Archive for: July 2015

The Joy of Night Riding

By Davis Montgomery III, publisher

It’s funny, but sometimes you can ride your horse to and from work every day for years, and a simple jaunt around the block at night can make you laugh like it’s your first time mounting horseflesh.

That’s what I love about the simple act of horseback riding – there’s so much room for unexpected joy. Things you wouldn’t see, places you wouldn’t go, if you weren’t on a steed–like down the middle of a busy country road!

share-the-road-tshirt-bustedtees-lwh2

Last night, my wife returned from an overseas shopping trip with some new shoes for me. They’re deliciously comfy and lightweight, and I wanted to see how they felt on horseback, since that’s an important factor for most shoes I wear.

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I laced them up and had my man bring my chestnut yearling, Helena, around for a quick test-loop through the neighborhood.

I quickly realized that the shoes were great on a horse – surprisingly, despite being flexible enough for running or bike riding.

sharetheroadtoday

After I realized the shoes would work just fine, I stopped thinking about them and was just enjoying the ride. It had been a while since I’d done a night ride, and I had forgotten how exhilarating it can be. There’s something about galloping down a quiet Coma street, with slightly less traffic than during the day and only the screams of fleeing pedestrians for company, that puts a smile on my face like nothing else.

No more pretending to ‘Share the Road’ for this former street cyclist.

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I ended up doing a second lap, and then a third. By this point I was laughing out loud at the sheer joy of flying down the street, the wind in my flowing mane. It was magic.

What began as a test of a new pair of shoes turned into pure, childish delight at the joy of a night ride.

So, I encourage everyone in town to mount their steeds for a similar nocturnal exertion. And for those in Coma who have yet to invest in a thoroughbred of their own, watch out for the road apples!

Coma Tests New Olden Tech

By Coma News Daily Staff

Coma was the setting of this week’s soft launch of the newest Apple product, the iphonograph.

The product was intended to breath new life into the long-stagnant vinyl record industry. Ten people lined up to be the first to test the brand new product outside Alan’s Vape and Vinyl (and courthouse) yesterday.

iphonograph1

“Most people are not yet evolved enough to own records and their taste in music remains pedestrian” said Judge Pezzati. “But if you are going to own a record, then you better have the right kind of technology to enjoy it anywhere.”

Apple pitched the iPhonograph as a new way to listen to music in an era when digital recordings have allowed hearing “any music at any moment, unfortunately including Taylor Swift”.

The technology is difficult to use during physical activities such as running or biking.

The technology is difficult to use during physical activities such as running or biking.

“It sounded like a really good idea in my head,” said Chase Donovan Coma teenager, who snagged an early iPhonograph. “But when I hold it, I just felt like my grandpa back when the only colors they had were black and white. But it’s from Apple so I guess I have to love it.”

Another challenge of the device was trying to carry around a larger selection of music.

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“Walking around with a phonograph in one hand and 30 pound bag of stupid records in the other?” said Jax Owen, coma businessman. “Why can’t they bring back something cool, like the boom box and Poison?”

Sleuthin’ or How to be a True Dick (gross)

The following is an excerpt of a blog by a local resident and business woman reproduced as a community service of Coma News Daily.

 

Daddy Warbucks: How’s the job search coming Marybell?
Me: I don’t need a job now daddy, I have one reading the news for free for Coma News Daily.
Daddy Warbucks: $200, 000 on a Psych degree, Marybell.
Me: Not now Daddy I need to solve the mystery of how to be the best private dick by watching a lot of True Detective trailers on HBO

ndcluesforlife
Long before he became a bad guy on True Detective, Vince Vaughn brought us the movie Wedding Crashers. I never saw that movie because it was old peopleand gross. But I did have a boyfriend who liked to call me a stage five clinger when I happened to show up at his car dealership or behind his couch or at a poker game with his friends. Look, I just happened to be in those places in a cute outfit and it was not my fault.
The point is whoever this Vince Vaughn character is I’m glad he’s moved on to playing real characters like a villan who is with older ugly chicks instead of an old guy who clings to younger girls.
I watched Magnum PI on Netflix but that was so 80s and so hairy gross.

So I tuned to True Detective for inspiration and here’s what I learned:

1) have a complicated relationship with my Daddy. Okay, got that, he wants me to get a job and doesn’t understand I already have one solving mysteries.
2) Have a drinking problem. Easy! I like beer except that it makes me fat (gross). But that’s kind of good though because now I’m complicated. I drink and don’t want to be fat.
3) Smoke a lot of cigarettes. This is gross to me but I am willing to just hold a burning cigarette in my hand.
4) Have questionable relationships with questionable characters who are into bondage. This part is difficult. I saw 50 Shades of gray and this would really depend on the right guy with the right personality (a lot of money).

So here’s to True Detection of Coma’s mysteries, staying clear of old men, like the guys in Wedding Crashers, and not giving up hope. That last one was actually a shoutout to my friend Hope. Hiyyee.

