Archive for: April 2014

Advertorial: The House of the Little Peoples Q and A

Apr. 22 Living no comments
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As the latest in a series of Q&As with local businesses, Coma News Daily recently sat down with the owners of House of the Little Peoples.

 

Coma News: What is House of the Little Peoples and when did it open?

Marlee Bumgartener: When my father immigrated to Coma in the 80’s from he met my mother, an American, and together they started The House of Little Peoples in 1983, as a preschool.

Arash Daroodi: House of the Little Peoples opened in 2013 and each year.

MB: My father considers each school year the “first year” but we have been open since 1983.

CN: What is the most important thing to you about the day care center?

MB: My dad is very proud of what he created and loves the children. Most importantly, he loves to teach them a solid work ethic. The same work ethic he taught me and my brother.

AD: So in the town of Coma some come and say who will feed the little people while I am work? Who will sleep the little peoples? Who will teaching the little peoples? My daughter is and me are caring for the little peoples with loving hearts. For thirty years we come to America from other peoples country in order to care for little peoples.

CN: Anything else you would like to tell prospective parents about The House of the Little Peoples?

MB: We are excited to take care of and teach your children. We are resonable and have reasonable hours.

AD: All the peoples’ parents must do is pay us weekly $400 and bring the peoples and a blanket. We celebrate the little peoples. We celebrate with loving and care this place we live to make the better little peoples.

 

The House of the Little Peoples has been in business since 1983 but my father considers each year as a new year which is why we have been open since 2013-- Sincerely, Marlee

The House of the Little Peoples has been in business since 1983 but my father considers each year as a new year which is why we have been open since 2013– Sincerely, Marlee

The little peoples house is open Monday – Thurs and all holidays.

 

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Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Apr. 20 Living no comments
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Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

[FreecycleComa] Wanted — something meaningful

 

I’m looking for something meaningful–for my lawn. So far I’ve purchased all sorts of lawn ornaments–a Budha, a lawn gnome, and a statue of Mary. I also have a dream catcher, some pink flamingos and a small replica of a Bob’s Big Boy. But even with all of this my life–and my yard–feels like something is missing. So if you have anything more meaningful or something that would tie it all together–maybe a large rooster statue, or a penguin or a cow. Just need some meaning. I can come to you to pick up. Serious emails only.

Dave Anderson

townofcoma (at) gmail.com

Here are some examples of lawn ornaments that I would be interested in. They seem to have more meaning than my current ornaments.

Here are some examples of lawn ornaments that I would be interested in. They seem to have more meaning than my current ornaments.

[FreecycleComa] Offer: adult size Spiderman costume w/o mask

I am not as fat as I was when this pic was taken. This pic does not show the hole in the crotch. You cannot have the mask.

I am not as fat as I was when this pic was taken. This pic does not show the hole in the crotch. You cannot have the mask.

Spiderman costume without mask. I am keeping the mask. There is a little area in the crotch where the seams have come apart. Can easily be mended with needle though. Adult size. Easy front step pickup close to Coma High School! Give me a date and time. Don’t knock on my front door under any circumstances. Will leave on the steps.

Robert McGuiness

townofcoma (at) gmail.com

 

[FreecycleRockville] Offer: Le Bra car front end cover and assortment of ladies bras (B cup)

Who uses a car bra except for an idiot?

Who uses a car bra except for an idiot?

 

My husband is in jail. This car bra should be as illegal as all the other activities he was in to. He also left me with an assortment of ladies bras that are cnot my size. Please take the car bra and the ladies bras.

Curb pick up near the Coma jail house. Don’t bother emailing me. I will leave everything near the jail on Tuesday when I attend his trial.

Thanks. Susan

 

 

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If You Practice Enough it is Easy to Wear Headphones

Apr. 18 Opinion no comments
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Stan Bargmeyer

It seems like a lot of people wear headphones to listen to music or watch television.  While I was somewhat reluctant to dip my toe into the headphone-wearing lifestyle, I found that with enough practice, wearing headphones isn’t as hard as it looks.

My adventure started a few months ago when I ran into a friend, Bob Smith-Smith, at the Coma diner.  Bob was sitting all by himself listening to music on a little music playing machine.  When I asked him if wearing headphones was hard to do, he laughed and said no,”You just put the contraption over your ears and listen.”

