing amusing observations throughout letters and wish lists).

Anyway, below is my Christmas wish list.

I should state for the record that I’m a fully-grown adult male.  In fact, I’m the mayor of a small town.  Can you believe that? I used to be a stand-up comedian and even opened one time for a comedian who once toured with a guy who opened for Dave Atell!

Okay, for real now, here is my wish list…

One- Like everybody else, I’d like peace on the earth and stuff like that, let me get that out there right away because I don’t want you to think I’m selfish or so ego-centric that I don’t recognize that there are countries in the earth that are having conflict in places like…in places all over the planet. I mean, there are too many to name really.

Second- I would like a new life. Ha ha ha ha all over the place Santa! I’m just kidding.  Remember when I told you I enjoy lacing amusing observations throughout letters and wish lists, well, this is an example of that.  Actually, I don’t have a second item for my wish list.  But I do have a third item…

My Christmas wish is that the spirit of Christmas not be confined to just one day every year, but be embraced and cherished every day throughout the year.  That the joy of the holidays be imbibed by everyone, everywhere every day.

And finally, just because I don’t believe you can deliver on either of my first two wishes, and that’s not a shot at you, but let’s face it, that’s a tall order for anybody, I feel like I should include a “safety” request on my wish list so I don’t wake up on Christmas morning empty handed.

So, in case you can’t really make the earth peace or Christmas spirit things happen, I’d be happy with a modestly priced wrist watch.  Nothing fancy (but would prefer it not be a Casio).



Dave Anderson

Mayor of Coma

Bob’s Haunted Mart Wins State

By Coma News Staff

What does it take to be the best?

Try drone-mounted chainsaws and randomly exploding pumpkins.

Those kinds of local touches were credited by Coma’s Bob Smith-Smith for helping him this week to win the Bleeding Corn Husk, a statewide prize given to the most overall terrifying “scare experience” during the recently concluded Halloween season.


Bob’s Haunted Mart re-purposed the empty commercial space that previously housed the Faber grocery store into a store haunted by ghosts of shoppers past.

“This wouldn’t have been possible without a really great competitor to my own business, Bob’s Organic, going out of business after 63 years, so let me first thank the Faber family for failing,” Smith-Smith said.


The exploding pumpkins of Haunted Mart were found among the thrills of the “venal veggies” section. Also included were dreadlocked vegans hurling bloody arugula while screeching at the visiting “flesh eaters.”

“This experience allowed me to work through a lot of issues,” said Micah Horncraft, a local vegan and scream associate. “I’m looking for another rage outlet for the Christmas season.”

Additional thrills were provided by the lactose incontinent, who hosed visitors down stores aisles with an “organic milk canon.”

The gluten-free goblins snared visitors in nearly impenetrable webs of sticky, tasteless paste, which they insisted on calling “bread.”

Smith-Smith provided chills and spills of his own as Spazzo the Clown, who threatened to disembodied any child unable to name the FDA-recommended daily portions for a given food group.

“We realized that instead of just being something that we put in our bodies to stay alive, food could be a source of true terror,” Smith-Smith said.

But the Haunted Mart would not have been possible without an amazing staff, Smith-Smith said. That included members of local foodie clubs, food justice advocates, and the Coma Sustainable Agriculture Working Group.

“No one’s going to think of food as anything other than a weapon or tool for terror after the wonderful work of these folks,” Smith-Smith said. “Happy Halloween.”

Town Forgets to Vote

By Coma News Staff

In what some town members are saying could happen anywhere, the entire Town of Coma completely forgot to vote in the mayoral election yesterday.


“I’m sure we’re not the first municipality over the history of humankind that has forgotten it was election day and did not vote,” Coma resident, Judge Alan Pezzati said.  “Seems like there is an election almost every year or two, so it’s getting harder and harder to keep up with it.  Maybe we shouldn’t have them so frequently.”

The error was discovered late last night by Coma Postmaster Steve Simmons, who said he felt like he was forgetting about something all day, but couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

stop sign 1

“I knew there was something we were supposed to do yesterday,” Simmons said.  “It’s a little embarrasing, but I’m guessing this probably happens more often than more towns like to admit.”

Many reacted to the news by snapping their fingers and shaking their heads, while others closed their eyes and hummed gently for several minutes.  Some, however, expressed outrage.

Some citizens blamed the folly on a series of “get out the vote” t-shirts that have been seen around town in recent weeks.  The t-shirts were designed to promote the election and encourage people to vote, but because of an error, the shirts may have inadvertantly caused people to forget about the election altogether.

“It probably didn’t help that we had shirts all over town that said ‘forget to vote’ on them,” said Chase Donovan a volunteer in the election office said.  “We were trying to make the word ‘don’t’ stand out for emphasis sake, but it ended up being printed the same color as the t-shirt.  Lesson learned on that one.”

City officials said a new election day will be scheduled for later in the month.  The most significant race is the mayoral election.  Polls that came out over the weekend showed challenger Russell Stonewall leading incumbent mayor Dave Anderson.  Stonewall said he was disappointed about the town forgetting to vote, but admitted he himself forgot all about it.

“It was an honest mistake,” Stonewall said.  “It would have been nice to have it done and over with, and I’d like to think my supporters were just a hair more diligent about things like voting, but I’m confident the end result will be the same.”

Mayor Dave Anderson had not comment, but some sources said the incumbent was relieved and suggested he still had time to come up with a plan that could win him the election.

A new election date is expected to be announced within the next few days.