Archive for: June 2015

Coma Teen is the Last Hope for Understanding the Universe

teen 5

Coma teen, Chase Donovan (above), strums his guitar. Donovan said he is working on a song hopes will end all world conflict.

By Coma New Daily Staff

According to friends, Coma teenager Chase Donovan, might be the world’s last hope for understanding the delicate intricacies of the universe.

“Chase just has a lot of really unique thoughts and insights that I don’t see in other people,” 16-year old Sandra Peterson said about her friend.  “Just last week he said to me, ‘Sandra, what do words even mean?’  I was like, wow, I’ve never thought about that.  What do words mean?”

Donovan, a junior at Coma High School, enjoys spending his free time teaching himself to play guitar, writing poetry and thinking about stuff most people don’t dare think about.

“Think about hummingbirds, man,” Donovan said.  “They are these tiny little birds that just fly around all over the place making honey and stuff.  Do hummingbirds make honey?  I might be thinking of bees.”

Donovan recently developed theories about international banking, bread and wristwatches

Donovan recently developed theories about international banking, bread and wristwatches

Dylan Parker, Donovan’s best friend, is convinced it is only a matter of time before Donovan stumbles onto some great new discovery that will change how people see the world.

“I remember this one time Chase called me up and said he wanted me to come over to his place to help him invent a new color,” Parker said.  “It blew my mind.  How do you even go about doing something like that?”

Among the ground-breaking insights Donovan has developed over the past two years is a theory regarding paint, the idea that numbers are strictly a man-made creation and a theory that animals that have fur are a lot like humans wearing jackets or coats when it is cold outside.

“I know he’s young,” Sandra Peterson said. “But I don’t think that should somehow mean his ideas and theories aren’t credible.  His theory on monetary systems, for example, is really insightful.  Think about it, if money is made out of paper, then animals that live in trees are the wealthiest creatures on earth.”

While Donovan claims that he does not feel burdened by his special gift, it does sometimes gives him pause.

“I wonder if I’m the only person in the world thinking these thoughts about things,” the teenager said. “I just don’t think people see the world the way I do or ask the questions I ask.”

Donovan hopes to live in a world where all food, clothing, cars, fuel and health care are free to everyone

Donovan hopes to live in a world where all food, clothing, cars, fuel and health care are free to everyone

One such question, which Donovan recently broached during his American Literature class, is “if books are made of paper, then animals that live in trees are the smartest readers on earth.”  The statement caught many students off guard as the class sat silent trying to make sense of the deeper meaning in Donovan’s philosophical insight.

Donovan plans on spending next summer writing music, playing Frisbee and working the drive-thru at Dairy Queen.

“Think about this; who invented water?” Donovan asked.  “And what did those people drink before they invented water?  Milk?  Maybe.  I have this feeling I’m the only one asking these type of tough questions.”

Pet Pilot Pioneers Paved Path

By Stan Bargmeyer, intern and Coma historian

“Scrappy” O’Hollerhan, a mixed breed Yorkshire terrier and yellow lab, wasn’t much to look at, but boy could he fly.

The mutt was credited with first co-piloting and later soloing a range of aircraft during the early years of aviation in Coma, which became known as the golden era of pet pilots.

Other pioneering pilots that tested an array of experimental planes at various Coma-area airfields in the early 20th century included Trigger, a one-eyed German Sheppard; Frick and Frack, a brother and sister chihuahua team; and Baron von Stinky , a spiny-tail iguana.


The lore passed down among local mailmen and cat breeders tell of terror-filled days avoiding feigned dive-bombing raids.

But they also were happy days that filled the hearts of Coma aviation enthusiasts with pride.

The sacrifices of Coma pet test pilots demonstrated conclusively that rubber band-power flight was not a dependable technology. But such lessons came at a steep price.

By the time federal regulations all but banned flight by domesticated pilots, few of the pilots were left.

The final pet pilot, Scrappy, was last seen flying after a flock of migrating geese and barking like a madman.

