Archive for: September 2015

Mayoral Candidate Profile: Russel Stonewall

Candidate 1

By Coma News Daily Staff

Coma Mayoral Candidate Russell Stonewall is more than the town’s reigning paving magnate.  His millions of dollars of personal wealth and his rough exterior and self-described “rugged, tough-man persona” make him the best candidate for the little people which in his words, “is an all inclusive term”.

“I like birds and I like singing songs that were popular when I was a child and I like eating tomato soup on chilly fall afternoons,” the 59-year old Stonewall said as he adjusted a sharp looking bow tie.  “I know I’m pretty intimidating to most people because of my name, but inside I’m like a puppy dog or a turtle.”

Stonewall announced his candidacy three weeks ago and has spent countless hours visiting diners, boutiques, salons and more boutiques that sell hummels and novelty tee shirts to spread the word about how he would help shape Coma’s future.

Stonewall’s platform has been built primarily around the idea of ending the string of bans that have recently overwhelmed many in the community.

Simple decision tree explains the newest ban in Coma.

Simple decision tree explains the newest ban in Coma.

“I will stop all that horseplay immediately,” Stonewall said.  “I want this town to be pretty and happy and fun and  a lovely place for people to live.  And I want flowers and spontaneous clapping.”

Much of Stonewall’s campaign advertising has focused on his rough childhood and self-reliance, which he said he honed as a young man living on his family’s ranch and attending prep schools back east.  But it was the time he spent at Yale that really helped him harden his demeanor and teach him difficult life lessons.

“When I came home for the summer I would spend hours and hours every day watching my dad’s employees pave many of the roads in town,” Stonewall said.  “Watching people work really hard and get dirty was an eye-opening experience for me.”

Stonewall has positioned himself as the “people’s candidate” and has promised to reverse the bans and plant more gardens around town.

“I just want this to be a fun place, you know?” he said.  “It would be great if we could all get together every Tuesday afternoon and just talk about the latest happenings in professional tennis or exchange baklava recipes. Those are just some suggestions.  We can do other stuff too.”

According the the most recent polls, Stonewall currently holds a five point lead over incumbent mayor Dave Anderson.  The election will take place on Tuesday, November 5.

Work Wanted: Secret Shopping Like it Never Even Happened


We are a secret shopping service provider. We take our job seriously especially the “secret”part. We will provide secret shops of your business and measure customer service and friendliness of your staff but ALL RESULTS will remain secret. We do not share the results of our shops with you or anyone else. We are very serious about what we do. You will not be contacted by us and you will not know who we are. But you will have the satisfaction of knowing you are doing the right thing for your business. Leave $500 in cash by the red bench in the Blair Witch walking park in Coma. Leave the cash in a white envelop and mark the envelope Glenn. No one including you will know that this went down.

Bear Question Derails First Mayoral Debate

Coma News Daily Staff

In what devolved into what some onlookers described as a “bizarre” series of questions regarding bear habitats and gnomes, the town’s first official mayoral debate ended somewhat abruptly on Saturday night, leaving most attendees in a state of confusion.


Black Bear Eating Estuary Grasses, British Columbia, Canada.

Photograph of what is believed to be a bear


“As soon as the lady started asking questions about scientists and vampires, the whole thing kind of went south,” Coma resident Peter Buchanan said.

The lady Buchanan was referring to is Coma Unified School Principal, Jamie Towers, who moderated the first in a series of debates leading up to the election on November 6.  Analysts were critical of how Towers handled the debate and suggested she let it get out of hand with her final question about exotic pets and invisible airplanes.

“Nothing like that is even remotely true,” Towers said afterwards.  “There were no questions about pets or bears or anything else that wasn’t absolutely relevant to understanding the candidates’ position on critical issues facing our community.”

Incumbent, Dave Anderson, said later he tried his best to get the debate back on track after Towers lost control but admitted it might have been too little, too late.

“It got weird,” Anderson said.  “She went to places people shouldn’t go in a public setting.”

His opponents, republican candidate Russel Stonewall and independent candidate  Steve Phillips agreed.

“I thought I might be on a TV show at first where they play pranks and jokes on you,” Phillips said.  “But I guess she wasn’t joking.”

