Archive for: November 2014

Saved by the Dog

The following is one in a series of intermittent excerpts from Coma residents’ blogs published by Coma News as a community service


An LOL Girl Mystery- Solved


Marybell Davis, 26 years old, Awesome blogger of awesome things

What is the magical secret to success for couples who stay together?

I’ve heard that about a billion years ago, girls worried about losing a guy would try to get pregnant with his baby. Sounds pretty Lifetime now but the baby strategy supposedly worked to keep some couples together for a while.
But for people who are not 100, forever is now like 10 years.
So how do two people make it for 10 whole years?
First, think long term. This is seriously hard when you really try it.
Then, get a puppy. What? A puppy? Why not a kitten?
First, a puppy doesn’t live as long as kids do, and doesn’t cost as much but it still gives you something that ties you with your boyfriend for 10 years.
Best part? You don’t have to get fat and pregnant to have a puppy You just have to go to the adoption shelter.
Make sure you name the puppy together and every time your guy thinks he’s sick of you he’ll think again because he loves that dog so much. And sorry cat people, but any guy worth having will have no problem leaving a cat.
So next time you see a couple with a dog, remember who’s really got the leash. Score!
Daddy Warbucks: Did you find a meaningful job and a life for yourself Marybell?
Me: No way, Daddy! But I did solve the mystery of how to make your boyfriend “stay.”

Ghost, Peanuts Haunt Playoff Game

By Coma News staff
A long-dead athlete and the overwhelming odor of peanuts briefly disrupted a minor league playooff game Wednesday.
Sports fans attending the Coma Classic Series of Baseball were treated to a special performance by the ghost of Randell Rudolph, Coma Wildcats pitcher from 1923 to 1928. Rudolph died on the bench during a peanut allergy attack.


“He just walked right up onto the plate and threw three solid pitches,” Don Johnson Michaels, Coma News editor and Wildcats manager, said.  “If he had thrown real baseballs we could’ve won the game.”
The stadium was simultaneously filled with the oppressive odor of roasting peanuts causing numerous apparently allergic children and their families to flee.
Some fans speculated that Randell returned for the anniversary of his near no-hit game in 1928, during which he died just the last inning.
“It was the only bloody interesting thing to happen in this stadium all season,” said Robert MacGuiness.
Rudolph was the heart of the Coma Wildcats in his day. He became famous for his extravagant post-game parties, sensational pitching, and severe alcoholism.
“I’m having the field blessed by one of our top priests before each game from now on,” Mayor Dave Anderson said during a post-game interview. “We don’t need anymore drunk ghosts wandering around town–and that goes double for the Civil War reenactment field.”
Anderson declined to comment on his plans for the reenactment field.
Despite the spiritual assistance, the Coma Wildcats lost 3-1 to the WIliamsburg Willem Dafoe’s, which is their third loss in a row.
The team next plays the Hawkston Eagles on Saturday at Eagle Memorial field during bring your laser pointers to the field day.

Candidates Get Out Election Day Vote

Jax Owen, Come Town Council candidate on the Organizing for Hugs ticket, was optimistic about his chances in Tuesday’s election.
“We ran on a really positive, inclusive message that everyone deserves extensive interpersonal contact with their elected representatives,” Owen said. “And I think the voters–especially the amazing women of Coma–really felt that come across.”
Town Councilwoman Natalie Peters, Party of the People too Poor to Party (PPPP), also expressed confidence.
“I have every hope that the people will choose wisely and avoid putting any aggressive molesters in charge of this town,” Peters said. “After all, no one wants a riot.”
Both Owen and Peters made news with their campaigning, which in Peters’ case included the application of campaign stickers to the bodies of unsuspecting passing residents using an eight-foot pole.
Coma Mayor Dave Anderson was one of the few outwardly worried candidates even though he’s running unopposed this year.
“Sometimes I think this entire town needs a vacation,” he said

Making Sausage Is Easy If You Follow The Directions

By Stan Bargemeyer
A lot of people ask me, “Stan, how do you make your world famous sausage?”
So I tell them: It’s easy if you follow the directions.

The great thing about sausage is you can purchase it from any store. I like to go to Jimmy’s Grocery near the water tower in Coma because their coffee is pretty good and a lot of times I’ll see my friend Donald outside sitting on his Rascal. If you bring Donald some peanuts he’ll actually drive his rascal right in to the store and get you whatever you need.
Sometimes, I don’t have him go in for me because I like to go chit chat with little Jimmie Thompson, who bags the groceries. Jimmie is 80 years old and has a bunion on his left toe that causes him all kinds of pain all the time. I like to tell him home remedies like soaking it in pickle juice and marshmallows. I’ve also suggested he just take a pocket knife to the sucker and cut it off but Jimmie has a blood clotting problem and swears he’d bleed to death. But I don’t believe him because Jimmie’s lied for 80 years.
Then it’s time to pick the sausage. It depends on what I am feeling like. Hot? Mild? Italian?
Within a couple hours I get back home to cook the sausage, then there are just a few more easy steps:

1) take the sausage out of the wrapping
2) cook it on the stove

Careful, it’s hot!