His old flight instructor, Ryan Magee, wrote in his autobiography that on clear autumn days he could swear he still heard Scrappy buzzing his house.

Sheriff Cracks Down on Uptown Funk

By Coma News Daily Staff

The shockwaves from Stan Bargmeyer’s viral dance routine continued to echo across Coma this week.
The latest result of a May video showing the septagenarian’s Uptown Funk hip hop dance routine during his grand-nephew’s wedding were nursing home raids by the Coma Sheriff’s Department. The officers were enforcing a new Town Council ban on hip hop dance by elderly residents enacted after seven older residents were hospitalized last month trying replicate the Internet fame of Bargmeyer, whose video went viral.


“They say it’s gotten 4 million hits on You-boob, or something, but I just thought I was dying,” Bargmeyer said about the mild stroke he suffered during the routine.
The dance was the idea of Bargmeyer’s seven-year-old grandson, Johnny Cracker, who was seen on the video shouting “awesome, awesome, awesome” and dancing around his collapsing grandfather as the audience went wild.

“If people can’t dance in an age-appropriate manner then it is our duty to make sure they don’t dance at all,” said Councilwoman Natalie Peters, who suggested the ban.
Sadie Cracker, Bargmeyer’s daughter, said she was happy the boy and his grandfather got to do something fun together–before it was outlawed.
“This epic routine will outlive all of us online and there aren’t even many published authors who can say that,” Cracker said.

Simple decision tree explains the newest ban in Coma.

Simple decision tree explains the newest ban in Coma.

I Drawed It! Glass Can with Olives

In order to foster life long love of learning new skills Coma News Daily will offer, from time to time, information and simple step-by-step instructions on how to create art or other complicated projects.

By Stan Bargemeyer, Local Historian and Coma News Intern

stan and his dog

This is Stan and his dog.

I drew a glass can with olives floating around in it and all I did was imagine what a glass can looks like and then drew that on paper.

Next, I imagined in my mind what olives look like and then imagined what olives would look like if they were floating around in a glass can and then I drew that too!

It was really easy.  You can do it it to if you can imagine it and you have a pencil and paper or a pen or marker of some sort or even paints or things like that.

Don’t limit yourself by your imagination!  You could draw anything.  See my drawing below.

glass of olives

Podcast: Put Me on Couch

It’s 83 degrees in ‘Coma and almost summer. No players are on base and no on is in the dugout. Public warning: the pool is open and anyone can wear a bikini. This is Coma News Daily.

This episode features Shane Darvish director of the Coma Players and the man who made ‘Cats’ even worse than we could imagine.

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Listen to the episode below and thank you for listening.

Study: Women’s Treatment Shows Promise

By Coma News Daily Staff

Women may no longer suffer in silence, based on the results of a new Coma clinical trial.
In an exciting breakthrough for women everywhere, Dr. Jimmy, Coma physician, recently announced the amazing results of a new treatment for hypoactive sexual desire disorder.
Unlike medications advancing through the Food and Drug Administration marketing approval process, Dr Jimmy said his regimen has a much higher efficacy rate and fewer side effects.
“Ever since ancient shamans first described the Spanish Fly, we as a society have struggled to address the enduring medical mystery of chronic headaches, excessive sleepiness and a host of other problems that have unfairly limited women’s desire,” Dr Jimmy said. “Today we have the answer.”
Instead of a complex drug regimen, Dr Jimmy’s holistic therapy requires only common household items of booze, darkness, and the perception of wealth in a partner.
“The results are staggering,” Dr. Jimmy said.

The women following his regimen reported ten times the satisfaction of those on a placebo treatment of mineral water, disco lights and financial distress.
“These are some of the happiest women I have met, so the treatment’s effects seems to spread throughout their lives,” said Dr Jimmy.
However, it is unclear whether the treatment, known as booze, blackness and bank (B3), will be able to garner regulatory approval without the marketing heft of a multi-billion dollar pharmaceutical company or billionaire-backed activists.
“There won’t be any flashy ads or street marches for this treatment but real, quiet science is its own reward,” Dr. Jimmy said.
For the sake of our species’ survival, let’s hope this treatment comes to more than that.