Head for Business, Bod for Sleuthin’

It’s 85 degrees in Coma, which is the temperature at which work sweat turns into pressure steam shooting out of the ears of the many hard charging careerists in town . This is Coma News Daily.
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Coma Weekly FREECYCLE

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

freecycle front page

[FreecycleComa]OFFER: Adorable kids pictures

Framed kids  pics- running, playing, posing. Candids and formals. Decorates any home office with your preferred number, genders and ages. Get em quick, these are going fast. Examples below.

kidspics

This kid pic is really cute. Even if you don’t have kids this pic would be a great conversation piece if you put it in your office. You don’t need to know this kid to find this pic cute!!

beardkid

This kid has a beard in this pic. Enough said.

[FreecycleComa] OFFER: kitty litter bucket filled with coffee cans & empty Rx bottles

Large kitty litter bucket (with lid) filled with coffee cans and empty Rx bottles. No questions. No more details.

coffesnort

for patio pick up located near a Home for Those Guys 

Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) gmail.com .
_________________________________________________________________________
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it — NO BODILY FLUIDS ON THIS COUCH (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]– Cannot be “wanted mate” or “wanted sex” or “wanted a hot chick”
– RECEIVED: stapler or breast implants [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

George Washington Invents Station Wagon

By Stan Bergmeyer, Coma News Daily intern and town historian

Although never credited by automobile historians, George Washington invented the station wagon while visiting Coma in 1762.

The invention allowed the father of our country to embark on a lifetime of road trips through all 13 colonies.

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“Inventing the station wagon was really the only way Washington could allow every hamlet, burg and hovel to honestly claim ‘George slept here,'” said Jax Owen, a local auto dealer and car history aficionado. “It was also the only way he could bring the whole family. He had a large family.”

Washington also invented all leather interiors, including seats, floors and windows.

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“The challenge of seeing through leather windows was well worth the fat pleasure of chilling in their mink oil-treated leatheryness,” Owen said.

Early charcoal sketches of Washington crossing the Delaware River atop a floating station wagon, were replaced by a boat in later oil paint depictions to avoid distracting from the historic military victory.

The Coma Futurists Society recently displayed one of the original charcoal depictions of the Washington Wagoneer as part of its “Future Inventions of the Past” exhibit.

“It’s unfortunate but the oil painters managed to whitewash a lot of amazing stuff out of the past,” said Micah Horncraft, curator of the Futurists Society. “For instance, did you know Alexander Hamilton invented the Ham radio?”

George-Washington-Adventures-25

Of all the beds George Washington slept in throughout the 13 colonies, the one he died in is hands down the least popular among vacationing history buffs.

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

[FreecycleComa] OFFER: Kneeling- style desk chair

Kneeling desk chair/ work bench style kneeling desk chair. Cannot be used all day but is adequate for work and for small amounts of time. Does not work well for wishes. Also a good place for cats. Email for pick up with time and date.

pastorjohn (at) gmail.com

kneeling alter

[FreecycleComa] OFFER: Lots of food and booze

tons of food leftover from a party for my 21 year old son!
front steps pickup today. do not email just come by and pick up. near the bowling alley!
kugel, felafel, veggies, cookies, Jim Beam and more!

Must be over 18 to pick up and not be someone who attended the party.

This food is really good! Don’t miss out. Party got a little awkward and everyone left.

 

dscn4494

[FreecycleComa] taken: (funky) 25 ft hose

 

“(dirty) hose with multi setting spray head for pick up does not work well on fires”

This hose is gone. Thanks for all the interest.

 

Fire

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) gmail.com .
_________________________________________________________________________
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]– Cannot be “wanted mate” or “wanted sex” or “wanted a hot chick”
– RECEIVED: stapler [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

Improving Sedentary Options

By Coma News Daily Staff Writer

You’ve emptied the garage, redecorated the bedroom and exercised. But what about your relaxation routine?

Like everything else in life, wallowing around starts to feel stale if you do the same activity, day in and day out.

A recently re-formed committee will soon recommend new ways to improve motionless motivation in Coma.

Coma Mayor Dave Anderson relaunched the inactive initiative ad hoc committee during the town council’s regular monthly meeting Tuesday. The body had been discontinued during a post-New Year’s exercise binge by the town.

“We are excited–in a relaxed way–to bring back an initiative that seems to  diffuse a lot if the anger stemming from the Town Council’s many bans, tax increases, and surveillance initiatives,” said Anderson.

Studies have found that while drinking vodka is easier than doing yoga drinking Vodka produces more shameful mornings.

Studies have found that drinking vodka and  doing yoga are similar relaxation techniques but that drinking vodka produces more shameful mornings while yoga produces more shameful pant situations.

Previously, the group spearheaded a 50 percent tax on sports equipment to fund floaty mattresses for Lake Wallace and big screen TVs with massaging leather chairs at the Coma Community Center.

Mixing up your relaxation program is key to making stress reduction a life-long habit, said Marlee Bumgartner, Coma community activist and shut in.

A study by relaxation scientists at the state university found that when people changed their sedentary routine every two weeks, they were more likely to continue relaxing over the course of two months compared to those who followed the same downtime routine.

“I don’t care how disciplined you are, when resting becomes boring, you stop doing it — that’s just human nature,” said Dr. Jimmy, who describes exertion as the town’s silent killer.