Archive for: January 2014

Blow For Sale

Blow For Sale (hint: it’s a type of powder you sniff, wink wink)

My buyer fell through and I’m looking to off-load some high-quality white powder.  I don’t want to be too specific in a public forum like this, but hopefully you get the idea of what I’m talking about.  It’s a white, finely-cut powder that you sniff in your nose and it makes you really, really high.  That is going to have to suffice.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you probably aren’t someone who would be interested in buying it!  Ha ha ha ha!  Think about it!  I’ve got about two kilos.  Hit me up because this shit is going to move quickly.  NO POLICE!  Contact Steve at


Civil War Paratroopers: An Invention Ahead of Its Time

Members of the 51st Coma Paratroopers stand beneath a tree in Coma  This photo was taken in June of 1862.


By Robert McGuiness, Coma News Reporter, Not an Alcoholic

One of the best kept secrets of the American Civil War was the invention of the parachute.  Although it was never deployed in battle and resulted in numerous and debilitating injuries to the first paratroopers, it  the first paratroopers were rendered mostly ineffective as many suffered terrible leg injuries on their jumps and could not continue to fight.

Although the design of the first parachute was sound and well-made, the elevation the paratroopers made jumps from did not provide sufficient time for the parachutes to properly deploy, meaning many fell several stories onto the ground below.

It would take more than half a century and the invention of the airplane before the parachute was successfully used in combat.  The pioneers of the 51st Massachusetts, although rarely recognized, certainly paved the way for future soldiers.

Coma Police Sketch Artist Retires (finally)

Below: Albert McCallister; the world’s worst police sketch artist

sketch 2

After nearly 40 years on the job, Albert McCallister is finally calling it quits.  Known throughout the police-sketch artist community as inarguably the world’s worst police sketch artist, McCallister’s sketches helped lead to the capture of nearly one criminal in his almost 40-year career.

“I just had some bad luck in my time,” the 89-year-old McCallister said about his poor track record. “Between there being some bat-shit crazy- looking criminals and the fact that most of the witnesses were no goddamn help at all, I can only draw what I’m told to draw.”

McCallister completed more than 1,100 police sketches during his time with the Coma Police Department.  The arrest and conviction of Danny “Three Fist” Callahan in 1985 was partially attributed to McCallister’s sketch of the suspect.

Below: Examples of some of McCallister’s work

sketch 4

“Well, I guess his sketch did lead to the arrest of Callahan,” police Coma Police Chief Raleigh Fitzsimmons said. “What happened was that we posted the sketch in the newspaper and Callahan was so offended by how bad the sketch was that he came forward to file a complaint and we apprehended him at that time.”

McCallister started working for the department in 1974.  At first, he worked only part time but eventually became the department’s full-time and only sketch artist.

“He kind of just kept coming in,” Fitzsimmons said.  “After a while, he was just here.  All the time.  We realized in 1998 that we weren’t even paying him. I didn’t know how to go about firing someone who didn’t technically work for us.”

Below: More examples of criminals sketched by McCallister

sketch 4

McCallister disagrees with his critics.

“I’ve seen some of them assholes they’ve hauled in and then compared them to my sketches and I think it’s pretty goddamned close,” the crotchety McCallister said.  “I mean, they got eyes and a roundish head and most of them got noses and mouths even.  What the hell more do they want?”

Fitzsimmons said that while McCallister was generally liked by the staff, his sketches sometimes sent them on wild goose chases and may have wasted valuable resources.

“Honestly, I felt like we were looking for cartoon characters or aliens half the time,” Fitzsimmons said. “Hell, one time we thought we were looking for a newborn infant baby in a carjacking case. We eventually started using the sketches to help us determine what the suspect did NOT look like.”

McCallister plans on spending his retirement sketching and pursuing his dream of becoming a courtroom sketch artist.

