Archive for: September 2014

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Sep. 16 Living no comments
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Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

[FreecycleComa] OFFER: sobriety shirts

Six or seven t-shirts and one sweatshirt, all in great shape. Sobriety-themed (AA/NA) – most or maybe all size XL. Behind Bear’s Biker Bar.

I don’t want to give you an email. Would rather stay anonymous. They’re outside the bar in a box labeled Coors Light Liquid Nitrogen.

 

 

[FreecycleComa] TAKEN: quickcrete cleaner/neatsfoot oil for toe nail fungus

These were taken. Please return the garden shoes and the mailbox. I was not giving those away. I need the mailbox immediately for mail purposes.

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_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) gmail.com .
_________________________________________________________________________
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]– Cannot be “wanted mate” or “wanted sex” or “wanted a hot chick”
– RECEIVED: stapler [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

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Court the Vote?

Sep. 16 News no comments
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Why face judgement from one person when there’s a whole town of judgmental people available?

That is the question at the heart of Mayor Dave Anderson’s latest legislative initiative, which he proposed at the first Town Council meeting after a summer-long hiatus.
The proposal to replace Coma criminal court judges with a popular vote in each case was sparked by Anderson’s ire that the defendants in a recent brawl were found not guilty. Davis Barnhardt and Johnson Weathers were cleared of property damage charges last week following an August fight at Walton’s Chainsaw and Pillow Emporium.
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“We as a society have evolved beyond the antiquated ideas of innocent until proven guilty and burden of proof,” Anderson said. “if ‘American Idol’ has taught us anything it’s that people have almost a limitless wisdom to divine, well, anything.”
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The proposed legal system would require the accused to re-enact the alleged crime for a viewing audience, which would then vote on their guilt.
Several council members agreed.
“Our court system is hobbled by the crutch of evidence, when the more modern concepts of ‘coolness’ and ‘amazery’ are totally ignored,” said Councilmember Bob Smith-Smith, whose son, Jon, was convicted of selling drugs out of the basement of Smith-Smith’s home. Smith-Smith describes 35 year old Jon as a tiny dancer in his hand and hopes that an “Idol” type of appeal with acquit him of what 30 witnesses and a surveillance tape showed him doing.
But early opposition also emerged.
“Whoever is best at kicking the crap outta everyone else should win–or not be guilty,” Owen said.
Local curmudgeon Robert McGuiness instead urged “let’s just throw out all liberties and start all over while drinking a pint and playing tiddlywinks.”
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Coma Medical Community Urges Citizens to Help Identify Scurvy Symptoms

Sep. 11 Living no comments
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By Coma News Staff

Coma physician, Dr. Jimmy, urged Coma citizens to “help identify scurvy symptoms” as the town faces one of the most severe scurvy outbreaks in nearly 3 years.

“The most important thing we can do in our fight against this silent killer is support our neighbors and report any and all scurvy symptoms,” Dr. Jimmy told a captivated audience during a special town meeting on Monday night.

“There are many symptoms of Scurvy that you might want to read about on Web MD but some of the most important symptoms to look out for are swollen, spongy and purplish gums that are prone to bleeding or neighbors with loose teeth or people walking around with bulging eyes,” Dr. Jimmy continued. “Also watch out for people who have very dry hair that breaks off close to the skin. These are people hang out close to the hair salon but do not go in.”

Dr. Jimmy urged citizens who see any of  these general symptoms to contact authorities immediately.

Last month, two cases of the deadly disease were reported, although both were later re-diagnosed as symptoms from drug and alcohol abuse.

Last week, three more cases of the disease were reported by town officials at a weekly town council meeting. Those  cases are also being investigated but the point of origin for all cases is the same- Bear’s Biker Bar.

This pirate does not have scurvy because he ate an orange.

This pirate does not have scurvy because he ate an orange.

According to Dr. Jimmy, one of the major challenges during an outbreak of any disease is confusion and false information.  He reminded the crowd on Monday night that there is no medical proof that scurvy is contagious and urged people to take the following precautions:

1. Stay inside unless you absolutely have to leave your house.

2. Don’t exchange bodily fluids with strangers.

3. Don’t eat dairy products from strange animals such as goats or chickens.

4. If you get cold, consider wearing a coat or covering with a blanket

5. Drink plenty of water but not water from the ocean.

6. Avoid shaking hands, spitting on people or getting spit on by people, and any action that may result in severing a limb

7. If possible, consider eating some foods that are high in vitamin C.

This card was incorrectly handed out to Coma citizens on how to help them identify Fish Scurvy. The scurvy in Coma has been identified as land scurvy passed on by inappropriate contact with a pirate.

This card was incorrectly handed out to Coma citizens on how to help them identify Fish Scurvy. The scurvy in Coma has been identified as ‘land scurvy’ which is not caused by inappropriate contact with a pirate.

“This shit seems to be escalating,” Coma used-car salesman, Jax Owen said. “I’ve stopped all contact with my lady friends until this gets resolved.  Jax ain’t going out on scurvy.”

Town officials will hold a press conference at the end of the week to update citizens on the crisis and provide “solutions” for concerned community members.

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Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Sep. 08 Living no comments
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Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

[FreecycleComa] OFFER: JEN-AIR STAINLESS STEEL GAS GRILL AND SIDE BURNER

IN PERFECT WORKING CONDITION AFTER IT BLEW UP.
MUST BE PICKED UP ASAP.
jenn-air-barbecue-grill-02contact: Sharon

[FreecycleComa] Wanted: Anything made of latex

I am looking for anything made of latex. If anyone has some extra I could greatly use it. List below! Thanks!