The next debate is scheduled for next Friday at town hall.  Currently, election officials are searching for a moderator to replace Towers, who won’t be invited back.

A partial excerpt from the debate is included below.

Ms. Towers: Candidate Phillips, what would you do to enhance the continued economic viability of Coma?

Mr. Phillips: It depends.

(long pause.  Some estimate pause lasted nearly two minutes)

Ms. Towers: What, precisely would it depend on?

Mr. Phillips: It would depend on what you mean by the words ‘entrance, ergonomics and availability.’

Ms. Towers: I’m sorry Mr. Phillips.  I did not use any of those words.

Mr. Stonewall: I heard you say something about ergonomics.

Mr. Anderson: Me too.

Mr. Phillips: I don’t know what ergonomics is.

Mr. Anderson: I think it ‘s a type of science.

Ms. Towers: No, it’s not.

Mr. Stonewall:  What kind of science?

Mr. Anderson: If I’m not mistaken, it’s the study of fairy creatures.

Ms. Towers: Gentlemen, if we could please get back…

Mr. Stonewall:  Like goblins?

Mr. Anderson:  I think so.  Goblins and gypsies and…I think all of those make-believe creatures.

Mr. Phillips: Bears?

(there is another, shorter pause at this point as the candidates and Ms. Towers look at Mr. Phillips)

Mr. Phillips: What? I’ve never seen a bear.  I’m not convinced they’re real.  You never know about shit in the wild is all I’m saying.

Ms. Towers:  I think we should stop right here.



Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

[FreecycleComa] OFFER: Prescription pill bottles (Coma General Hospital)

I have three plastic shopping bags full (!) of orange bottles from mail-order prescriptions.  Various sizes but mostly on the larger size. Some Oxy, Viagra, Valium and some Bicalutamide used for prostate cancer. Must take all. Email with date and time for pick up behind the green dumpster in the rear of the building. Free to a good home.




[FreecycleRockville] RE-OFFER: Disney paper plates

Taker did not show up even though I sat out in my front yard for 6 hours waiting. Several cars and two mini-vans drove by but no one picked up the trash bag full of lightly used plates! So I will REOFFER. This time you need to show up.

9 characters – 8 plates each.  Large square “dinner” size.  Used to make centerpieces, some were used for food. These are only slightly used, people.

Email with a time



Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) .
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]– Cannot be “wanted mate” or “wanted sex” or “wanted a hot chick”
– RECEIVED: stapler [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

Podcast: Tears for Cheers

It’s 93 degrees in Coma and the humidity lever is set to pumpkin spice your car as fall approaches. This is Coma News Daily.

As always you can hear the podcast by clicking play at the bottom of this blog post!

Hosted this week by Coma’s own physician and former raver Dr. Jimmy and Coma’s very own underemployed Private Dick (gross), Marybell Davis. With updates from the Future Reporter, T.S. John and sports read by Marybell’s best friend Hope.

As part of our continuing effort to be the local news team that is more on your side than any other local news team (if we had one) Coma News Daily spent some time with some very special kids: members of the Social Media Early Learning and Literacy Experience program or SMELLE. This breakthrough kids literacy program teaches youngsters how to read by following cultural developments by reading their favorite tweets.  

This week children in the SMELLE program read and discuss seminal tweets by @alanwieder  @EthanTBerlin and @juliussharpe

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We don’t have an Instagram. Mail us a letter!



Spin the Wheel

Sadie Cracker
“There’s a bus that turned over on highway 35 killing a surprised cow.”
The news blares through radio 24 hours a day in this bar.
And if it’s not the news, it’s some DJ screaming about how you can be a winner.
My father sits carefully down on a stool at Bear’s Biker Bar and scratches away at some lottery tickets.
“I win,” he says to Bear, the bartender. “look at my winnings!”
“You got nothing. You scratched it all off and nothing matches. You didn’t even win a dollar,” Bear says.


The bar is busy tonight. Someone just finished reading some bad poetry and there’s a kid who’s gonna go on later and do some comedy. Like everybody, he has dreams.