McCallister claims his sketches were “life-like” in most instances

sketch 5

Blog: How to be the Best Blogger on The Internet in Your 20s

By Marybell Davis 25 years old, amazing life lived, awesome blogger of awesome things

My Aunt Agnes once said that they used to write things on paper and call it a diary or journal. She used a pencil. LOL!  When I asked her if I could see her writing she said she lost it because it was on paper and her house had burned down. LOL LOL! That happened all the time in the 90s before Steve Jobs invented iTunes and the iPhone.

But that doesn’t happen anymore now that we have the internet and the Google that was created by a divine being!

When you reach your mid to late-twenties, like me, and you’ve lived like so many amazing moments, you need to share those moments and the epic wisdom you have derived from them. Just sayin. And also quote a bunch of old dead writers because that’s good writing.

Most important: don’t use paper anymore. Be a blogger.

Here are my tips on how to be the best blogger on the internet because you are really world wise in your 20s and there’s lots of stuff you can talk about that people don’t understand is awesome and epic but you understand it and that is why you blog.

1) Everything you do is OMG amazing because we are all fascinating in our own ways and you need to share it. Just sayin’.

When you’re in your twenties the rate that epic and amazing things happen really picks up. Whether it’s something about string cheese, eyebrow waxing or wearing a see through shirt so everyone can see your bra and know you are smart. This is important stuff. Whenever you run out of highly personal stuff to talk about (whatevs, TMI) make sure you talk about your kitty. Everything your baby cat does is interesting because you are so interesting and you must write about it.

2) Everyone you meet, every internship you have, every time you drink a beer it’s interesting. It’s epic. You forgot to take your birth control? That’s interesting. OMG!

See number one above but basically like everything you write is epic. I’m just giving you more examples of things that are totally interesting about you.

3) You may not think a lot of things have happened to you but they have so make sure you chronicle all of your love interests and break ups on the internet. Just sayin’.

It’s so sad they used to use things like diaries because that’s so secret LoL! Now you can write out everything and tweet it and let everyone know how special you are and how silly the guy is who broke your heart after he had sex with you in the back of his Jeep and made you wear a plastic bag over your head. FML!!

4) When you don’t know what to write quote one of those old dead “real writers” even if you’ve never read them.

When you are blogging and run out of things to blog just post quotes (super easy to find online thanks to the Google) that other “writers” came up with that sound interesting. You can credit the writer or not just make sure you put the whole thing in quotes because that makes more real to people.

some real writer...LOL...Virginia Woolf...LOL. She's not hairy!!!!

some real writer…LOL…Virginia Woolf…LOL. She’s not hairy!!!!

I love Jack Keroac (dead, road around in a car, wrote poetry, blah, blah, blah) or Shakespeare (dead, super dead, wrote weird sentences, boring but great because no one understands his sentences) or Kanye West (alive, married to Kim, wealthy, super smart, kicks Paparazzi ass) and what I really love is to add an LOL or emoticon at the end of the quote like this, ” Great things are not accomplished by those who yield to trends and fads and popular opinion.” Jack Keroac– LOL.

5) When you can’t think of something epic to write just look at your room, the top of your dresser or what you are wearing.

Remember when I said that you are awesome? You are! So write about your fashion, your room, your experience decorating your room or ways you make ramen noodles and beer work as four different food groups.

The moral of this story is that everyone is a blogger but you are a better blogger because you’ve had more happen to you in 27 years than people can imagine. Don’t let them imagine! Tell them exactly everything that has happened to you verbatim. That’s legit.

 Tune in next week for more “writing” tips with a focus on how to break up on Facebook. For now my cat, Mr. Green Jeans, just spit up a hair ball LOL FML. As my internet friend Kanye said when I googled him “I don’t know what’s better gettin laid or gettin paid”. TTYL!!!!

Out-of-Towner from Big City Crashes into Building (And Our Hearts)

By Robert McGuiness, Coma News

One Coma resident is dead and two injured after a 1967 Cadillac de Ville crashed into the Coma Community Players Gang-Up Improv and Comedy Sportz Arena in the 600 block of South Pine Blvd.

