Archive for: May 2014

News In Brief – May 30

By Coma News Staff

whats happening

Openly Scottish Player Victorious
The first openly Scottish player in the Coma Pool League won his first game on Wednesday.
Robert McGuiness helped lead his team, Ball Smackers, to its first victory over its arch rival, Steady Strokes.
“I really wish you’d stop writing about me,” McGuiness said when asked about the role that his unique background played in the victory.
Next up for the historic billiards player is a match Tuesday against the dominating duo of We Like Nuts.

New Dating Service Coming
Bob Smith-Smith, Coma Town Council member and musician, will soon add entrepreneur to his list of accomplishments.
Smith-Smith announced this week that he plans to start a dating website exclusively for adults who live in their parents’ basements.
“I was inspired by my son, Jon, whom I couldn’t be prouder of,” said Smith-Smith, who also performs as Spazzo the Clown.

Pet Cull Coming
Question: Who let the dogs out?
Answer: The person who wants them collected as part of the town’s annual pet cull coming up this weekend.
So check those pets, fences, locks and cages because if you want it, here it is, come and get it.

Coma Weekly Police Blotter

 

blotter 1

 

May 24, 2014, 9:34 am -Shoplifting – John’s Market- A Weight Watchers volunteer was charged with shoplifting cup cakes from the bakery by putting them down her pants.

May 25, 2014, 6:12 pm- A man disguised as Zorro jumped form the bushes in front of the local McDonald’s brandishing a water gun and robbed Sadie Cracker of two children’s Happy Meals in the 3400 block of E. Market Street.

May 27, 2014, 2:11 am – Woman reported to police that she has been stalking herself on Tinder, Match.com and other dating websites, as well as LinkedIn. Caller accused herself of bullying by denying herself snacks and other chocolates in order to “look better and lose some weight.” No charges were filed.

 

Pants-Related Plebiscite Planned

By Coma News Staff

Coma residents will get a chance to reconsider both a recent ban on all non-horse-driven transportation in town and a large neighborhood’s new clothing rules.
The popular vote–scheduled for June 15–is the only law-making tool available due to the Town Council’s summer-long, music-related hiatus.

 

This woman in Coma is riding without pants but the dress provides protection which may be another option for citizens of Coma.

This woman in Coma is riding without pants but the dress provides protection which may be another option for citizens of Coma.

The planned vote to reverse an earlier plebiscite banning non-equestrian traffic in town followed several “saddle-related” injuries.
“Let’s just say people should wear pants when horseback riding,” said Dr. Jimmy, a Coma physician who treated several residents.
The injuries also included several concussions.
“Who seriously thinks a fancy hat provides any horse riding protection, whatsoever?” Dr. Jimmy said. “Apparently, a lot of people.”

Justin Bieber can wear a fancy hat and no shirt while riding a horse but this is not something that should be attempted by non celebrity horseback riders.

Justin Bieber can wear a fancy hat and no shirt while riding a horse but this is not something that should be attempted by non celebrity horseback riders.

The possible horse-transport reversal came shortly after equestrian lovers were celebrating the announcement that pants-less riding will be added to next year’s Sixth Annual Coma Games.

“I have come to realize that few thrills in life can compare to pant-less dressage,” said Davis Montgomery, publisher of Coma News and the driving force behind the town’s horse riding requirement which has benefited his horse farm.
“Hopefully these car- and attire-addicted zombies will not vote to send us back to that madness.”

 

Competitive Wife Carrying Training

Do you have a wife? Do you know how to competitively carry her?

Do you want to learn how to win at carrying your wife competitively?

This is a seminar where you learn that wife carrying is not just for fun it’s a test of endurance and sportsmanship.

Sign up online or in person at the Coma Recreation Center.

All kinds of wives and “carriers” welcome — we do not discriminate.

 

Wife carrying is an endurance competition and not a sprint.

Wife carrying is an endurance competition and not a sprint.

 

Wife carrying, which originated in Sonkajärvi, Finland, is a sport in which male competitors race to carry their female teammate through an obstacle course in the shortest time. Not only does the winner of the Wife Carrying Championship in Sonkajärvi get the glory of being the number one wife carrier, he also wins his wife’s weight in beer. 

Your wife can be heavy or light you just have to carry her through an obstacle course.

Your wife can be heavy or light you just have to carry her through an obstacle course.

 

Where: Coma Aquatics and Recreation Center

When: All weekend long during normal hours of operation.

