Archive for: May 2014

Advertorial: Muckracking for a Living


By Coma News Staff
A new trash service aims to bring new meaning to reduce, reuse and recycle.
Robert McGuiness, a former Coma News reporter, plans to use as much of the rejected possessions and trash hauled away by his new waste removal service.
bob waste removal large ad
“Living off the detritus of others is something that years of reporter-level pay has well-prepared me to do,” McGuiness said. “Actually, a bunch of second hand throwaways should substantially improve my standard of living.”
For instance, McGuiness recently became a pet fish owner for the first time after a client hired him to haul away a fish tank containing Siamese Fighting Fish.
bob waste removal 125 x 125 v1
“Hopefully someone will throw away some fish food soon,” McGuiness said.


‘Save the World': Join Us in Fighting the Establishment

By Coma News Staff

A recent roaring musical performance on the 
Coma Commons to a turn for the political when its leader urged Coma 
resident to rise up against authority.

"Everyone in Coma is sick of the man--or the woman--telling him or her what to do," said Mayor 
Dave Anderson, lead singer for 'Save the World,' said at last Friday's 
concert. "We gotta tell these preening overlords to get the hell out of 
our lives."
punk rock band 1

Anderson's mid-concert speech came amid a 
performance of punk classics by a band that until last week appeared to 
be a Golden Oldies tribute band. Other members of the Coma Town Council 
fill out the band's membership. But even the band's first gig two weeks ago was not without
Before they transformed to punk 'Save the World' was reliving the amazing songs of the 60's in a cow field.

Before they transformed to punk ‘Save the World’ was reliving the amazing songs of the 60’s in a cow field.

"I've never heard 'Puff the Magic Dragon' played worse and it's a 
horrible song to begin with," said Jax Owen, owner of Jax Used Cars. 
"Why can't this town do anything well?" said Robert McGuiness, the 
first openly Scottish pool player in Coma. "Could you not quote me as 
the first Scottish pool player in Coma? Thanks."
The band was heckled by a gaggle of geese at its previous performance while singing 'Sound of Silence.'
"There's a good chance those geese will be dealt with by animal 
control," Bob Smith-Smith, guitarist and Town Council member. "You don't
mess with punk." 

Like the Ramones before them, 'Save the 
World' will play the Town Commons this Friday. A planned "rage zone" 
will charge $10 to members of the public, 100 percent of which will go 
to the band's "town council campaign fund" to fight the man.

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

[FreecycleComa] OFFER: box of random toys and some motor oil

Boy stuff – cars, misc. toddler and preschool level. The motor oil is used. I wasn’t sure if someone could use it again in their car. Please take it all and freecycle what you can’t use. Do not drink the motor oil.

Used motor oil can remove some carpet stains.

Used motor oil can remove some carpet stains.

email with pick up time

Janine Roberts townofcoma (at)

[FreecycleComa] offer: ping pong table, needs work

I got this ping pong table from another Freecycler a year or two ago. It saw some use (though not as much as I had hoped). The (lightweight, aluminum) base is beginning to separate from the table portion and is probably no longer sturdy enough to hold it up. At least one of the plastic wheels have bent under the weight of the table. That said, the (much heavier) regulation size ping pong table surface (two pieces) seems to still be usable.

If you want to try to fix it up or just use the table surface pieces on top of your own table, you are welcome to it.

If you can't figure out how to make it work we've used the table as a skate ramp.

If you can’t figure out how to make it work we’ve used the table as a skate ramp.

If you can come in the evening, I’m willing to help you lift it. With two people, it may be tough—we may want to coordinate bringing a screwdriver to take it apart. You will need a truck. Or you could just break it into small pieces and fit it in a sedan type car. Probably the best idea since the table is crappy at best at this point.
Email me with pick up time. Table will be next to the curb near the trash but it IS NOT trash.
John Livingston townofcoma (at)

[FreecycleComa] WANTED: Rolling pin for kitchen and/or someone who can bake pies with it

If anyone has a rolling pin they no longer use (but still in usable condition), I would very much appreciate it. I am also looking for someone who knows how to bake pies and have an extra room available for the right person. I decided I would really like fresh pies but I am sick of going to the store. Thanks! Willing to travel in the near vicinity. Spare room in my apartment has it’s own private bathroom.



email me if you feel you have the right rolling pin/ personality for pie baking. Room and board is free.


Thanks, Bonnie



Prancing Back to The Future

By Thomas Steven John, Future Reporter

Coma residents will soon ask ‘”What the heck is a plebiscite?”
It’s the rarely used legislative tool that’s about to make history–and ban your car, your bike, anything you use to transport yourself from one place to another–Coma News has learned (in a peyote fueled fever dream).

The summer-long hiatus of the Town Council will lead one local activist to propose a popular vote next week to amend the town charter banning the use of any transport but horses in town during daylight hours.

The new sign will read: no motor vehicles, bikes, legs and feet or anything that transports other than a horse.

The new sign will read: no motor vehicles, bikes, legs and feet or anything that transports other than a horse.