The sole fatality is 88-year-old Coma native and World War II vet George Karl Sieghard. Best known for his portrayal of the beloved character Uncle Peppers on the children’s show Uncle Peppers’ Secret Cellar, which ran on local television station WKMMA Channel 12 from 1975 to 1983. He was crushed to death by the steering column of the lime-green, late-1960s model Cadillac sedan.

“We were rehearsing Death of a Salesman,” reports 30-year-old single mother and actress Christine Buttram. “I think that would probably be in bad taste now. He wasn’t a salesman, but still.”

The driver, 36-year-old Hollywood, California, screenwriter Sharne Wilhelm Darvis reportedly lost control of the vehicle while attempting to steer with his knees so he could mix Drambuie into his chocolate milkshake.

In a twist of fate that could have come from the pages of a Hollywood blockbuster, Third Circuit Court judge Armin Rieden-Schultz has sentenced Darvis to six weeks community service as the creative director of the Coma Community Players Gang-Up Improv and Comedy Sportz Arena, which has been renamed the George K. Sieghard Memorial Community Theatre and Yoga Studio.

The theatre’s previous creative director, 39-year-old art school graduate Michael Mason McMiller, suffered a broken pelvis when Darvish’ Cadillac careened into the theatre. McMiller’s Yorkshire Terrier Andre also suffered an allergic reaction to the vanilla-scented air freshener in Darvis’ automobile.

“As a big city screenwriter from Hollywood, I certainly reached my lowest point when I crashed the cherry-condition classic car that I restored with my dad into the community theatre,” Darvis told the judge. “I guess you could say that was the inciting incident for my current arc towards redemption.”

At Darvis’ sentencing, Judge Rieden-Schultz stated, “I think you’ll learn a thing or two about the meaning of life and love here in our small town. And you just might have the opportunity to resolve some of those lingering issues about your father.” Rieden-Schultz added, “You killed Uncle Peppers, you son of a bitch.”

The unlikely verdict will find Darvis taking over the rag-tag community theatre just in time for their Winter stage event.

“I don’t expect much out of this rag-tag bunch, but I can direct anything,” Darvis told reporters outside the courthouse. “Anything but a musical.”

The Coma Community Players, under the creative direction of Sharne Darvis wish to invite the residents of Coma to the Coma-premiere of Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber’s timeless musical Cats. Previews 03/22 and 03/23 at 8 PM. Opening night Friday 03/24. Playing Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays at 8 PM at the George K. Sieghard Memorial Theatre and Yoga Studio. 632 S Pine Blvd. Street parking available after 7 PM

Katana Sword Stabbing Ends 2,000 Days without Katana Sword Stabbing

KATANA SWORD SIGNFollowing a ceremony to commemorate 2,000 days without a Katana sword stabbing, Coma resident, Paul Peterson was accidentally stabbed by a Katana sword at Banjo’s Pancake and Oat House yesterday morning.

“It was a real mess,” Coma police chief, Raleigh Fitzsimmons, said.  “The worse part is that we have to change the sign we keep near the highway back to zero days without a Katana sword stabbing incident.”

Peterson was in the pancake line at the popular all-you-can eat restaurant when he accidentally backed into a Katana sword that was propped up against a chair.  The blade entered Peterson just below his ribcage.  The incident occurred just moments after Coma mayor, Dave Anderson, celebrated 2,000 days without a Katana sword stabbing by giving a short speech and cutting a sword-shaped cake.

After finishing his pancakes, Peterson was rushed to the hospital.

“This whole thing is just another reminder of all the bad things that happen in this town,” Peterson said.  “This is a town where people get stabbed by fancy Japan swords when standing in line to eat pancakes and minding their own business. I hate this place.”

Fitzsimmons said they had no leads on who left the sword in such a precarious position.  The police chief added  it was unlikely an investigation would take place.

“People are pretty upset about the whole thing,” Fitzsimmons said.  “I think we should just change the highway sign to read ‘two-thousand days without a criminally-charged Katana sword stabbing’, but that’s probably just splitting hairs at this point.”