What to bring: Your own wife and a towel. Workout clothing is encouraged. Wet suits discouraged. Bondage instruments discouraged.

 

Wanted: Boyfriend/Husband/employer

Have you ever wanted a live in girlfriend, wife, or employee but found the whole enterprise cost-prohibitive? Well fellas, have I got a deal for you.
My daughter is 5’3″, 103 lbs. and I am told of average attractiveness. I am offering–on a sliding scale–payments for any of the following scenarios:

1) you hire my daughter for work. My daughter has no practical skills but is theoretically capable of learning some.

2) you date my daughter. This option only works if you are a self motivated individual who can take care of her and get her to move out of my house. She had no practical skills.

3) you date and marry my daughter. She comes with a family-owned beach house, no cooking skills, and the ability to organize house cleaners.

Dad-Photos-Capture-True-Meaning-Fatherhood

Mystery Solved: How to Stay Married

 

 

by Marybell Davis

 

25 years old, awesome blogger of awesome things, all mysteries SOLVED

As Coma’s only private detective, the biggest mystery I could ever solve is how people stay married for ‘as long as they both shall live.’

This weekend My Internet friend Kanye and his amazing Kim (double K wedding) got married so I wanted to solve a mystery for them: How to stay married.

After doing a lot of Internet research I saw that most people don’t stay married. There seems to be lots of reasons why this happens including people getting too fat for their pants, Danielle Steele novels, and excessive farting. But the real marriage killer seems like stress–from raising kids, paying bills and endless commutes. I don’t know about any of these things but I might know something about stress if I think about it hard enough. (thought complete)

Since I have almost no stress. I realized  ‘Marybell, you have solved the mystery of stress.’

How did this private dick (ew) stop the Big Bad Stress Monster? Three easy-to-follow steps:

1) Sleep. I never get up before 10 and usually not before noon.

2) Eat. I can overcome almost any blues with enough ice cream (usually in bed).

3) Avoid. Stay away from anyone you have arguments with. Like sometimes I don’t talk to my Dad for almost a week (unless I need money–stress!)

S-E-A, see? Mystery solved.

Angry Daddy: did you get money for solving this mystery Marybell?

Me: No, but I saved everyone’s marriage, including Kim and Kanye.

 

I solved the cigarette mystery last week and now it's on to solving all the marriage mysteries!

I solved the cigarette mystery last week and now it’s on to solving all the marriage mysteries!

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

 

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

[FreecycleComa] WANTED: Furniture (will travel up to 75 miles)‏

My husband and I (and our baby dog) are closing on a house tomorrow. We are very excited, but we are coming from a one-bedroom apartment, so we lack the proper furnishings for a whole house. We need couches, a table, chairs, and bedroom furniture. We’ll transport it, of course.

We would love a sumo wrestler end table but will take any furniture you want to give away as long as it is matching and a brand like Ethan Allen.

We would love a sumo wrestler end table but will take any furniture you want to give away as long as it is matching and a brand like Ethan Allen.

 

[FreecycleComa] taken: bag of pencils some tampons

This has been taken. One person took all. None left. Please stop emailing.

This bag holds tampons and pencils. The bag and the pencils and the tampons have been taken. Stop emailing me.

This bag holds tampons and pencils. The bag and the pencils and the tampons have been taken. Stop emailing me.

 

[FreecycleComa] WANTED: Red hat with flaps 1950s style (Holden Caulfield)

My son needs to create a short video based on “The Catcher in the Rye” for his English class and he needs Holden’s red cap with flaps.  He also needs someone to be Holden and also edit the video. Would like someone who can bring the hat and do everything else he needs.

I need a hat exactly like this one. Person should also know how to act like Holden Caufield and should be able to shoot and edit my son's video.

I need a hat exactly like this one. Person should also know how to act like Holden Caufield and should be able to shoot and edit my son’s video.

 

Coma Weekly Police Blotter

blotter 2

Vandalism, Miscellaneous Property Crimes

May 17, 2014, 1:40 am- A resident called the Coma Sheriffs office at 1 a.m. to report that his patio furniture was on top of his car.

May 19, 2014, 11:11pm – A man complained to the dispatcher that someone was leaving bags of marijuana in his trashcan.

Noises

May 20, 2014, 9:34am – After a resident reported noises, a stranger in a suit and tie was found on the roof of her home.

Animals Disrupting ‘Quiet Enjoyment’

May 21, 2014, 11:34am – A family and their pets were ‘held hostage’ by a raccoon that entered the house through the doggie door.