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Swimsuit

Raincoat

Pantyhose

Balloons

Duct tape

Gloves

 

These will be used for an outdoor research project behind a friend’s house.

Bob Smith-Smith

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) gmail.com .
_________________________________________________________________________
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]– Cannot be “wanted mate” or “wanted sex” or “wanted a hot chick”
– RECEIVED: stapler [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

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Stolen ‘Book of Grievances’ to be Returned

Sep. 05 News no comments
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By Thomas Steven John, future news reporter
Do 10,000 plus one wrongs make a right?
Coma residents may soon find out following the theft of their central repository of perceived wrongs, slights, misdeeds and injuries.
The Coma Book of Grievances, which was stolen earlier this week, will be returned to Coma residents one anonymous page at a time, this reporter learned in a peyote-fueled fever dream.

This list of Grievances toward Papa John's Pizza was put inside the book of grievances last year but was on cardboard rather than notebook paper and was removed.

This list of Grievances toward Papa John’s Pizza was put inside the book of grievances last year but was on cardboard rather than notebook paper and was removed.

The compilation of perceived wrongs that Coma residents have anonymously recorded for 147 years actually stretches for 26 massive volumes.
“Somebody must have had a truck and some moving guys to get those suckers  out of here,” said Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib.
The theft left town leaders concerned about possible legal ramifications.
The book is “primarily slanders, libel, lies and bullshit,” Coma Mayor Dave Anderson said. Numerous entries in recent years have focused on the alleged actions of the mayor.
The imminent return of the book–one page at a time–through the mail, email, tweets and notes tied to thrown rocks, left some residents uneasy.
“Ah, love notes of past pain; this should be a hell of an autumn,” Sadie Cracker said when told of the imminent return of the book.

This is the Book of Mormon which was stolen from the hands of Mormon missionaries when the man who opened the door was angry because he was expecting Papa John's Pizza.

This is the Book of Mormon which was stolen from the hands of Mormon missionaries when the man who opened the door was angry because he was expecting Papa John’s Pizza. This is not the Coma Book of Grievances.

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1832- Town Celebrates Log That Resembles Andrew Jackson

Sep. 05 Coma History no comments
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By Coma News Intern and Historian, Stan Bargmeyer

First discovered by Vincent St. Preaux in 1832, Coma’s famous Log-that-Resembles-Andrew-Jackson was the toast of the town for nearly two decades.  The eight-foot log captivated residents of Coma, who found the uncanny resemblance to War of 1812 hero, Andrew Jackson, to be a sign that the town was destined for greatness.

log looks like andrew jackson

Above: Can you tell which of the above is the log and which is President Andrew Jackson? Neither could many Coma residents in the 1830s.

As St. Preaux recounted his discovery in a letter to Coma physician, Adolphus Pratt, in 1844;

“As I stumbled through the wild, my heart suddenly sank to some deep recess of my body.  Who is this I have trespassed upon on this winter’s eve? It is the nation’s savior and president, Andrew Jackson! My heart raced as I drew near! I bowed in his presence and requested counsel with him but for only a moment. I asked him what great storm had altered his course in such a way that he now sat on the forest floor like a vacated elk carcass. It was only after many repeated unanswered questions that I took a closer look and realized it was not, in fact, our great leader, but a log.”

The log was put on display in a small park near the center of town.  Visitors flocked from afar to see for themselves the miraculous log that some Coma residents claimed was an exact replica of the man who saved the nation from peril during a bloody war with the British.

Eventually, the fanfare surrounding the log subsided and many forgot about the precious artifact.

However, in 1881, the log was rediscovered during park renovations. Eventually, the log was abandoned in the forest outside town.

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Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Sep. 02 Living no comments
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Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

 

[FreecycleComa] Wanted: Anything related to the 60s

uzzle_woodstockColor_couple

Hello Community

I am in search of the following items in preparation for a party I am organizing with a Woodstock theme. If you have any of the following to donate, it would be much appreciated:

-Twister Game
-Hoppity Hop (Big ball with handle that you bounce on– please make sure it’s clean)
-Anything Tie Dye including underwear

-LSD
-White all cotton shirts/sweat shirts/towels/sheets to tie dye
-Gumby and Pokey anything
-Troll doll anything
-Anything with peace sign
-Lava Lamp or weird light lamp

-condoms

-mud

I am able to come to you to pick up.   Please contact Natalie Peters

[FreecycleComa] OFFER: large bag of women’s socks (about 40 pairs)

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About 40 pairs of women’s socks of assorted types that should fit a range of standard shoe sizes. Most look like ankle socks or a little higher, and there are about 16 pairs of animal prints, 15 pairs of miscellaneous prints and colors, and 9 pairs of white socks. Most have been worn at least a little but seem to still be good for more wear. They have been laundered but may need re-washing since they come from a home with a lot of dogs and cats and have been sitting in the bag for quite a while. Bag does not include the socks the woman was wearing when she passed away.

Please take all. Thanks. Debbie

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) gmail.com .
_________________________________________________________________________
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]– Cannot be “wanted mate” or “wanted sex” or “wanted a hot chick”
– RECEIVED: stapler [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

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