Some town members said they remain optimistic that the community can beat it’s record of 2,000 days, but admit it might take a lot of work and extra caution.

Coma Celebrates 2,000 Days Without Katana Sword Stabbing

A Coma police officer displays a deadly Katana Samurai sword before the cake-cutting ceremony

A Coma police officer displays a deadly Katana Samurai sword before the cake-cutting ceremony

Touting it as a day of civic pride, Coma Mayor Dave Anderson helped commemorate Coma’s 2,000th consecutive day without a stabbing involving a handmade Katana Samurai sword.

“Today is a day to celebrate our good fortune,” Anderson said to a group of nearly six people who gathered in front of the town hall to recognize the special occasion.  “Not many communities can boast such a sparkling record of incidents involving hand-forged, finely-crafted Katana Samurai swords.”

The last reported incident involving a Katana Samurai sword occurred on March 26, 2008, when Benji Ford stabbed his friend and neighbor, Ken Portman, during an argument about the effectiveness of swords as combat weapons.

Following his speech, the mayor used a Katana Samurai sword to cut a cake that was in the shape of a Katana Samurai sword and distributed slices of the delicious dessert to those present.

“It’s nice to stop and remember the good things about living here in Coma,” resident Paul Peterson said.  “Sometimes I get down on this town and really hate living here.  But then on a day like today, I think it’s not so bad because it’s been two-thousand days since somebody got stabbed with one of those fancy Japan swords.”

Mayor Anderson said he is looking forward to commemorating the town’s 2001st day without an incident involving a Katana Samurai sword tomorrow morning at an all-you-can-eat pancake feed at Banjo’s Pancake & Oat House.

Punctuated Stop Sign Program Cancelled


stop sign 1

ABOVE: Coma installed punctuated stop signs last spring as way to draw more attention to the signs. Some, like the one pictured above, featured typos that included a question mark, leading to confusion and multiple collisions

Following the installation of new stop signs around town in the past two months, a rash of fender benders and accidents has brought traffic in Coma to a standstill.

“There are two problems,” Coma Mayor Dave Anderson said.  “First, some dumb ass down at the DOT didn’t know the difference between a question mark and an exclamation point, and two, people are morons.”

That was the explanation from Mayor Anderson regarding the failed attempt at creating the nation’s first series of punctuated traffic signs.  Started in April as a way to reduce the number of intersection collisions involving pedestrians, cyclists and vehicles, the program suffered multiple setbacks and complications.

“We were simply looking to heighten the importance of stopping at the stop signs,” city planner Ruth Mayweather said of the program.  “Part of the problem is that when you are using all caps and then add an exclamation point, people feel like you are screaming or yelling at them.  And that’s how many of them reacted.”

stop sign 5

ABOVE: Photos of some of the vehicles involved in the dozens of accidents that occurred following the installation of the punctuated stop signs

The number of rear-end collisions increased dramatically within the first few weeks of the new signs being installed.

“I don’t like being yelled at and when I approached the sign I just totally slammed on my break because the sign was getting all up in my face,” said 17-year old high school senior Courtney Sheffield, who was involved in nine rear-end collisions between June and August.  “People said I was freaking out but I wasn’t the one yelling at everyone to stop.”

stop sign 2

ABOVE: Signs like this caused confusion and panic among many drivers, who felt like they were being yelled at by the sign

To make matters worse, a number of the signs that were installed featured typos in which a question mark was inserted instead of an exclamation point.  This error is believed to be the cause of more than 80 intersection collisions that took place this summer.

“Most motorists viewed the question mark as more of a suggestion to stop,” Anderson said.  “As a result, people considered the question for a moment but overwhelmingly chose to proceed without stopping.  That’s a recipe for disaster.”

According to the Coma Department of Transportation, the mix-up involving the question mark was an honest mistake that could have happened to anyone.

“We kind of screwed the pooch on that one?” asked DOT Supervisor Don Lovall, adding “I felt really bad about that?”

The program was recently canceled and the town is in the process of replacing the signs.