“Give me my dollar,” Dad says. Bear laughs and salutes me.

“We have no idea who’s gonna win these elections but we do know lots of anecdotes about these candidates–” the radio says, before I shut it off.


And for a moment there’s silence in this bar where the mumbling is drunk and stories never end.
“I lost my leg in a war…”
“I lost my wife to a website…”
“I lost my hair…”

“I won, Bear,” says Dad. “Give me my dollar.”

Everyone here wants to be great and winning even in their loss. Except for me. All I can think is all I have is this one moment and I don’t want to look back and say I missed it. And slowly Charlie takes the stage. He’s the town warrior poet, librarian and head of the Weekend Warhammers Motorcycle club. He can barely stand because he spent the last two hours sitting indian style on the bar’s porch reading some Shel Silverstien and Lord of the Rings to a bunch of kids. I know because mine were there.

He clears his throat and says, “Sadie come play?” Not tonight I shake my head and point to Robert McGuiness, my friend and guest.

Charlie starts to play the cords to “Free Fallin.” He’s quick to point out that it’s the Tom Petty version and not the one that John Mayer ripped off.

“You can go sing and play,” says Robert. I shake my head no. Tonight I just want to enjoy it. Robert stands up and grabs my hand. He leads me to the dance floor where several drunks are already trying to dance in a slow clumsy shuffle.

“She’s a good girl. Loves her momma,” sings Charlie.
And so we dance.

“Get off my girl, buddy,” says Dad. He’s walking toward us. “Get off my girl. I’m winning tonight.”
Not sure if Dad knows I’m his daughter or if he thinks I’m his girlfriend again.

Robert takes a step away and bows. Dad cuts in as the chorus goes on “Free fallin…Free fallin” and I think this song is completely inappropriate to be dancing with my father but not as inappropriate as the time he asked me to dance to “I wanna sex you up.” And Dad starts slowly spinning me.
“Did you see I won tonight Sadie?” and he twirls me. “Like the time when you were little and I won that TV in the raffle.”

All we have is right here. All I have is this moment when he knows who I am. And Charlie looks at the twirling and he stops mid free fall. He puts down his acoustic and picks up an electric guitar and starts playing the chords for Hallelujah. “That’s right Sadie we’re winning,” says Dad as he spins me again.

“I heard there was a secret cord that David played and it pleased the lord,” says Charlie.

And we spin. And I look over at my friend Robert. He’s a former journalist and now the local junk man in town. He makes me laugh and he winks.
Then Dad looks over at him. “You wanna cut in for a twirl, buddy?”

Agri-Explosions to Rock Harvest Festival

by Thomas Steven John, future news reporter
Both clear skies and explosions are in the forecast this weekend for the Coma Harvest Festival.
Genetically modified pumpkins and squash will explode during the awards ceremony for largest gourd and shower the audience in guts and seeds, a peyote-fueled fever dream revealed to this reporter. No injuries will occur but some farmers’ egos will be squashed.

“Plant steroids have never nor will they ever produce an explosion,” Bob Smith-Smith, whose pumpkin will win and then explode, said when told of the coming combustion. “You anti-science, fear mongers need to join us in the twenty-first century.”
Despite the destructive Sunday afternoon, this year’s harvest will be the most successful one yet with the cornucopia exhibition being the biggest in years.
“I guess it’s fine that I only win a participation ribbon, “ Natalie Peters said when told of the imminent award results and explosion. “I’ll just be glad to get that smelly table decoration out of my house.”
After Coma News inquired about the coming gourd-related explosions, festival organizers ordered extra tarps and towels but also suggest Coma residents bring their own umbrellas and raincoats.
“Kids always enjoy things blowing up and it’ll give us an excuse to paint the gazebo.” Mayor Dave Anderson said. “I’m honestly more concerned about losing kids in the corn maze again this year.”
Last year’s corn maze was inspired by an ancient Greek myth of Odysseus and took 15 hours before anyone was able to find the exit.  The fire department was eventually called to cut a path for 3 children to escape, no one was injured.

The 16th annual Coma Harvest Festival will be this Saturday and Sunday from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m and will stay open later for anyone lost in the corn maze.