Archive for: April 2014

C’mon Junior Nature Lovers!

CES green team logo
This advertorial does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily.
By Coma News staff

Coma Elementary School invites local students
to learn about nature and our delicate environment by signing up for 
the CES Green Team!

For a small monthly fee of $25 children can 
join the Green Team that supervises care for the CES garden. In addition
to valuable gardening skills so critical to living in a more 
sustainable way, participating students also will learn to identify and 
remove invasive species around the grounds that irresponsible humans 
have brought to our town, such as honey suckle plants. Boo!

Green Team recruits also will master a
range of skills critical to saving our environment, including mulching, 
weeding, lawn cutting, fence painting, light electrical work, toilet 
maintenance and so much more!

green team photo 1

When Green Team youth cadets have 
mastered these skills we'll take our love of the environment on the road
and provide all manner of services around town (don't forget to have 
your parents sign the legal release forms)!

Former Green Team cadet first class Chase Donovan described his experience as "cool."

So join the fun, kids!

And remember parents, 
signing your kids up for a one year commitment to the Green Team is 
really the least you can do to keep the planet from melting down and 
killing us all.

Long Live Green Team!
To join Green Team write

*This is an advertorial and does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily."

Larping Duel Ends in Sore Back

dr jimmy sore back

By Coma News Staff

Dr. Jimmy, Coma physician, cancelled a highly anticipated LARPing duel with Town Councilmember Bob Smith-Smith shortly after it began due to “unfair hitting in the back when [he] wasn’t ready and not following the dang LARPing rules.”

“It was not cool at all because I clearly yelled ‘hold,’ and he hit me in the back when I wasn’t expecting it,” Dr. Jimmy said. “That’s not legal. And then he acted like he did something great.”

According to spectators, the entire duel lasted less than one minute. After Dr. Jimmy made a series of opening moves that some said resembled jumping jacks or modified calisthenics, Smith-Smith tapped his foam-wrapped “sword” onto Dr. Jimmy’s shoulder. The physician quickly called “hold,” which is the larping equivilant of a time out. But Smith-Smith attacked again, landing a blow on Dr. Jimmy’s back.

Dr. Jimmy grimaced as he left the larping circle and claimed he could not continue because his back “stung like a bitch” and he would not continue dueling with someone who so flagrantly violated the rules of LARPing.

The duel challenge, which Dr. Jimmy issued to Smith-Smith at last week’s Town Council meeting, attracted nearly a dozen spectators. Smith-Smith did not comment afterwards but did fist bump several spectators.

Dr. Jimmy would not comment beyond mumbling that Smith-Smith had not heard the last from him.

A Page 3 Newspaper


 The following is paid advertisement and does not reflect the views of Coma News.
I’ve been trying to get Coma News to publish a letter to the editor on my tenth anniversary of becoming an American citizen but due to certain past kerfluffles they would only publish it if I paid for the space.
Ten years ago I became a U.S. citizen and I’m still not sure why.
Probably because I was here, not in Scotland and American chicks are generally hotter.
Chicks in Coma like their Popsicle sticky.

This ad brought to you by Big Underpants– Coma’s source for the largest underpants in America.

Oh yeah, and I wanted to report on the news. You know, real news, corruption, truth.
After doing the DC cesspool thing I thought a small town was where a single reporter could make a real difference and I fell in love with a burlesque dancer.
The leadership of Coma News said I’d have the freedom to tell the hard truths and break open the moldy corruption at the heart of this town.
This is Coma's best plus sized model.

This is Coma’s best plus sized model. This ad brought to you by Big Underpants– Coma’s source for the largest underpants in America.

Coma News and I have since parted ways. And this once great newspaper has descended to knob slobbing coverage of the products of Coors, Wheats and whatever other big money John is willing to pay the freight.
Journalism shouldn’t be about money or ratings or earning living wages.
It should be about the truth and telling the stories that people need to hear, and Page 3 girls–not necessarily in that order.

Probably page 3 first then everything else.
This woman looks nothing like women alive or dead in Coma.

This woman looks nothing like women alive or dead in Coma.