I decided I wanted to get on-board with this new technology so I went to the Coma electronics store on 7th street and bought a pair of headphones.

My first few efforts were disastrous.  There were no instructions or illustrations to show me how to put them on my head.  After an hour of messing around with the device, I gave up.

I tried again, but this time the head phones somehow ended up around my inner thigh which left several bruises near my crotch.

On my third attempt, I nearly choked on one of the headphones.  Fortunately, I did not die, as people sometimes do when putting on headphones.

I was growing more and more frustrated and was ready to give up.

But then I talked to Bob Smith-Smith again and he said, “all you have to do is place the headphones on your head by aligning the round, padded “speakers” to each ear. ” What was even more amazing is that Bob helped me by placing them on my head for me.

If you think you’re ready to give up on the headphone lifestyle, keep trying!  If you’re still having trouble, you could always ask my friend Bob to help you.  I am happy that I kept trying despite all the odds and setbacks.

Stan Bargmeyer, Coma News Intern

 

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Are You Illiterate?

Apr. 17 Classified, Living no comments
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illiteracy

This advertorial does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily

Are you one of millions of Americans who cannot read or write?  Do you struggle in school or at work because you cannot read?

You’re not alone.  But you don’t have to let illiteracy stand in your way to a successful life and career.

At Parker Academic Institute we help thousands learn to read and write every year.  You can be our next success story.

If you are reading this you are ready for help!

Write to us to request a free 283-page book on how you can overcome illiteracy.

Our Literacy Success Guide is filled with hundreds of pages of important and helpful information that will be your road map to learning.

What are you waiting for? Contact Parker Academy today and say goodbye to illiteracy forever!

townofcoma@hotmail.com

 

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Letter To The Editor: Premiere Care Bathing

Apr. 16 Living no comments
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Dear Editor Coma News Daily,

Is a walk-in bathtub right for your NEWSPAPER?

Transform your NEWSPAPER into a premiere car walk-in bathtub and feel the difference. Simple lift power bathtubs are more interesting than DAILY NEWSPAPER and are twice as deep as traditional bathtubs AT YOUR NEWSPAPER.

Free design and custom install at YOUR NEWSPAPER!

Experience what Hydrovescent Therapy can add to the quality of YOUR NEWSPAPER as it relaxes muscles and relieves pressure on joints.

Soft air jets soothe YOUR NEWSPAPER with champagne like bubbles.

We hope to see the difference your NEWSPAPER will feel after we install.

 

Sincerely,

Premiere Care in Bathing

easyaccessshower

Experience Hydrovescent Therapy and the new Spa Series by Premier Care, they help relax muscles and relieve pressure
on joints.
– See more at: http://premiercarebathing.com/#sthash.3XW9NhY2.dpuf
Transform your bathroom with a Walk in Bathtub and relax in water levels twice as deep as traditional tubs. Soak as long as you like in a comfortable and safe upright position, then easily and safely stand up, open the door and step out of the tub relaxed and refreshed. – See more at: http://premiercarebathing.com/#sthash.3XW9NhY2.dpuf
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Fantasy Baseball Team Mounts Dragons this Week

Apr. 15 Sports no comments
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ortiz on dragon 2

 

By Coma News Staff

After a poor start to the season, Coma fantasy baseball manager, Micah Horncraft, announced last night that his all-star lineup would take the field this week atop gold-winged dragons wielding bats crafted from the “finest Cirillian oak from the forest of Eragord.”

“Those who shall dare to pass first base shall suffer the consequences of the old days,” Horncraft said.

Horncraft made the announcement after his team, The Nine Druids of Westhobbin, are in last place two weeks in to the Major League Baseball season.  Horncraft said his team will feature a female warrior named “Ursula the White” and a goblin named “Deadswaug,” who will play shortstop for the fantasy baseball team.

goblin shortstop

Above: Deadswaug, a goblin with a career slugging percentage of .678, according to Horncraft, will play shortstop for Horncraft’s fantasy baseball team this week

Many have questioned the wisdom of inserting fictitious players into a fantasy baseball lineup, however such a move is not unheard of.  Last summer, on his way to a sixth-place finish, Horncraft used a troll named “Hunchmanck” as his starting catcher, saying the 8-foot tall giant would unleash a “scourge on home plate unseen since the days of the Veruvian Wars.”