Local Woman Struggles to Sell Homemade Baseball Card Collection

bbcard cano

By Coma News Staff

Coma self proclaimed screenwriter and artist, Dee Collins, revealed this week that despite her best efforts, sales for her homemade baseball card collection have been “meager” at best.  Collins began making the cards in her spare time nearly three years ago to assemble one of the most impressive card collections in the region while generating additional income through sales.

“Whoever said ‘the easiest path to making millions is to create homemade baseball cards’ was full of it,” Collins said.

Collins said she was surprised her hand-crafted cards have not sold considering each card is a “one-of-a-kind collectible”.

bbcard pujols

Above: This rare Albert Pujols card was created by Collins shortly after the all-star first baseman signed with the Angels last year

Collins first sale to Micah Horncraft of Coma fell apart at the last minute.

“None of the cards feature a holographic watermark that changes colors,” Horncraft said.  “I only purchase authentic Fleer or Upper Deck cards because they have higher re-sell values.”

bbcard oakland pitcher

Above: Card for an unidentified Oakland A’s pitcher. Collins said she couldn’t remember who it was supposed to be but thinks it could apply to most of the pitchers on the Athletics’ staff

Collins, who in her mind is an accomplished writer, has completed nearly one-thousand screenplays and said she will likely try to bundle the cards with her screenplays to create additional value.

“I’m working on screenplay sequels to ‘Field of Dreams‘ and ‘The Natural,” Collins said.  “Actually, I’m also working on a sequel to ‘Moneyball‘, which takes place in outer space and a prequel to ‘Eight Men Out.'”

Reading Challenge to Empty School

By Thomas Steven John, Coma News Daily Future reporter

Some of our furry four-legged friends act as companions to families, guides to the disabled and aids to police and fire units. But other adorable, cuddly creatures are best left alone.

That is one of the many lessons Coma Elementary School students will learn on Friday when “reading wolverines,” brought to encourage reading, will escape and run rampant through the school.

The coming “weasel-pocalypse” came to this reporter in a sweat-soaked fever dream.


Wolverines are not good pets or good at reading.

The delighted squeals of small children in Mrs. Black’s second grade class will give way to teachers screaming “They’re in the walls, they’re in the walls!” when several of the reading buddies chew through their steel mesh cages.

The frantic and disorganized school-wide evacuation may complicate future reading abilities of the children who struggle with reading and will now associate it with furry vengeance.

But the incident will do nothing to dampen the enthusiasm of leader the Paws to R.A.W. (Reading Assistance Wolverines) program, Natalie Peters.


Hugh Jackman is good at reading but he only pretends to be a wolverine in movies. He also uses a phonetics based teleprompter to help him while he animatedly reads children’s books. Coma schools could not afford Hugh Jackman.

“Wolverines listen to them in a nonjudgmental way,” said Peters, when contacted about the coming events. “It kind of breaks down the emotional barriers and the judgment because when teachers ask them to read they get nervous and uptight. There’s just something magical about a small animal snarling at you that helps build a lifelong love of reading.”


Hugh Jackman was able to write this on paper when he was hanging out in his air conditioned trailer while shooting a movie. He can also read this.

The program was implemented for the first time earlier this year at Coma Elementary. Each child has 20 minutes on Fridays to read one-on-one with the wolverine. The class started out with one of the small predators, a three-year-old Eurasian wolverine named Princess Buttercup. The cage-wrecking escape was likely caused by the addition of a second, eight-year-old North American wolverine, named Puddin-Head.

Town Councilman Jax Owen assured this reporter preventive safety steps would be taken.

“There’s no bag limit on these suckers, right?” Owen’s said.