Archive for: August 2014

Pet’s Loss Fills ‘Bucket’ of Hope

by Coma News Staff

The recent tragic death of Mr. T will not be in vain, his former owner has vowed.

Mr. T, also known as Mr. Tweet-Tweet-Tweetybird, was the parakeet of Councilwoman Natalie Peters. The bird was caught and eaten on April 1 by red-tailed hawk while flying outside his cage–an item on the pet bird’s bucket list.

“Mr. Tweet- Tweet died like he lived: Flying away from me,” said Peters, in a heart-felt speech at Wednesday’s City Council meeting. “It’s time to stop the unnecessary bird-on-bird violence.”
Peters proposed an ordinance to confer “all rights and responsibilities enjoyed by Coma residents” on any non-raptor pet birds living in the town.
Peters said her campaign for public support of parakeet personhood will entail her finishing Mr. T’s bucket list for him.
“I promised him skydiving and that he could go to a strip club before he passed on,” she said.

This year Peter's has lost three birds to her "bucket list effort'. Butch and Sundance (pictured on the left) were killed by a rogue tabby cat while eating their last steak dinner.

This year Peters has lost three birds to her parakeet “bucket list effort’. Butch and Sundance (pictured on the left) were killed by a rogue tabby cat prior to eating their “final steak dinner”.

The parakeets’ rights push elicited strong opposition from some residents.
Robert McGuiness, a former reporter for Coma News Daily, said during happy hour at  Bear’s Beer Barn that he understands that “not everybody’s into bird-on-bird action,” but personhood is unwarranted.
“A parakeet lives in a cage, it tweets, It has feathers.” McGuiness said. “This pea-brained bird–his brain is literally that size–had no idea about bucket lists or any other movie cliche.”
Instead, McGuiness urged a “personhood awareness” movement where humans “realize what we have and what an amazing life we get to live every day.”
“Maybe we should start there before conferring rights on every bloody thing that moves,” McGuiness said. “Maybe this happy hour is making me too sentimental.”
Peters’ first of a series of planned skydives into area strip clubs is scheduled for Friday.

Coma Citizens Show Bald Support for Woman’s Stark Loss

micah and wife 2

By Coma News Staff

In what one witness has described as a “terrible, terrible accident” Coma resident Micah Horncraft “accidentally” shaved off all his wife’s hair and sold it on eBay. Horncraft claims the incident happened while the couple watched Antique Roadshow on PBS but declined to give more information as the couple is still trying to piece together the event.

“I messed up,” said Horncraft, Director of the Coma Futurist Society and former owner of  The Grape Hut.  “A series of unexpected events culminated in me shaving my wife bald and selling her hair.”

Horncraft was mortified to learn that his eBay auction item #155-98452-098332 had closed and he would be receiving a check for $14.60 but used the money to purchase lunch at da’Foot Bucket on Monday for his wife.

“The couple will not file charges against Antique Roadshow or Ebay,” says Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib. “And that’s a relief because everyone loves Antique Roadshow. I just had a hummel appraised by them for $450.”

“Not sure how you ‘accidentally’ shave anything? Seems like something you would do if you were upset with someone,” Robert McGuiness former Coma News reporter said. “In theory a person would have to know you were shaving  them or you would have to have the person tied down or drugged during the process.”

Friends have rallied around Cindy Horncraft creating ‘bald is beautiful’ tee-shirts and sending casseroles and wigs to support the family during this difficult time.

“Bald or not she’s still a very effective woman,” commented Horncraft’s friend and avid ghost hunter Jax Owen. Owen, Car Dealer and now running for political office in Coma, has spent months at the couple’s home trying to help them locate a noisy apparition that has made it impossible for them to sleep in the same bed.

 

A sketch of the ghost Horncraft claims haunts his home

A sketch of the ghost Horncraft claims haunts his home

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

 

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

 

[FreecycleComa] wanted: halloween outfit for baby boy ( 4 to 6 months)‏

I am looking for a baby boy outfit for halloween for my child to wear on his first Halloween. Nothing weird.
I would be flexible for pick up. Some ideas for costumes for my baby below (if you have these costumes lying around I’ll take them)…
My mother-in-law suggested I spend some time and creativity making my own costumes but why do that if you have one of these costumes available for free?
Bacon-Costume-300x23422717_10151288966738939_157980177_nl_Baby_TacoSuccess is neither magical nor mysterious. Success is the natural consequences of consistently applying the fundamentals” Jim Rohn or someone who makes up inspirational sounding quotes
Thanks so much.
Sherrie

[FreecycleComa] WANTED: flashlights, lanterns or any camping equipment‏ (pick axe, chainsaw, duct tape, wire, tar, strong acid)

I am taking my girlfriend to the woods and I’m looking to have some fun. I don’t have any equipment we need to have a lot of fun in the woods so if you do that would be great. I am available to pick up at any time and will wear gloves so you don’t need to worry about me getting the tools dirty with my fingers/ fingerprints.

I can return everything to you cleaned if you only want to lend it to me. The acid and tar will be more difficult to return but I will return anything we don’t end up using…for camping…in the woods.

Emails Joe if you have any of this available. townofcoma (at) gmail.com

P1060059

[FreecycleComa] Offer: romance in Bear’s Biker Bar

Romance novel available. Meet me inside the bar. I am there daily between the hours of 2pm and 2am.

Charlie

da062606a0a153282d3ea4ee4233b678

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) gmail.com .
_________________________________________________________________________
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]– Cannot be “wanted mate” or “wanted sex” or “wanted a hot chick”
– RECEIVED: stapler [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

If You Practice Enough it is Easy to Take a Selfie

Stan Bargemeyer

Being 75 does not mean you have to stop understanding new gadgets or trends. I remember when Buzz Aldrin walked on the moon,  when Equal was created as an artificial sweetener and when Magnum PI began and ended but I can still get hip with the kids, get my “fro yo” on (that’s cold yogurt) or take a selfie.

