By Thomas Steven John, Future News Reporter
Magic Results for the Week of August 10
– Tara Northcutt will incorrectly pick which hand Micah Horncraft is holding a coin in (Aug. 14)
– Micah Horncraft will successfully remove a 1972 silver dollar from the ear of Tara Northcutt (Aug . 16)
by Coma News Daily Staff
In what some experts are calling a “completely insignificant” study, researchers in Coma confirmed yesterday that prehistoric humans did not, at any point, have access to microwave oven technology. The findings were the result of a nearly three-year study conducted by scientists at the Coma Center for Science and Microwave Ovens.
ABOVE: Despite unpopular belief, prehistoric humans did not have access to microwave ovens
“What we’ve done here, finally, is to place scientific research behind long-held assumptions,” Dr. Jimmy, physician and lead researcher said of the study. “Now when people talk about cave men not being able to heat their food via a microwave oven, they will be speaking from a position of knowledge, research and fact and not ignorant conjecture.”
The Coma Center for Science and Microwave Ovens was established in 2009 as part of a joint research effort between local scientists and the Maytag corporation, who funded the project. Executives at Maytag would not comment specifically on yesterday’s announcement but did suggest the initial grant money to fund the research was not intended to be used in such a manner.
The results of the six-year study were shared with media and local members of the scientific community during a nearly four-hour presentation this week. Dr. Jimmy, who lead the presentation, said he was both surprised and not at all surprised by the study’s findings.
“Going in, I thought, this is a waste of time,” Dr. Jimmy told reporters. “But once we started digging and investigating, I realized, this was an even bigger waste of time than I originally anticipated.”
Among the evidence that supports the study’s findings:
– Prehistoric humans lacked the ability to harness electricity
– Microwave manufacturers did not come into existence until the 20th century
– Instruction manuals and navigating the sometimes complicated settings panel would likely have confounded prehistoric humans, who could not read
Dr. Jimmy said that while this study lacked any real mystery, he is already turning his focus to the next microwave-inspired research project which will answer the age-old question; are microwave ovens real?
Guest Editorial by Coma Mayor Dave Anderson.
Recently I’ve been getting a lot of criticism for my incessant use of the term “…in a nutshell.” I will admit I probably have been over-using this term quite a bit recently. It’s sort of my default response to challenging, difficult questions.
Last week, for example, I was at a Coma Rotary luncheon and someone asked me about my plans for police reform in Coma. I was caught off guard by this question. My response was thoughtful, if not completely informative. I said to the gentleman, “In a nutshell, this is something we are going to have to address.”
I realize now that not only did that answer not provide any tangible information, it likely was a mis-use of the term altogether.
About a month ago, at a city council meeting, I was put on the spot about the budget, or something about spending or not having enough money or…something like that. I responded by saying “we’ve got a clear and effective plan regarding this thing you just asked me about. In a nutshell, it’s a real good plan.”
Again, I think I probably failed to impart anything resembling helpful, useful information or knowledge. But when you back a baby wolverine into a corner, well, you gonna get stung.
Perhaps the most gratuitous use of this term occurred a couple weeks ago at dinner with a few friends. When the waitress grilled me about what I’d like to eat, I replied “In a nutshell, I want some good food that will satisfy my appetite.”
It’s dark inside of the nutshell.
It’s to the point now where this response is automatic. It’s embedded deep inside my subconscious. But I know I can do better. I want to do better. In a nutshell, I want to be the mayor you have elected multiple times to serve you with integrity and accountability. In a nutshell, I want to be the best mayor this town has had since Morley Pfifer.
That is why I am proposing an arrangement with the media, my peers and anyone else who I may come into contact with; I vow not to use the “nutshell” phrase if you vow to stop asking me challenging and complex questions on the spot.
If we can work together, we can eradicate this terrible habit.
Thank you for your support and cooperation.
Editors Note: The Mayor does not understand that Coma is a Town and not a city and therefor has a Town Council and not a City Council.
It’s a hot, hot, hot 95 degrees in Coma, the kind of weather that makes the residents of our fair town want to snuggle up and sweat all over that someone special in their lives. This is Coma News Daily.
Hosted this week by Coma’s own physician and former raver Dr. Jimmy and Coma’s very own underemployed Private Dick (gross), Marybell Davis. With updates from the Future Reporter, T.S. John.
This week in Coma Freecycle Offer: My Husband Near Coma High School (front porch pickup)
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