Archive for: October 2014

All the Drama of Post Season


An LOL Mystery: Why Is Baseball So Thrilling?

Editors’ note: The following excerpt of blog by a Coma resident is presented as a community service.

Marybell Davis, 26 years old, Amazing Life Lived, Awesome Blogger of Awesome Things

I have a boyfriend. He’s amazing. He created the Hug Club in Coma and he’s running for office. I don’t see him a lot because he’s so busy but since we are like so together I post all about him all over my Facebook. Oh, and he’s rich. So we will be super happy.

Recently, he said, “if you want to come over I am watching post season baseball. It’s exciting.”

When I arrived at his house it was the sixth inning and he’d had eight beers. Apparently drinking is an important part of baseball.

I noticed right away that baseball doesn’t have cheerleaders (boo) and it’s hard to tell who’s winning because both teams have really low scores and are wearing ugly uniforms (except for the hats).

I started asking my bf a lot of questions about the game and he told me to hush because it was really exciting.

So I waited for the excitement to happen and here’s what I saw:

A guy came up to a plate with a bat–bf takes a drink,
Another guy on a mound of dirt (gross) across from him spits, and then he throws a ball–bf drinks,
The guy at the plate either hits or misses and this goes on forever–bf drinks.
Sometimes the guy with the bat gets a chance to run–bf drinks a lot. Running guy usually gets tagged by a guy who was standing around for an hour until a ball *yuck* came his way– bf takes a shot,

Finally running guy has to go back to a hole where all the guys hang out (probably smelly) until it’s their turn to to do it all over again– bf can drink to that!

Although I don’t think I’ll ever care enough to learn how baseball works, I did realize that what makes baseball really exciting is the drinking.

Mystery solved. This private dick (gross) is on the case.

Daddy Warbucks: how’s the job search Marybell?

Me: Hows this for a job? I solved the mystery of how to make baseball exciting.
You say bottom of the eighth; I say bottoms up.

Tough Mother Challenge Comes to Coma

By Coma News Staff


Pregnant women across Coma started training this week for Coma General Hospital’s redesigned Birthing Obstacle Course. In the vein of the every popular ‘Tough Mudder‘ challenge, couples must navigate their way under barbed wire, conquer a rope climb, and swing over a pit of recently jailed convicts in order to access Coma General’s Labor and Delivery.

Coma Birthing Obstacle Course

Jillian O’Connor practices for The Big Belly Crabwalk

Marlee Bumgartener, local activist and supporter of the course said, “The teen birth rate may be down in Coma (due in small part to the banishment of all 13 year olds) but too many children are still being born. This course will make people think twice about having children.”

Couples will have to weigh the pros and cons of parenthood and asses their ability to tackle challenging physical obstacles. New additions to the course include a tightrope walk dubbed The Umbilical Cord, The Stretch Mark Maze, and The Big Belly Crabwalk. Besides physical challenges, potential new moms must also endure puzzling mental challenges such as, “where the hell did I put my car keys a toddler is screaming in my face”. Construction of the course was completed by the creators of Coma Landmine tours.

The grueling course may leave some couples reeling, says Sadie Cracker, adding, “Isn’t the decision to parent enough of a challenge and the actual failure of being a parent enough of a challenge? Not sure what the obstacle course solves especially since it’s being subsidized by a beer label.”

Intercourse beer is a proud sponsor of the birthing obstacle course. Intercourse beer's slogan, "made with the finest barely and the smallest hint of regret. "

Intercourse beer is a proud sponsor of the Coma General birthing obstacle course. Intercourse beer’s slogan, “made with the finest barley and a hint of regret. “


As always, parents who fail to complete the course in the specified time-frame will be forced to deliver and register their baby’s birthplace at a hospital outside of Coma. Transportation costs will not be covered by Coma General.

A $200 entrance fee is required for couples and a $250 fee applies to single mothers. Pets welcome!

Mayor Seeks Super Support

by Coma News staff
Coma needs a hero, Coma Mayor Dave Anderson said Thursday.
Any super heroes in the town’s midst need to “step forward and fulfill your destiny,” Anderson said at a Rotary Club luncheon yesterday.
“If you’re out there and you can hear my voice, please know that we are experiencing a severe crisis in our community and need your help,” Anderson said to the nearly 60 luncheon guests.
Anderson said the heroes qere needed to address a recent surge in unpaid parking and turn signal-related fines.
“This is the hour of our despair,” Anderson said about an estimated $75,000 budget shortfall blamed on the unpaid tickets. “If you have been waiting for a right moment to make your presence known, I beg you to do it now.”

superhero front page

Mayor Anderson called on regular citizens like the one above who may have some amazing super-power and have been waiting to unveil it to the world.

Anderson elicited praise from some residents.
“I’ve always thought I could control animals–or at least predict when they’re gonna crap on my lawn, which I admit is basically every day,” said Town Council member Bob Smith-Smith.
Others were dubious.
“That’s the kind of speach you give for a robot uprising or an evil mastermind ravaging the city, not for some minor parking infractions and moving violations,” Micah Horncraft said.
In a post-speach interview, Anderson elaborated on his plea for help.
“Maybe you’re a math or science expert and you’ve recently been bitten by an insect, or maybe you found a powerful ring or sword or some crap like that,” Anderson said.  “Those are the kind of people who close budget gaps.”
Anderson went on to urge citizens who weren’t sure if they had super powers to try lifting boats, cars or other heavy objects over their head or to even consider stepping in front of a bus or truck to test whether or not they may unwittingly have freakishly super capabilities.
As of press time, no super heroes had come forward.

1859: Sharon C. Anthony Begins Cleansing

By Stan Bargemeyer, Coma News intern and historian
Ground-breaking pioneer Sharon C. Anthony arrived in Coma and launched a still-thriving movement in 1859.
The younger and far more alluring  sister of Susan B.  Anthony was not always so attractive.

Thanks to Sharon C. Anthony of Coma women were no longer bound to their corset but rather bound to a toilet or an outhouse but only for a finite amount of time.

Thanks to Sharon C. Anthony of Coma women were no longer bound to their corset but rather bound to a toilet or an outhouse – only for a finite amount of time.

It was after accidentally drinking a concoction of apple cider vinegar and salt water while lost near the ocean that Sharon discovered the first ever juice cleanse.
Shortly thereafter, Anthony settled in Coma 20 pounds lighter and no longer needing her corset. She started selling the bottled concoction to women and created her own, lesser-known women’s movement.
“I look upon these womyn bound up as they are in their corsets and am filled with a desire to help them move where their insides would lead them, my dear sister,” the younger Anthony wrote to her dowdy sister.
Her movement grew to a thriving industry. And the hand-full of shapely women still living in Coma today likely have Sharon to thank.