Horncraft’s opponents said they were not concerned with the announcement.

“I applaud his efforts to put the ‘fantasy’ into fantasy baseball,” avid fantasy baseball player Dr. Jimmy said.  “Considering dragons and goblins aren’t real, don’t play baseball, and don’t generate stats. I don’t see how this could possibly help him win.”

Horncraft was considered benching Los Angeles Angels outfielder Mike Trout in favor of an elvish wizard named “Stoven” but was concerned about the elf’s on-base percentage, which does not exist.

“I’ll track it for another week before making that change,” Horncraft said.  “I hope the dragons will light a fire under everyone’s ass this week.”

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Councilman Pushes Writer Resettlement Initiative

Apr. 15 News no comments
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By Coma News Staff

How do you turn around population decline in Coma and a move from rural areas? One town leader has just the ticket.

Like many rural communities, the number of Coma residents has been flat-to-declining for years.

But getting down is not the Coma way. Town Councilman Bob Smith-Smith has proposed a Coma partnership with Amtrak, America’s leading railroad supplier, to get more writers to move to rural areas like Coma.

“Robert Frost didn’t write about walking down the pavement in Brooklyn, New York on a snowy evening, ” Smith-Smith said. “He was walking in the empty cold as crap woods on a snowy evening.”

Smith-Smith is convinced that the more people write about rural America then the more people will want to move to rural America.

Parts of the proposal aim to move urban writers to rural areas to "encourage" them to write about rural problems that center around cows and food sources rather than urban problems centering around 'Sex and the City' style hook ups.

Parts of the proposal aim to move urban writers to rural areas to ‘encourage’ them to write about rural problems that center around cows and food sources rather than urban problems centering around ‘Sex and the City’ style hook ups.

The initiative raised skepticism among other people, including Councilwoman Natalie Peters, who is from Brooklyn, NY.

“It is totally feasible that Frost could walk down a Brooklyn side walk, see a tree and eat a bagel,” Peters said. “Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I was still living in the land of eternal happiness that is New York. So lets just move on.”

The proposal dovetailed with Amtrak’s writers residency program, which pays writers to use its trains, write about train travel and interact with its conductors, who may or may not be high on crack.

Smith-Smith’s proposal would designate the first stop as Coma, regardless of the writers’ train’s point of origin.

“Not sure why we need more writers here in Coma,” said Robert McGuiness, former reporter for Coma News Daily. “We barely have people willing to read.” Another idea the Town Council has mulled to boost Coma’s population is a range of tax credits for people who have children or actually providing jobs for people who currently live in Coma.

Peters’ said the idea of more children or more job opportunities  was “wildly impractical.”

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Controversial ‘Talk-Surgery’ Declared a Success

Apr. 14 News no comments
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stan and his dog

By Coma News Staff

The first successful use of “talk-surgery” was recently reported in Coma.

The controversial phone-based eye surgery was a “resounding success” for Freckles, the pet of Stan Bargmeyer, Coma resident and widower. The procedure, which Bargmeyer learned about through an unsolicited email from a Kenyan stranger, cost nearly $6,000. But it was money well spent.

“You can’t put a price tag on something like x-ray vision,” Bargmeyer said.

Dr. Leonard Lee, who performed the procedure, wrote only pets could obtain x-ray vision from it.

“I didn’t even have to leave my house and there was no anesthesia involved,” Bargmeyer said. “I wired Dr. Lee the $6,000 and scheduled the over-the-phone procedure at my convenience.  Simplest thing ever.”

The procedure, which entailed holding the phone to Freckles’ ear and eye, took less than 40 minutes and appeared not to harm him, Bargmeyer said. The patient spent most of the procedure licking his crotch.

“There’s no noticeable difference in his demeanor or behavior but he seems happier,” Bargmeyer said. “How could he not be, with x-ray vision?”

Efforts to contact Lee elicited an aggresive viral spam attack.

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