I was concerned that taking a selfie would be unsafe if you consider radiation from the phone or falling if you try to take a selfie while you walk but through my research and from trying to take a selfie on my own I found it is very safe.

Taking a selfie is not hard to do and is very safe for anyone at any age.

The selfie is when you take a picture of yourself and you can’t get hurt when you take it.

“A selfie is to show people the real you unfiltered.” says Bob Smith-Smith my friend. Bob is a member of the Coma Town council so I believe him.

First I took a picture of a tree.  Then I took a picture of a kid peeing on my grass. Then I took a picture of my car, a bunyon on my foot and my knee blisters.

But I couldn’t figure out how to take a picture of my face.

“You have to turn the camera image so you see yourself in phone and then take the picture.”  my friend Bob said. So I turned the camera up over my head, to the side, bent down and tried to take the picture and got stuck in a squat position but finally it worked.

Here’s my picture:

This is not a selfie of Stan Bargemeyer. This is a selfie of a small Sloth making a duck face. Stan Bargemeyer could not actually provide us with the selfie he supposedly took for this opinion piece.

This is not a selfie of Stan Bargemeyer. This is a selfie of a small Sloth making a duck face. Stan Bargemeyer could not actually provide us with the selfie he supposedly took for this opinion piece.

I did not get hurt or lose a limb.  No, taking a selfie is not dangerous or scary at all.

 

Stan Bargemeyer is a Coma News intern and also a self proclaimed town historian.

Team Parent Competition Heats Up

By Coma News Staff
Don’t let the unseasonably mild August fool you: the tension between Coma football parents is heating up and the kerfuffle is not over concussions.

ironmanintraining
The seasonal effort of the Over-Invested–as some coaches have begun calling the most active parents–kicked off with an unsolicited team speech by a father and assistant coach of the Coma Crawfish 9-10 year old’s football team.

“This season will be a success only if other teams a literally afraid of being being tackled and gnawed to death by our boys,” said Jax Owen who is a local businessman, father and is running for a council seat this fall in Coma.

bob_latham-winners_and_losers-web-small

 
Meanwhile, Sadie Cracker, a leader of less actively engaged parents–known as the Sleepytime Club–organized an intra-practice happy hour of team moms at a nearby restaurant earlier in the week. “I hope my boys don’t actually play this year.” she said. “I am only here because they need excersize and this is the only organized sport in Coma. I  really don’t want them to play or get hurt.”
“I feel pretty good about the mix of parents,” said Dr Jimmy, head coach for the Coma Crawfish 6-8 year olds. “A good mix of crazy and laconic helps move this mess forward without–usually–going completely off the rails.”

haters
Dr. Jimmy said he’s got his eye on a couple of “hot prospects” among the team moms but is waiting to see if they fall in the insanely competitive or insanely lazy camps.

Queries and Quislings

Dear Query Guy,

My husband wants time away from me to hang out with his guy friends. Is this normal?
When I hear him talk with his guy friends it’s all poop jokes and Clash of Clans strategy.
Is it normal for my husband to want to be around his friends or is cheating on me?
Sometimes when he goes to play poker I call him until he finally picks up the phone (so he knows I care) and he’s mad.
How do I make him understand that he doesn’t need time away from me and what he needs is more time with me?

Girl Looking Out for Marriage
images

Dear GLOM,

There was a time in the not-too-distant-past when men and women were literally shackled together until one or both succumbed
and shook off their Earthly coil.

But since laws have changed and the invention of the automobile have allowed
for quick escapes in the middle of the night, new tactics are needed to address your particular concern.

Some experts advise counseling, couples retreats or tranquilizers but those are only band-aids for a larger problem.

Another equally advantageous but difficult idea would be for you to find things of your own you like equally to
his Clash of Clans obsession and find some enjoyment separate from him.

I have found nothing that brings my flower more immediate joy than a seasonal fire hosing of our
tenement properties with some of her friends.

But I realize such tandem fire hose handling is not always an option.
hit it with a hammer front page

That is why I retreat to my honeydew’s advice and urge you to hit it with a hammer. Hit your fear of finding your own
sense of self and being alone with a hammer.
Or at least threaten to do so and see what results spring forth.

Ich liebe dich,

QG

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

[FreecycleComa] Offer: uncoupled trailer w/ball hitch

This trailer can be used to tow things like your ex wife’s furniture. It must be hitched on to the back of a truck…. However it needs work and cannot be used until fixed. It needs new tires and new lights. It needs to be cleaned. This trailer IS NOT CLEAN.

email with date and time for pick up.

Dr. Jimmy

IMG_2201

[FreecycleComa] Offer: Cookbooks

Miscellaneous cookbooks, circa 1970.

Hungarian, natural food, Mexican.

This is the kind of stuff you get rid of when your divorce is finalized. I hate Hungarian food, Jimmy.

Contact Dee Collins with pick up date and time. Unless you are my ex husband. If you are my ex husband you cannot have these cookbooks.

apocalypse

[FreecycleComa] Taken: Official Boy Scout Woodcarving Project Kit

This was taken by my next door neighbor. Thanks for all the interest. Don’t have the time to work with the boys on this right now.

Thanks again.

Sadie

 

Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) gmail.com .
_________________________________________________________________________
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]– Cannot be “wanted mate” or “wanted sex” or “wanted a hot chick”
– RECEIVED: stapler [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.