Our Town Goes Up In Flames

By Coma News Staff

A fire of animal origin tore through Our Town last night, leaving characters homeless and hopeless.


The entire production went up in flames due to an electrical short and a wild pit bull.

“It’s hard to describe what losing ‘Our Town’ means to Coma especially since I ran a grunge soundtrack throughout the play.” says Shane Wilhem Darvish, director of Coma’s theater and also owner of a pit bull rescue establishment in Coma. “What’s worse is that Mr. Jingle Balls is no longer with us after chewing through those electrical lines.”

The dramatic events unfolded last night when Mr. Davis’ pit bull chased actor Chase Donovan who climbed a cord in a vain attempt to escape the production’s mascot. Mr. Jingle Balls’ efforts to gnaw the electrical cable to pieces electrocuted the dog and sparked a fire in the back of the playhouse/yoga studio.

“I’ve never seen a dog chew through an electrical wire like that.” said Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib who attended the practice to oversee Our Town’s pyrotechnics.

Donovan suffered burns over less than 1 percent of his body.

Our Town is not boring if you add grunge music in the background.

Our Town is not boring if you add grunge music and a live twitter feed to the production.

“It’s a real shame the show won’t go on,” said Coma Mayor Dave Anderson. “I suggest people instead check out Save the World as we bring back disco to the Coma Commons this weekend.”

Darvish said that after an appropriate mourning period he hoped to retry launching the production, which aimed to combine pyrotechnics and giant live Twitter display with grunge music running throughout and an oversized visage of Kurt Cobain instead of a moon in pivotal scenes.

The death of Mr. Jingle Balls and and the actor’s injury drew a variety of responses from town residents.

“From what I’ve heard about Our Town it sounds like the dog took one for the team,” said Jax Owen, a local businessman.


Classified: Want to Sell My Horse Bones in a Burlap Sack OBO

horse bones

Got a burlap sack with some old horse bones.  Will trade for whatever you have.  Maybe you have some pepper gum or rocks.

The burlap sack is strong.  Hasn’t been used for dragging heavy things around on the ground.  I take care of my burlap supplies.  The horse bones weren’t mine but I found them under ground when I was doing some digging a few years ago.  I had an empty burlap sack so I thought I’d throw the horse bones in it and that’s how it happened.

I would sell them for money if you want.  Or we can trade for them.  They’re in good shape.

Real fine horse bones.

Contact Lil’ Pete and we can work something out.

Authorities Dissect Fight at Walton’s Chainsaw Emporium

Authorities said the men were fortunate the fight didn't start near the new "Sharpest Things In The World" display that featured such items as this Lunar Steel ax

Authorities said the men were fortunate the fight didn’t start near the new “Sharpest Things In The World” display that featured such items as this Lunar Steel ax


By Coma News Staff

Two men were arrested yesterday following a fight at Walton’s Chainsaw, Blade and Pillow Emporium.  According to police reports, the two unidentified men began arguing in the blades section but came to blows in the popular pillow section of the retail warehouse .

“I just can’t believe how goddamn lucky them boys are,” store owner, Calvin Walton, said.  “We got rows and rows of blades and knives and cutlery and swords and axes and hatchets and even some Chinese throwing stars and these two end up smacking each other with pillows.”

The source of the argument was not released by authorities but witnesses said they were arguing loudly in front of the new “Sharpest Things In The World” display.

“I was rummaging through a barrel of ice picks and heard some commotion,” Stan Bargemeyer, who witnessed the altercation, said.  “I saw these two young guys cussing up a storm near the scythe aisle and saying how they was gonna put a hurt on one another real bad.”

“It was Monday,” Walton said.  “Every Monday we got our ‘Live & Loud’ promotion going on where we just lay out a shitload of chainsaws, crank them up and leave them running on tables.  Had it come to fisticuffs any sooner, I reckon we would have had us an old fashioned chainsaw fight.  One of them boys would have lost an arm for sure.  Those bastards a just lucky.”

The dispute escalated into a physical confrontation in the pillow section.  Both men armed themselves with pillows and took to exchanging blows before being separated by store employees.  Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib  arrived soon after and arrested the men.

According to reports, one man suffered minor puffiness around the eye after being struck repeatedly with a Dream Supreme Plus gel fiber-filled pillow.  No other injuries were reported.

“It really is an amazing thing that nobody died from being suffocated by a pillow,”  Sherrif Paul T Frostnib said.