By Coma News Staff A recent roaring musical performance on the Coma Commons to a turn for the political when its leader urged Coma resident to rise up against authority. "Everyone in Coma is sick of the man--or the woman--telling him or her what to do," said Mayor Dave Anderson, lead singer for 'Save the World,' said at last Friday's concert. "We gotta tell these preening overlords to get the hell out of our lives." Anderson's mid-concert speech came amid a performance of punk classics by a band that until last week appeared to be a Golden Oldies tribute band. Other members of the Coma Town Council fill out the band's membership. But even the band's first gig two weeks ago was not without issues.
"I've never heard 'Puff the Magic Dragon' played worse and it's a horrible song to begin with," said Jax Owen, owner of Jax Used Cars. "Why can't this town do anything well?" said Robert McGuiness, the first openly Scottish pool player in Coma. "Could you not quote me as the first Scottish pool player in Coma? Thanks." The band was heckled by a gaggle of geese at its previous performance while singing 'Sound of Silence.' "There's a good chance those geese will be dealt with by animal control," Bob Smith-Smith, guitarist and Town Council member. "You don't mess with punk." Like the Ramones before them, 'Save the World' will play the Town Commons this Friday. A planned "rage zone" will charge $10 to members of the public, 100 percent of which will go to the band's "town council campaign fund" to fight the man.
Boy stuff – cars, misc. toddler and preschool level. The motor oil is used. I wasn’t sure if someone could use it again in their car. Please take it all and freecycle what you can’t use. Do not drink the motor oil.
email with pick up time
Janine Roberts townofcoma (at) gmail.com
I got this ping pong table from another Freecycler a year or two ago. It saw some use (though not as much as I had hoped). The (lightweight, aluminum) base is beginning to separate from the table portion and is probably no longer sturdy enough to hold it up. At least one of the plastic wheels have bent under the weight of the table. That said, the (much heavier) regulation size ping pong table surface (two pieces) seems to still be usable.
If you want to try to fix it up or just use the table surface pieces on top of your own table, you are welcome to it.
If anyone has a rolling pin they no longer use (but still in usable condition), I would very much appreciate it. I am also looking for someone who knows how to bake pies and have an extra room available for the right person. I decided I would really like fresh pies but I am sick of going to the store. Thanks! Willing to travel in the near vicinity. Spare room in my apartment has it’s own private bathroom.
email me if you feel you have the right rolling pin/ personality for pie baking. Room and board is free.
Coma residents will soon ask ‘”What the heck is a plebiscite?”
It’s the rarely used legislative tool that’s about to make history–and ban your car, your bike, anything you use to transport yourself from one place to another–Coma News has learned (in a peyote fueled fever dream).
The summer-long hiatus of the Town Council will lead one local activist to propose a popular vote next week to amend the town charter banning the use of any transport but horses in town during daylight hours.
The first-of-its-kind vehicular ban was the brainchild of Davis Montgomery, publisher of Coma News.
“Since you’re ruining yet another surprise, you might as well extoll the virtues of the equestrian lifestyle over the cramped and stuffy confines of vehicles,” Montgomery said when asked about the initiative.
Montgomery plans to offer some of his 5,000 horses for lease once the ban is in effect.
The initiative will generate controversy among the subset of residents aware of the legally binding power of even a sparsely attended popular vote. Particularly strong objections will arise from avid bicyclists, every driver in town and people who enjoy walking.
“Where am I supposed to practice my rear wheel hops?” Chase Donovan, a local teen, said when told of the possible ban.
Local parents and daycare operators raised concerns that the vehicular ban would place particular burdens on them.
“Posh, in years past whole families would pile upon a single steed,” Montgomery said. “What’s more, at a single stroke we will resolve our childhood obesity and Type 2 Diabetes crises, as well as our fair town’s less-appreciated manure shortage.”
“Actually horse riding does little for childhood obesity.” said Dr. Jimmy, Coma town physician. “It can help the horse with an obesity issue.”
May 13, 2014, 8:12 pm- Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib responds to a report that a vehicle was stopping at mailboxes. Suspect was released once he was identified as the mailman.
May 14, 2014, 11:11pm – Disorderly Person- Bear’s Bear Barn: Coma Sheriff reponds to report of a giant chicken in the parking lot drinking whiskey and yelling at people as they passed by.
May 15, 2014, 9:34am – Coma Lake- Man calls the Coma Sheriff’s office to report a belligerent squirrel preventing him from using his boat dock. The caller said he understood that nothing could be done about it, but wanted the officers to know “what kind of squirrels are running around the community and hanging out at the lake” according to the Sherrif’s report.
By Coma News Staff
NO CHARGES FOR FIGHTING CHICKEN
Authorities announced this week that Gary, the fighting chicken recently involved in an attack on director Shane Darvis, will not face criminal charges.
The chicken viciously attached the director during the first all-animal rendition of the famous Greek comedy, “Lysistrata” on April 28.
“It is a sad day for Coma when a criminal like Gary is allowed to fly free,” Darvis said from his couch where he is still recovering from multiple scratches. “I guess he really didn’t fly free. He walked. Or waddled? Strutted?”
MAYOR REASSURES CITIZENS ‘LORD OF THE RINGS’ “CAN NOT HAPPEN HERE”
Mayor Dave Anderson addressed local media this week in an effort to assuage concerns regarding the possibility that events from the popular film series “Lord of the Rings” could happen in Coma.
“There is no evidence that any of the stuff portrayed in those films could happen in our town,” Anderson said. “The things in those movies took place thousands and thousands of years ago.”
TEEN UNVEILS CONTROVERSIAL ECONOMIC PLAN
After days of research and late nights, Coma teen, Chase Donovan, unveiled a highly controversial worldwide economic plan in his fourth period Current Events class this week.
According to Donovan, the solution to world poverty and hunger is to make currency a free commodity so that people had money to purchase food, water and video games.
“Think about it, if money were free to everyone, there would be no need for people to go without money,” Donovan said. “Just have a place where people can go and get as much as they want.”
MAYOR ANNOUNCES NEW WEATHER REPORTING SYSTEM
Coma Mayor Dave Anderson announced this week that in an effort to ensure 100 percent accurate weather reports, the town would implement a new post-weather reporting system. The system will report the weather after-the-fact to provide citizens with a 100 percent accurate weather report.
“No more guess work,” Anderson said. “With this new system, you will know precisely what the weather was yesterday. It’s THAT accurate.”
Do you like being underwater?
Do you like hockey?
Coma Aquatic Center is sponsoring an Octopush Training.
Octopush is a name someone made up for underwater hockey.
In this sport two teams of six try to push a puck using a stick into the opposing team’s goal (underwater). Although this sport is played around the world, it has not gained a major following.
Let’s start an Octopush fire except underwater and not in a forest!
You do not need to know how to swim, breath underwater or understand Hockey to play this sport. Join us this weekend.
Free beer and brats afterward (no eating before swimming) sponsored by Jax Used Cars!
Date: Saturday May, 17th
Place: Coma Aquatic Center
Who: Anyone who owns a bathing suit. No tailgating prior to the event.
What: You do not need to swim or like hockey!