The first-of-its-kind vehicular ban was the brainchild of Davis Montgomery, publisher of Coma News.
“Since you’re ruining yet another surprise, you might as well extoll the virtues of the equestrian lifestyle over the cramped and stuffy confines of vehicles,” Montgomery said when asked about the initiative.
Montgomery plans to offer some of his 5,000 horses for lease once the ban is in effect.
The initiative will generate controversy among the subset of residents aware of the legally binding power of even a sparsely attended popular vote. Particularly strong objections will arise from avid bicyclists, every driver in town and people who enjoy walking.
“Where am I supposed to practice my rear wheel hops?” Chase Donovan, a local teen, said when told of the possible ban.
Local parents and daycare operators raised concerns that the vehicular ban would place particular burdens on them.

“Posh, in years past whole families would pile upon a single steed,” Montgomery said. “What’s more, at a single stroke we will resolve our childhood obesity and Type 2 Diabetes crises, as well as our fair town’s less-appreciated manure shortage.”

“Actually horse riding does little for childhood obesity.” said Dr. Jimmy, Coma town physician. “It can help the horse with an obesity issue.”

This horse has an obesity issue and will be helped by the ban.

This horse has an obesity issue and will be helped by the ban.

Coma Weekly Police Blotter


blotter 2

May 13, 2014, 8:12 pm- Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib responds to a report that a vehicle was stopping at mailboxes. Suspect was released once he was identified as the mailman.

May 14, 2014, 11:11pm – Disorderly Person- Bear’s Bear Barn: Coma Sheriff reponds to report of a giant chicken in the parking lot drinking whiskey and yelling at people as they passed by.

May 15, 2014, 9:34am – Coma Lake-   Man calls the Coma Sheriff’s office to report a belligerent squirrel preventing him from using his boat dock. The caller said he understood that nothing could be done about it, but wanted the officers to know “what kind of squirrels are running around the community and hanging out at the lake” according to the Sherrif’s report.

News In Brief- May 15

new brief front page

By Coma News Staff


Authorities announced this week that Gary, the fighting chicken recently involved in an attack on director Shane Darvis, will not face criminal charges.

The chicken viciously attached the director during the first all-animal rendition of the famous Greek comedy,  “Lysistrata” on April 28.

“It is a sad day for Coma when a criminal like Gary is allowed to fly free,” Darvis said from his couch where he is still recovering from multiple scratches.  “I guess he really didn’t fly free.  He walked.  Or waddled?  Strutted?”


Mayor Dave Anderson addressed local media this week in an effort to assuage concerns regarding the possibility that events from the popular film series “Lord of the Rings” could happen in Coma.

“There is no evidence that any of the stuff portrayed in those films could happen in our town,” Anderson said.  “The things in those movies took place thousands and thousands of years ago.”


After days of research and late nights, Coma teen, Chase Donovan, unveiled a highly controversial worldwide economic plan in his fourth period Current Events class this week. 

According to Donovan, the solution to world poverty and hunger is to make currency a free commodity so that people had money to purchase food, water and video games.

“Think about it, if money were free to everyone, there would be no need for people to go without money,” Donovan said.  “Just have a place where people can go and get as much as they want.”


Coma Mayor Dave Anderson announced this week that in an effort to ensure 100 percent accurate weather reports, the town would implement a new post-weather reporting system.  The system will report the weather after-the-fact to provide citizens with a 100 percent accurate weather report.

“No more guess work,” Anderson said.  “With this new system, you will know precisely what the weather was  yesterday.  It’s THAT accurate.”


First Openly Scottish Player Drafted in Coma Pool League

By Coma News Staff

Only the most ardent billiards fans or committed alcoholics are usually present for the Coma Pool League’s annual draft.

But on Wednesday night something special happened at Bob’s Beer Hole. History was made.

Robert McGuiness was drafted in the first round of this season of pairs billiards by last season’s returning runner-up team, Ball Smackers.

“Are you literally serious?” McGuiness said when his name was called by Jax Owen, Ball Smackers’ owner and team captain. “Is it too late for me to withdraw my name?”


Predictably, the reaction to the first openly Scottish pool league player, both supportive and ugly, was strong on social media and elsewhere.

“$36.50 for anyone who will switch with me,” McGuiness tweeted shortly after the draft. “I’m serious people, please don’t ruin the next four months of my life by making my play with this guy.”

Others downplayed the historic nature of the selection of McGuiness, who spent recent months sharpening his pool skills after he was terminated by Coma News.

“This is all about talent, not what pathetic country he’s from,” Owen said about his teammate.

Marlee Bumgartner, activist and shut-in, hailed the selection as important not only for the billiards league but for the entire town.

“Have you heard his accent?” Bumgartner said. “I’m serious, ask him to say aluminum. Amazing.”

Community Events: Octopush Training

Do you like being underwater?

Do you like hockey?

Coma Aquatic Center is sponsoring an Octopush Training.

Octopush is a name someone made up for underwater hockey.

In this sport two teams of six try to push a puck using a stick into the opposing team’s goal (underwater). Although this sport is played around the world, it has not gained a major following.

Let’s start an Octopush fire except underwater and not in a forest!

You do not need to know how to swim, breath underwater or understand Hockey to play this sport. Join us this weekend.

Free beer and brats afterward (no eating before swimming) sponsored by Jax Used Cars!

Time: 4:46pm

Date: Saturday May, 17th

Place: Coma Aquatic Center

Who: Anyone who owns a bathing suit. No tailgating prior to the event.

What: You do not need to swim or like hockey!


Octopush is underwater but you don't need to know how to swim!

Octopush is underwater but you don’t need to know how to swim!